Adventures of Supermom...JennyF's 2nd thread

[JennyF]

peace,
I think our H's have the same script. Love the part about it being 'mutual'. That's what H told friends about selling the house. Like they believed I wanted to sell the house with a 19 day old baby!
The good news is that friends are starting to see thru it. his salesman crap is getting old.
J~

[JennyF]

PM...you make me blush!!
Thanks for your kind words.

I hope things are still going well for you!
J~

[JennyF]

Having a bit of down day for some reason.

I'm not feeling very motivated to do anything...got to reverse this somehow.

I'm starting to really feel the distance between H and I. I have to admit it's scaring me a bit. I haven't felt the need or want to reach out to him in weeks and right now I feel as though I want to. Can it really be that our connection is totally gone for him?? I know he is so deep in the tunnel that he can't see it...but is it possible that it is gone altogether? Why am I suddenly doubting this?

I think he's starting to act somewhat nicer to me there are glimmers of my old H...but he still doesn't want anything to do with me or our marriage. I don't get it.

What I would do to speed up the ending of this R with OW. If not for that I feel as though he would have nothing to lose by giving us another chance. I pray to God every day to help guide him. Our kids deserve better than this. My brand new baby boy deserves to start his life with a family in tact.

This is so frustrating!!!

Gotta go...crying baby.
J~

[Pudmuddle]

Hiya peace and jenny

Yeah, as with everything we do dbwise, confronting someone is a fine line too. My H tells me now why didn't i confront him on things...and I say I did for years, so that's why I finally left you alone to do your own journey because I couldn't control that.

I think you have to feel out your situation to know if and when a confrontation would work. Test and monitor I guess.

[Pudmuddle]

Hey jenny,

I posted right when you posted so I didn't get to see your last post.

Sorry you feel down. I remember feeling this way, that everything was gone and did that mean I wanted it over, etc etc. Then I realized that is part of the detaching process, you are detaching from someone who is hurting you and you no longer know. Not that that isn't painful still, but you really don't want THIS person as is right now do you? No. You want the better him. Let him travel his journey and detach from his travels too. I wish I had a secret ray gun to disintigrate all of the OPs. LOL. Keep praying, that helped me alot too and I am not a strongly religious person. But it kind of helped me to have a daily mantra of how things were going to be better. And how I envisioned them everyday to be better. Helped to maintain the PMA subconsciously.

[lizzy]

Hi Jenny! Sorry I haven't checked up on you lately. I have had a week from H--- at work. I am so proud of you for putting up the lights. I know putting up our Christmas decs made me feel better about myself. It is something I have always done, but it still gave me strength to know I can go on and celebrate the holidays without H.

Reading your post gave me some insights and strength today. Both you and PM are so wise.

[JennyF]

Well, I think I just backslid.

H and I got together to go over the finances and make some decisions regaring Christmas spending money.

This conversation led to one about his recent actions regarding selling the house and moving his bank account.
This led to conversation about our M and how things came to be the way they were.
I tried to validate. But I don't think I did very well.

I know that validating doesn't equal agreeing, but it was very hard given these circumstances to try to explain my point of view.
I tried really hard to explain that I understand that I played a part in the breakdown of our marriage. That I wish I could go back and change those things and I'm working on myself now. But the truth is, it doesn't make a difference. He told me again in no uncertain terms that it is over between us. His choice is made and is does want to live with the OW.
He confirmed to me that he "CHOSE" to stop loving me. He also said that in 3 months most people would be further along as far as letting go than I am. I said...did those people have a baby in there?
He just doesn't see how is perception of EVERYTHING is so skewed right now. It is hard to validate him when he is being quite unreasonable about how he thinks I should be feeling or where he thinks I should be at.

I am so confused right now. I don't what I'm doing anymore. I have tried to be so strong and to be so positive and focused. I wasn't expecting hope from him today...but the finality with which he speaks about things is so determined and is with such certainty.
Do I still believe he is in some kind of life crisis? Yes. But now I'm having doubts as to whether he is going to come out of it. And if he does, I don't know if that will change how he feels about me. By the sounds of things today...not a chance.
I don't know what else to say. I know I have to let this go and focus on me regardless. I am doing my best, but it doesn't seem good enough right now.

Damn him.
J~

[phbear316]

Jenny

I don't have much advice for you just that I;m thinking about you and sending you (((HUGS))

Sorry your h is being such an &*@hole. I get from mine this afternoon, i'm going out to do some christmas shopping. Now I know its absolutely not for me. But I went out and got him two gift cards. He can take them or not. I will use them if he does not want them.

Jenny all I can say is keep your chin up, you are such an inspiration to people like me. My mom has been telling me lately that my h does not know what he has, h will realize it way too late. I know what she is saying, but like you I want my H back, but not this one, the old one, who has an open mind to make changes that need to be made.

love
phbear

[JennyF]

Thanks Bear.

OK warning...long rant about to occur...

So what am I to believe? I can't let go of this feeling within me that H is just screwed up and that we will eventually be back together. Is this just because I don't want to accept the fact that he really has stopped loving me? Is it because I don't want to face the fact that he has in fact fallen in love with someone else? Their 'relationship', albeit based on lies has been going on for over a year now. Could it be that it is real and not the fantasy that the books say it is? Am I the one who is dillusional here?
H is constantly reinforcing that it is over. Today I made a comment about what he is choosing to do and he corrected me and said "what I CHOSE to do". He said, it is done...I'm not doing it, I've done it. It is over.

I wasn't doing a very good job of validating. I tried hard at one point to explain how I feel very guilty about what got him to the point of not caring anymore. That I understand now what he was feeling. But it just doesn't make a difference any more when he is sitting there jamming it down my throat that it is over.

He seemed a little peeved about what people have been saying to him only to point out that it was because of what I've been telling them. I said, I've talked to my best friend only about the facts. Nothing but the truth. He seemed to understand when talking to her or other people that what he has done is wrong...but sitting in front of me he can't.

Anyone who has any MLC or life crisis background....is this normal? I read that it is. But after today it makes believing in possibility so much harder.

I know all the right things to say...
- let go of the rope
- focus on me and my kids
- the R w OW will most likely end
- he may or may not come back and I have to make myself ok in either event
- I have to stop thinking about this and focusing on him and what went wrong.

The fact is, after 9 yrs together, 4 yrs of marriage...he left me with a 2 yr old and 8 months pregnant for another woman with NO chance of trying to save our marriage. I never had a fighting chance. Then when our son is 19 days old asks me to look at our options for selling the house. Is there ANYTHING in there that is understandable? He actually said that most people would have been able to move on by now in (3 months). When I said I didn't want to sell the house until I go back from mat leave (in 1 year) he said he didn't understand why I didn't want to move on myself. Like I should be over this by now. With a baby!
Is it possible to do this to someone you even used to love? Can a human being go from being a caring, loving and compassionate person to having the ability to do these things and be changed for the worse forever??

He is being completely unreasonable, yet he sits here in front of me and acts completely oblivious. He treats it all like a business transaction...no emotion at all. I do not understand how ALL emotion toward me at all is gone. Nothing. How do you spend that long with someone and it's this gone? He says it's been gone for a long long time.

Everything I'm describing seems to come from the MLC script. Can I really have faith that he will come out of this? Even if we never end up back together I want him to come out of this for his kids. I don't want their father to be this cold person who shows no emotion whatsover when it comes to their mom.

Now what is weird about today is that I didn't learn anything new. I knew he was VERY clear that it is over. I knew he wants to live with OW. I knew he stopped loving me a long time ago. But why do I feel so torn again? I think it's because he can't see how unreasonable it is and that he has no consideration for the impact on me. Of losing my marriage with a newborn.

Is he in the darkest part of his tunnel right now? He doesn't seem very dark...he is actually being quite clear. But the emotion is what is lacking.

Any MLC insight here would be great. Has anyone else's H been this clear that it is over and he really loves OW? Anyone who has heard this and then seen a change in their spouse?

I feel the urge now (as I always do after we talk) to send him an e-mail.
I'll probably write it tonight and then wait 48 hours to send it.

I'm just looking for a little shadow of hope. Something to put his actions and demeaner into perspective. To make it make sense. Is that possible.
I hate that I know all the right things to say and do, but I still have days like this when I just can't help but rant about it!
I KNOW I KNOW...FOCUS ON MYSELF!
sigh....thanks for listening.
J~

Any MLC insight here would be great. Has anyone else's H been this clear that it is over and he really loves OW? Anyone who has heard this and then seen a change in their spouse?

My W has been very creative with her words when talking about OM, but I know their 'relationship' has gone from bad to worse over the last few months. Hell, my W has been living on her own for 7 weeks now, and I can account for probably 95% of her time when she isn't with me or at work, and it's not being spent with him.

You need to remember that the affair is based upon needs that don't last long term - Who does he go to when he has a real problem, when something bad happens at work or he needs someone to help him through a difficulty? Maybe the affair is seen as a positive change for him right now, but how many relationships actually survive the stress of day to day, much the added strain that comes with everything that is going on in this situation.

Anyway, do you think OW is the sort of person to stick around when things get really messy? She's obviously not all that together herself if she is resorting to pursuing a relationship with a married guy.

I know how tough it is right now - It seems like he doesn't care about you anymore and that OW is the 'world' in his eyes. It'll crash and burn eventually. Whether you will stick around long enough to see that happen is really up to you.