WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

[jab]

W just called me again! That's 3 times in past 24 hours & she said I could call again later tonite to 'say goodnite to kids'. I left work and was back in apt for 10 min and phone rang.

This time it was something about trying to rebook a flight for her & kids 4 xmas and her internet wasn't working right so she couldn't get on websites. But then when I was on phone w/her internet started working again.

I was trying to help her but I just got off work and was trying to fix a snack/unpacking. I guess I'll call her later. I was tempted to tell her to just come over to my apt.

I do see the point in letting her pursue me, seems smart but now I got to figure out how to do it without seeming too distant/uninterested/cold/angry/whatever. Just when I thought I was finally understanding how to deal with my situation, my situation starts changing (although, I'd rather have it this way than the way it was up until today).

I'm really perplexed. This is getting weird (in a good way). I better keep praying.

[jab]

W called again this morning. Everytime she calls I act cheery and ASIF. I cut it short this morning, said I had to get ready for work. Invited her over to eat tonight when she drops off the kids. W accepted. Trying to let her 'chase me' now.

[COG]

Jab,

Congrats!

Ditto what FrankD said. Don't bring up the R. Try to just live in the moments. If she brings it up, then do your best to go into validation mode, support her, etc. but avoid anything controlling.

Now that things are beginning to heal and you've got momentum, this is an important time to remain humble regarding your past failings. You can't go there again just because things are getting better. These changes you've made, and you talk about need to be permanent. You will likely fall back a little, but don't ever give up on YOU!

You are so very blessed to have her actually missing you and wanting to call you. There are many people here that would give anything for that. All I can say in terms of her pursuing is to go with the flow.

Keep praying, growing YOUR faith, and moving on with YOUR life.

God Bless,

COG

[jab]

W came over w/kids and stayed for dinner. It was great, I would have never expected this situation only a few weeks ago. Got a hug/kiss before dinner, mood was very light and cheery. W mentioned the 'possibility' of me coming home after 60 days & working on our R/M (if I stay the course). Conversation with W sounded very much like she wants to work on R/M (I can tell W is still a little reluctant/untrusting, though). W stated she was working on a list of 'conditions' for my return. She seemed pretty enthusiastic about telling me about some of the items. There was nothing she listed that I thought was unfair or unjust (some of the items W spoke of were things I wanted as well).

I tried not to act too 'clingy' or 'needy'. I was just very cheerful (for obvious reasons). I gave her a kiss/hug goodbye when she left and boy did they feel good (W looked good too). W will be picking kids up in AM to take them to school. I didn't want her to go but I didn't say it (I think W actually wanted to call off work and stay, too).

I have to be very careful not to act too much like everything is 'ok'. It does seem that the healing has begun but I don't want our R/M to stop moving in a positive direction. I still need to keep working on ME, I have to finish the tasks that I committed to complete before I am ready to return. I need to ensure I have the necessary tools/skills to prevent my past mistakes or it would be a waste of my time (and W's).

I truly feel like some sort of miracle is unfolding before my eyes. I still do not understand the sudden change in W's actions. I was hoping for change but it happened so suddenly and so quickly that I'm still having a hard time accepting it. I'm still worried that my situation could reverse itself just as quick and I'll be right back where I was with W a few weeks ago.

I think COG (and others on this fourm) were called by a higher power to guide/lead me back to the light. DB is not the only place where this is happening. Like I said in earlier posts, some strange things have happened/are happening to me lately. I can only explain them as 'signs', that I was/am trying to be told something. Well, I'm listening! I will update tomorrow. (I have a smile on my face and warmth in my soul tonite)

[jab]

One more thing....a BIG (((((AmyC))))

Amy called an 'alert' to other veterans on DB to come to my aid and give me some very much needed 2X4's and put my head in the 'right place'. Amy, I am praying for you too, and deeply appreciate the help you have given me.

Don't get me wrong, I know my R/M isn't 'fixed' yet (still a long way to go). I'm just appreciating what is happening right now.

[AmyC]

jab - posts like the one you left on my thread a little while ago mean a lot to me, especially right now. Thank you. As for how I found you - I don't know, I just strolled over to Newcomers late one night and clicked on your thread. Yours was the only thread I read that night and to this day is still the only one I read over here. Divine intervention? Maybe. You've started out of the gate fairly well but let's see how you handle the turns before we say this little intervention was God-ordained, shall we? I'm just joking but I WILL be the first one to tell you that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I'd be lying if I said anything to the contrary.

Do you know why your wife is responding to you as she is?
It is because you are being the man she has always wanted and needed you to be. You have made some tough decisions and she respects that. She is looking to you to guide her. That my friend IS definitely a God-ordained role. You are supposed to be the leader - and also the spiritual head (but you can get there in time)- of your family. She is a strong & capable woman yes, but she is responding to your leadership. And she misses you. Don't you dare piss that away by becoming arrogant, bossy, needy or clingy. Be a man. Be HER man. You can do this. You have SEVERAL good men talking to you daily. Be real with them. They will help you. They've been where you are, or at least in a similar place. Listen to them. Always listen more than you speak and while you are finding your inner, dominant male be careful of the temptation to become domineering. It is a snare and you will meet it and have to step over it. There are many snares that no one can warn you about. Be vigilant. Stay focused. Stay the course. Check yourself always. Then recheck yourself. Pray before you speak that you are able to convey properly what is in your heart. Pray for wisdom and guidance and know that He uses people like COG, Frank, Jeff and Jack (among others) to dispense it.

Just work the steps, jab.

One day at a time.



AmyC

[missmyfriend]

You have a gift Amy. I see God working in you.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Wow!
I go out of town for a few days, and lose track, ad look what happens! All is going according to our devious plan. Listen to AmyC. Stay focused. I really think the situation now gives you such an excellent opportunity to do what you need to do. But, as you said, I think there are no second chances. And there will almost certainly be steps backwards. Don't let them snare you!

As far as the 'affair'. My guess is you have it pegged. I think she was fishing for something, she didn't even know what. And I don't think there was much more to it than phone calls. In fact, I'm not sure it wasn't already done when you pulled you little trick on her. I'd only say, be very careful of tricks, they have away of coming back to get you! But I think you can probably put that behind you, I don't think she is acting like someone having an affair.

She wants you to succeed. You can do it. Don't get cocky. Don't think you have it made. Even when you go home in 60 days, it isn't done. I think you are going to be on double secret probation for a while!

Good luck!
Jeff

By the way, Amy is an angel, just so you know!

[COG]

Jab,

Congratulations again! You are one very lucky man to have a W like you have. She's the best thing that ever happened to you.

Your biggest challenge as I see it is not to figure out how to deal with you W, but to be on constant vigil. Rest assured you will be tempted and tested. Right now you are doing the right things, the things that are so very important to your W. Staying sober, being repsonsible, being friendly and supportive. Being a MAN!

But how long will this behaivior last. How long until you become comfortable, laxed. Be always ready, always strong, always faithful. The more progress you make, the more the evil side will step up the game. Right now they seem to be lurking, but they are only waiting for that opportunity when you are weak. Be ever vigilant by brother, you will be tested.

The alchohol will destroy any progress you've made.

Put on the shield of Christ my friend, and be always ready for battle.

God Bless,

COG

[jab]

Today was another good day, not as good as the previous two, but still a good day. W came over again w/kids for dinner. This time I tried to 'lay off' a little bit. I know W had a long night last night and didn't get much sleep so she wasn't as 'cheery'. I didn't want to act too 'needy'. No R talk today.

Conversation included W talking about some guy at work that she rode with to go pickup some dinner for co-workers last night in his 'very nice hummer'. W talked about how nice the vehicle was & how much money he made (you can really tell that my 'insecure' feelings were creeping in tonight). I just tried to brush off those feelings, it was hard.

Conversation with W also included talking about her plans next week to go out w/friends (this was planned awhile ago) for a nite out. W saying it was going to be a late night and same guy she rode in hummer with last night was getting a hotel room for co-workers as a late evening meeting place to talk, have a few drinks. W then saying how she probably will leave there and stay at one of her girlfriend's house instead of going home (due to the drive/distance) & then come over to my apt in AM to get kids. You all know what I was thinking! Well, I just offered to W (cheerfully) if she wanted to come here to sleep instead, she was welcome. W immediately said, 'oh, maybe I will. U can just give me a key and maybe I can crash at your place instead.' She didn't say absolutely yes or no but a solid maybe and W seemed interested in the option. When W was leaving, she also leaned over to allow me to kiss and hug her, I didn't have to 'reach' for it. W initiated physical contact, but it was brief, not like last night.

W is gone now and this is the first weekend since I moved into new apt. I have kids until Mon morning so W is free all weekend without kids. I know it's going to be hard for me. This was such a good week I just wanted to tell her to come over here again this weekend sometime because we have so much 'making up' to do (but I didn't). I keep thinking of the goal, W wants some space, some time alone, I have to keep my word and give that to her. I have to do my part in this. I wish I could go to her xmas parties, go home and sleep with her, do so many things now that she acts like she may want to work on R/M, hasn't acted tense around me for a few days now, but I still have to wait and keep my cool, let her pursue me a little more.

At least I have the whole weekend w/kids & I can get alot of personal things done. I haven't called her since the move out but she has called me several times and has come over 4 dinner twice (both in a good mood). Maybe more time to herself will bring her even closer. It's getting easier knowing W still has feelings for me, but it's still hard doing this.