Kudos to you for nutting up and confronting her; I think you did well. You should have -- and still need to -- say to her "I will agree to counseling as soon as you end all contact with him." As long as her brain chemicals are firing off with every contact with him, counseling will do nothing for you.
There is a good book I can recommend: "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Have your wife read it. She is having an emotional affair, which in some ways is worse than a physical affair. A woman should understand that.
You've taken the toughest, first step tho, and congrats and atta-boy. Keep pushing thru this, and DO NOT WAVER.
If you do go to C make sure it is the type of C that you feel comfortable with and someone that is pro M.
Do you think she suggested C as she thought you would be resistant and would refuse? Have you asked her how she would feel if you did all these things with another woman - would she feel it was so innocent then?
Try googling Marriage Boot Camp and have a look at their site - it might prove interesting.
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Tell her that she can have female friend, but that it really is not possible for men and women to be in deep friendships outside of marriage. The way to tell if the relationship is inappropriate is if they can not have their converstaions entirely in front of the other spouses and have EVERYONE be comfortable with it. In other words, male/female relationships outside of marriage need to be kept very shallow, like talking about the weather.
Tell her that she can have female friend, but that it really is not possible for men and women to be in deep friendships outside of marriage. The way to tell if the relationship is inappropriate is if they can not have their converstaions entirely in front of the other spouses and have EVERYONE be comfortable with it. In other words, male/female relationships outside of marriage need to be kept very shallow, like talking about the weather.
The way to tell if the relationship is inappropriate is if they can not have their converstaions entirely in front of the other spouses and have EVERYONE be comfortable with it.
This makes sense in male/female friendship situations but is not the same as.....
Quote:
In other words, male/female relationships outside of marriage need to be kept very shallow, like talking about the weather.
My H and I have a lot of friends who are other couples. Whilst I agree with the comment regarding subject matter being something that could be discussed openly in front of other spouses I think the final statement goes just too far. I would like to think I care more than that about some of my friends' husbands - that doesn't mean I want to have an A with them. I certainly want to have deeper and more intellectual conversations with them than the weather!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BTW one can have very suggestive conversations about the weather - it's more about how one say's it than what.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Tell her that she can have female friend, but that it really is not possible for men and women to be in deep friendships outside of marriage. The way to tell if the relationship is inappropriate is if they can not have their converstaions entirely in front of the other spouses and have EVERYONE be comfortable with it. In other words, male/female relationships outside of marriage need to be kept very shallow, like talking about the weather.
I haven't posted here before, but I just can't leave this one alone.
If this is true for you, you need to do some looking at yourself. The only level I'd agree on is that any friendship you have should be able to be out in the open. Not every conversation, but the existence, and the amount of contact.
My best friend, really, for the past 25 years was a female friend from high school. Never a 'girlfriend'. We don't see eash other, or talk often at all, but I still know if I had to, she'd be the one I'd talk to.
I agree with the others re: counseling, that you need to tell her that ALL contact with OM must end prior to counseling. Sure, she can have friends. How is that issue relevant to this? If her idea of friendship is talking about masturbating, sending nude photos, and telling someone that you love them, then NO, she can't have friends and still be married to you.
I think sitting down with her and going through each email might be a good way of showing her the difference between friendship and an EA. It might help you, too, because I think you could use a little more p!ss and vinegar than you are showing her right now.
