Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks, I'm thinking it will be a great year as well!

W was checking on school closings this morning and I imagine she saw the date on the website and said "By the way, happy birthday." I said "Thank you". It's good, anyway, that she recognized the date.

Before leaving to drop the kids off at school she asked if I wanted to go to her friend's house (used to be my friend too...) but I told her that I had people coming over for my birthday. She said "Oh, okay. What do you want for your birthday anyway?"

I said "Hmm, a card would be nice."

I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about this right now. I don't feel upset or disappointed. In all honesty I don't think I'm feeling much of anything besides validation that she's just not "here". My kids, family, friends, in-laws and even co-workers are happy for me and have wished me well for my birthday over the past couple of days (as have my DB'ing buddies). Her apparent indifference towards such things is something I have come to expect. I think this is a sign of at least partial detachment. The amount of time she 'wastes' on-line still gets under my skin - I don't feel insulted, it's more disappointment that this is who she has become. I can't wait to get past these feelings and become further detached. I keep thinking that detachment should be a choice but regardless of how much I decide not to let it bother me, it still does. Any suggestions?

In a way it's sad I guess. For 20 years she's been the highlight of my days and now she's a housemate with whom I have very little in common.

Anyway, enough of that!! The corned beef is cooking, the house smells like onions and I'm sneaking out of work early. Should be a great night!

[SingleAgain]

Happy Birthday!

[saffie]

Happy birthday!!!!!!!

Is Chantrix that new drug to help you stop smoking? If it is I just wanted to warn you that I remember reading a post on here somewhere saying that you should only stay on it for a very limited time and that you have to watch the interaction of it with either alcohol or AD's, (can't remember which - sorry).

Great goals btw.

Also don't get too hung up on W's reaction to your B'day. My H forgot mine TWICE in 20 years of M pre bomb!!!!!!!!!!

Have a great day - you sound good.

Saffie

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks SA!

Thanks Saffie, I feel pretty good too!

Yes, Chantix is the new "magic bullet" for quitting smoking. I'll have to look into the drug interactions. The AD's aren't a concern for me, I have my kids to keep me from getting depressed! Although I do wonder at times if AD's would/could do anything for me. Most times I simply don't feel the need for anything like that.

The alcohol however...

still blaming those Irish genes.

Youch! Twice in 20 years! I guess when it happens post-bomb it's not such a big deal. Just gonna let it slide.

[nutfarmer]

Happy Birthday MMC. Enjoy the corned beef...your heart might not thank you for it, but your outlook will.

[Michael Mc C]

your heart might not thank you for it...

So true...

Well, I've really been trying to dig into this detachment. I found the following on the web (hope there's no copyright). Maybe it could help others - it's helped me put some clarity around detachment and also has served as a checklist of sorts.

In order to become detached from a person you need to:

• Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
• Take back power over your feelings from people to whom in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
• "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
• Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue, or heal other people.
• Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
• Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.
• Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
• Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the person you can blame for your unhealthiness.
• Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to the person.
• Accept that many people in your past and current life are "irrational", "unhealthy", and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
• Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
• Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix, or make better the people in life over which you have no control or power to change.

Regarding my wife's on-line 'addiction', the red statement above is right where she's at.

The item in blue is one that I find to be a key point for me. In order for my wife to see what she's missing by losing me, I need to be "healthier" myself, i.e., I need to continue getting a life!

I still struggle with my feelings of sadness for HER due to her constant need to be online in one way or another. It could be that this isn't really a detachment issue if I truly own my feelings:

"Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel."

I don't blame her for my 'sadness'. Maybe it's just love getting in the way.

[Yoyowife]

Happy B-Day Michael and many more!

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks Yo!

[Startingover2]

I love that Michael.

My H is an alcoholic and the red is him for sure right now.
The blue is also something I am striving for.

[Michael Mc C]

Good morning all. Had some backsliding this weekend, further proof that I'm not quite where I need to be.

Had a good time with family for my birthday but W became distant and anti-social. I guess I was trying to "help" by suggesting that she come back to join us (she was straightening up, checking emails, etc.) She didn't appreciate it and made some comments about how things needed to be done BY SOMEONE. Anyway, we ended up having some words privately and, as could be expected, we both ended up in crappy moods.

I am still working on simply letting her do what she's going to do. I need to remember that her actions are not necessarily a reflection on me and if she continues to alienate family and friends, it is her doing.

By the end of the weekend we were on much better terms (we had a short but meaningful discussion on Sunday morning after we both had time to recover our composure.)

Just have to keep moving forward and learn from my mistakes.