Well, folks, it has been a really jerky ride, and I am back for more advice (please).
H has been around a lot, talks about the future in a conditional sense ("if I come back...")
We have been getting along fairly peacefully, mostly because I don't react to things, and I do appreciate that he does things around home, doesn't seem so angry, seems to appreciate me more, etc.
So here is my big problem--he still says he wants to "date" other women, and has started to do so. He told me that he took one woman out to a movie, but it didn't go further. (OK, I shouldn't have asked...) There is some other woman he met in a bar, who showed some interest in him, gave him her phone number, and that he is in lust with. He seems to have the idea that he can pursue other women, and still keep me at home in reserve.
I am letting myself get so jerked around! (I am jerking myself around!) I had gotten the impression that maybe he had decided not to do this because he wants to spend a lot of time with me (maybe 3 nights a week), but this morning it came up again.
He asked me (again) if I wanted to go as a family on a 4 day trip to visit some of his relatives for Christmas. I had told him before that I didn't feel like that would be a good idea, when we are separated and he is "dating". So, when he asked me about it again, I went ahead and pointed to the elephant in the room, and asked him if that meant he had changed his mind about "dating." (No.)
I am afraid that in a sick way I am encouraging this behavior by being so available to him when he wants to spend time together.
Is it time to pull way back? There is something powerful about the fact that he at least talks to me now, and seems to be attracted to me again (thanks, DBing!)
Our kids will be home for Christmas. Our S17 comes home today. Our D20 will be home next week. In all, I will have one or the other kid home for the next month. I am so looking forward to having them around--we have always had a good relationship. I am so afraid of rocking the boat and affecting their peace of mind.
I feel sort of like a doormat--the at home, reliable fallback plan. But I am afraid to do something too radical...
(By the way, I have come a long way. My H keeps saying how I have changed and how attractive that is. Or, as he put it this morning, my "stock has been going up." In addition to losing weight, I have dropped the anger, and have found ways to feel happy again.)
I get discouraged about how crazy this all seems, how stuck in limbo I am, etc.
I have another big question that has to do with what I am willing to live with. He seems so incapable of relaxed intimacy, now and in the past. The classic MO is passive aggression. I want to feel loved, and appreciated, and to be treated tenderly. Is there real hope that I can handle myself in a way that keeps that possibility open? He did tell me he loves me. There are baby steps. But, at this point, is it perhaps more appropriate to withdraw to preserve my dignity, and perhaps have him feel a little of what he could lose?
Sorry, folks, I am at that pacing the floor point, and I so want to be on an even keel for the holiday.
Did I mention that he has scheduled minor knee surgery for the Dec. 21, I guess on the theory that I will take him to surgery, and take care of him afterwards? This is all making me so crazy, because I know how I feel, but I don't know how to act.
Help! Advice appreciated!
M 52 H 52 M 29 years D20 S17 (both away at school) "trial separation" Sept. 07
