Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[fb2]

Thank you Ann. I'm guessing a PA would be a lot more damaging. But for now anyway I'm in very dark limbo - the wall seems too high even for Dbing to be practical. Most of the communication is indirectly thru' the kids (very bad in my opinion) and infrequent e-mail.

[Dom R]

I don't know about your sit, but based on the brief description here, i'd say its probably a combination of those. Prior to my EA and during, i didn't want to talk to H. I would avoid it, change the subject, get mad easily, cry, get really quiet. She is upset because she is unhappy and it has to be someones fault. It has taken me up til about now to realize that i can't count on my H to make me happy. I can be happy with him only once i'm happy with myself. During the EA, i was miserable inside.

Great Wisdom, earned through Great Difficulty.
Thank you for sharing it.

I hope your H finds the wisdom that he needs, to be with you fully again.

[ann25]

It's gonna work - thanks for the specifics in the DR book. Looks like i need to to some research. I need to read and reread some times to make stuff sink in. i appreciate it.

fb2. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to go through this, but hang in there. this time of being cut off from her will give you an awesome chance to work on you. An A is a symptom of the problems in the R. It is not the problem itself. Think about what you can change in you to make you a better stronger individual. It's hard with kids. How old are yours? DB as best you can. If you are communicating via email. Keep things short and sweet and nothing about R. Be patient. Focus on your kids and yourself. You can do this.

Dom - i get nervous when you post. hehe. I sincerely appreciate your advice and opinion, sometimes i just don't want to hear it. I know that you will have advice to make me work. It's good for me and I know it, just don't like to admit it... thanks for the kind words above. I have learned alot about myself and what i want out of my M through this process. I hope my H can get that type of clarity soon.

[fb2]

fb2. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to go through this, but hang in there. this time of being cut off from her will give you an awesome chance to work on you. An A is a symptom of the problems in the R. It is not the problem itself. Think about what you can change in you to make you a better stronger individual. It's hard with kids. How old are yours? DB as best you can. If you are communicating via email. Keep things short and sweet and nothing about R. Be patient. Focus on your kids and yourself. You can do this.

You are absoultely right and I will do whatever I can. I have D11 and S7. I have them every other week for the entire week Fri-Fri. Its extremely tough at times to say the least. My son needs attention all the time and there's my work and the kids' extracurricular activities. When I don't have the kids I've got to deal with everything else that has piled up the previous week.

With the kids I have to be very careful as they are the primary medium of communication with W. If I scold them I'm in trouble, if I indulge them I'm in trouble. For example, today when I went to pack their lunch, I caught my daughter with something she had secretly put in her backpack from the house - she said W asked her to do this. I gave D11 a mini lecture on honesty, took the stuff out of her backpack and said if Mom wants something she has to ask me for it directly. Not sure this is the right approach but have to play by ear sometimes!? W has been trying to alienate me from D11.

[ann25]

Ups and downs last night. i'm doing some venting journaling here... kinda long.

My truck needs the brakes replaced. they just started giving me a little squeak yesterday. We had been planning on visiting w/ my family last night and H calls me on the way to my office to tell me that he doesn't want to drive back and forth all over because of the brakes. I know how my truck works. I can easily take it in on Monday and get them done. He knows this. It kinda comes across to me like he doesn't want to see my fam. I tried not to get upset, but this happens alot. If it's seeing family, something always happens last minute to get out of it. I explained to him how important it was to me and that i haven't seen my grandparents in over a year and i haven't seen my cousin in 6 or 7 years. after some debate, he said "fine" and love you, goodbye. I said it back, but apparently he didn't hear me and thought i hung up. He said "whatever" and hung up. unnecessary drama. He was pissed off when he picked me up. It took me like 20 minutes of explaining that i did say it and that i was still there even when he said whatever and hung up, for him to relax a little.

later, we are driving and He tells me how he cleaned some stuff today at home. nothing got finished, but he started lots of things, so at least it won't take as long later.
M:"i appreciated it. i know that he was busy and it means alot that he would take the time out of his day to help me with the housework."
H:"i didn't touch the closet cause it's a mess in there."
M:"i know. with all the presents and paperwork(that is where we've been keeping it), i really need to go through it. I'll do it this weekend"
H:(super negative tone)"i don't know what's wrong with you. you just can't keep things clean. if it were just me there, that house would be spotless. you are just so messy. i just don't get you"

This is a very mild version of things before, but i realized that this is my big problem with him. He can't just leave it alone. when he said it was a mess i said i'd clean it. that was enough. he asked what was wrong (cause i'm pregnant and hormonal and i started crying, ugh...) i told him he didn't need to insult me and say things he knew would upset me. ... I wanted to tell him that yes, if he were single it probably would be clean, he'd eat take out everynight and just buy new clothes when his got dirty. that we have children and that if he helped with them or the house more often, i'd have more time to take care of the extra chores around the house... but i didn't. I explained that it hurts me when he says things the way he did. He said "sorry. guess i could have just shut up" I told him that i wanted to know if he was unhappy with something, but he didn't need to insult me in the process" he said. ok, i'm sorry. not sure if he meant it or not, but it was enough to drop the conv. thank heavens.

after that the night went pretty smoothly, no traffic which was a very plesant surprise, had a good time with the family. H took lots of pics and seemed to actually talk to people which is a big improvement.

my mom made a comment about me getting his plate ready for dinner. I've always done this. I just think its a nice thing i can do for him as his W. I just told her that he's watching the girls (he kinda was) and i didn't mind it.

thats it. any advice on how i could have better handled either of the conversations earlier would be great.

[ann25]

fb2 - hang in there. kids are a handful. mine are just babies, but i know it's only going to get harder.

That's hard with your D. at this point, that's your Ws only weapon (geez that sounds terrible) so she's going to use them. She put D in the middle. I think you did a great job with it. Ds still in the middle, but it was important that you set a better example than mom is right now. Honestly is crucial. I'll check out your thread and post there.

[Dom R]

thats it. any advice on how i could have better handled either of the conversations earlier would be great.

Personally, i think you handled the conversation quite nicely.
What may give you better milage, could be how you handle the whole "clean house" thing in its entirety.

Some people want a clean house. as in.. REAAAALLY want it. And if they dont have it... it majorly sets them off, and basically puts them in a sour mood all day. Your H may be one of those people.

if you dont have the time, or free hands, to do that sort of thing (and it sounds like you dont).. you might consider hiring a maid service to come in once a week and clean up for you.

It costs about $40-60 a time, if you're having it regularly.

So, if your H gets too pissy about doing it... and you're too swamped to fully do it... this could be a good practical solution for you. Your challenge would then shift, from "getting the house clean", to more of managing the children, etc. to keep it clean for as long as possible.

obviously, it's not going to stay clean all the time. welcome to real life but if a clean house is one of those things that your H really desires in life... as long as he's willing to let go of the attitude of, "and my wife MUST do it ALL!", this might ease tensions between you.

[ann25]

Thanks Dom. I was actually looking into that a couple days ago. my H is crazy with trusting people with his stuff (childhood issues) so i just have to find someone that he's willing to give a shot. I was talking to my aunt last night and she recommended hiring a live in nanny. Some that could watch the girls during the day and as compensation i'd pay her the $1200 that we pay for daycare now and a free room. my aunt said that there are nanny services, i might look into that. I guess they pick up the house too! God bless them. i need help, if H won't do it then I'll have to pay someone.

He's definately is one of those "the house must be spotless or i'm going to be miserable" types. That's why its so hard for me to understand why he won't help. I want the house clean too, but a little clutter doesn't bother me. That was one of the big things we talked about with the MC (since he didn't want to talk about his issues) is that, we are different in that way and we have to learn to accept that about one another. I just don't see a mess when i walk in and there are a couple things on the counter, to him, it's a mess.

It was super hard to bite my tongue when he said if it were just him, but i know that was important. I didn't want to insult or upset him, i just wanted him to know that he didn't need to insult me.

[Dom R]

Thanks Dom. I was actually looking into that a couple days ago. my H is crazy with trusting people with his stuff (childhood issues) so i just have to find someone that he's willing to give a shot. I was talking to my aunt last night and she recommended hiring a live in nanny. Some that could watch the girls during the day and as compensation i'd pay her the $1200 that we pay for daycare now and a free room.

I think that's right about the going rate. fantastic.. so money wont be an issue for you.

You just have to be SUPER careful about who you pick. that's the tricky bit. sigh.

The "free room" bit, i think is usually for an "au pair" situation. There may be others, that dont actually need or want the "free room", but just want a daytime situation. You probably have a few different options open, for that kind of money.

He's definately is one of those "the house must be spotless or i'm going to be miserable" types. That's why its so hard for me to understand why he won't help.

heh... everyone has their quirks. Sometimes, it isnt as important
to understand WHy they are the way they are, as it is to just find a way to happily get along with their quirks

I just don't see a mess when i walk in and there are a couple things on the counter, to him, it's a mess.

heh... i know what that's like. i just "dont see it" sometimes, either.

[ann25]

yeah... the cost of day care is insane here. It's getting to the point where we really had to question if it was even worth me working. It is, but i can't believe how much it costs. Now there is going to be another baby coming... i think i need to start buying lotto tickets.

Sometimes, it isnt as important
to understand WHy they are the way they are, as it is to just find a way to happily get along with their quirks

yep... good point. i know why he wants it clean, since i'll never understand why he just won't clean it, i'll hire someone to help me...

thanks dom