H said our M is "platonic"

[Dom R]

I sometimes feel you're trying to hammer all these girl posters into how you wish your wife would have reacted.

?

Show me where, in the post she reacted explosively to, I told LFL what to do?
I asked her if the things I mentioned, were how she felt.
And I pointed her to a book, that "might help her, if she chose".
I dont see anything in there that "told her what to do"

Also... i give different people, quite different advice. I actually suggest to some women, that they do things that "I should do" for my wife, rather than trying to get them to "act how I wish my wife would".

Seems like you've seen a somewhat limited view of my posting.
I treat different people, differently. Some people, I think, could benefit from "nudges", so I give them where I think it would be helpful to them.
Others, I dont.

You can't get your point across if all you do is make people defensive.

That's certainly true, and something that i definately need improvement on, though

Obviously, piglet's style meshes better with LFL, so i'm mostly trying to stay out of things, except when people address something related to what I wrote here.

I hope she'll write more... rather than a "threadjack", seems like what she just wrote, is very much "on topic" for this thread

[SweetRedd]

Dom R,

You're interesting. I've read some of your posts and guess I've missed you hammering at the girl posters. I did post a genuine threadjack. I dont try to keep up with most on this board because things can get pretty twisted in the interpretation. I don't enjoy debate and it gets tiring to post the disclaimers and what I was REALLY trying to say was...... people here seem to be good, interesting folks, but if I having a R with half of them is as tiring as communicating on this BB.. well, I'd be more interested in sleeping than ML most nights too And that was said with not one person particularly in mind. lol. I'm just too lazy to think as much as it takes to keep my head above water in their debates.

[SweetRedd]

Baltoman,

I understand what you're saying about going through the motion sex. I had a knee jerk reaction to my C saying that and was disappointed at first thinking that my H could do that. I'm pretty sure that my C doesn't think this will be an issue, and after thinking about it, neither do I. The C asked H and I if we love each other and desire each other. We both said yes, but I said I was losing feelings for him, and H said we'd grown apart. Assuming we're both truthful, our sex should not be just going through the motions. It might be at first, but as the "doing" generates feelings, we'll be more comfortable expressing our passion. We're fortunate in that when we do have sex, it's good and not just going through the motions. The prob with us is frequency. He questioned H quite a bit about his motivations for being M to me and his feelings for me. He said that H's actions will tell the story over the next few months. The doing it will bring the answers. We'll either for a new habit of continued intimacy or discover that there's a roadblock. If there's a roadblock then the C will help us weed that out and deal with it. He says that analyzing up front takes so much time and sometimes it really is just that people are stuck and thinking too much. Sometimes we discover through the doing that our fears and inhibitions were holding us back needlessly. We think we can't move beyond them, but when we try it's easier than we thought at first... by then we're enjoying the payoff and choose not to pick those fears and inhibitions back up.

[SouthernGirl]

I've read some of your posts and guess I've missed you hammering at the girl posters.

Then you haven't read the pertinent ones. No worries, mate. Dom and I are old buddies. Or something. I have a certain fondness for his thickheaded self and, in my capacity as vengeance demon, make the occasional attempt to reform him. I'll know I've succeeded when he quits using this smiley, the use of which should be illegal under almost all circumstances.

Dom, I'll respond to your post tomorrow. Tonight I'm too tired for anything except snark.

[blackfoot]

Either LFL truly does respect and appreciate her H or she doesn't. Whether she is adequately expressing/communicating that respect/admiration/appreciation is another matter.

LFL is thinking about her options, cant stand the thought of M/L with her H, and is focusing on his negatives. She daydreams of OM.
She does not currently respect her H. Her feelings would be significantly differant if she did. (see Nops sig)

His behavior is female repellant right now. I would be shocked out of my gourd if she did desire him. If LFL decides that monthly sex is unacceptable to her, she is completely justified saying that and ending the R. I dont think a loss of attraction is a justifiable reason, or I would never get married, as I know that I will lose my attraction at some point. But thats just my opinion on M.

LFL has not done much that Mr. can see that shows she cares about him. Since day one here, she has always said she was doing this for the kids. It only took her a few months to quit trying to fix Mr, during their seperation and go find someone else. (understandable.) Im NOT hammering her, I am pointing out his feelings on the issue, since women appear incapable of empathizing with men.

Now he wants counseling. He needs help and he is admitting he is lost. I understand. She finds that icky.

So what.

And are you trying to scare me into staying in this M by throwing out "the next W" comment?
No. I was trying to think of a way for you to reach him that wouldnt put you off, and be effective. Since the original reason I came here was to share an insight or two with the men, (because ultimatly I currently believe its in his power, having seen no evidence to the contrary) and am just using you ladies as demonstration material, I couldnt think of one.

You Leaving him will probably send him on that journey. Long term, the stats say it would probably be good for him, but not so much for you. Thats MWD words, not mine. Thats me --as a friend--pointing it out to you. I dont care if you like it.

That was just kind of mean considering my emotional state today. Why are you being so insensitive? I thought we were friends.

If you found that insensitve, then you would really be shocked by how I address the males in my life that are in your sitch.
I am your friend. If I wasnt I would have had an EA with you and really twisted your feelings.

Because I am your friend, That means Im not going to blow sunshine up your skirt, just cause your having a bad day. If you want commiserating, you have GF's for that. Your going to pick and chosse the advice you want to hear, and who you want to hear it from.
From your response to me, and others (Im not talking about Dom) it appears as if you dont care or want to see what you can do, so that he feels respect or appreciated. In fact its been a toungue in cheek wink wink game to you ever since I first addressed his feeling respect and appreciation. That is actually in your power and YOUR JOB according to your vows, to maintain.
If you thought the 'we are friends' was going to make me backpedal from the seriousness of your crap attitude right now, you seriously misunderstood our former fun times around here.
Its you choice if you want to throw it out, cause you arent hearing what you want from me.

we should ask that our partners are at least self-aware enough to acknowledge when they are behaving in a manner that makes it difficult for us to respond appropriately

How would he know what this is-- when all his Pysch and environmental training has told him something differant?

It's another thing for a man to signal "I'm not willing to be the man."

He hasnt done that. He isnt a jerk, like some people whoes mirror image I find familiar. He is lost.
Its not attractive to her. period.
When a man comes on here and everyone commiserates with him that its ok if he leave his W because she has gained a few pounds, or is busy with babies and tired, then you can justify the above to me, or doesnt feel sexy or anyother deflection of sexual insecurity like Mojo gave Karen.

Until that imaginary day...
save it.
This is a M board and a DB board. Im not going to sit here and condone LFL's youngest of 6 footstomping tantrum.

Tell her to.... I dont know... woman up, and how did Corri put it.... stop being a little girl. That should make it clear to her.

Everyone tells men not to accept crap sex from their spouse, and here we have a man who doesnt feel respected and appreciated, (and I can go back and pull up examples, and admissions from you LFL) and Corri's advice was regarding his lack of desire (that to me looks eerily like HD and Baltomans lack of desire)

Fck him.

Thumbs up. Not.

Is the purpose of understanding desire and attraction to improve ourselves or to find the weakness in our spouse?
Is the loss of attraction justification for D?
Id like to hear from the women who say yes to the latter-- not so I can respond, just so I can know.

[Corri]

BF:

I appreciate your views on Rs, women, etc. But your hard line, beat your chest, respect me, I've been wounded, I'll never love again, I am an island, I am rock, I am Alpha Male stuff... has its limits.

I think it is wonderful Mr. LFL wants to go to counseling. So what's he waiting for? LFL doesn't have to go with him. She doesn't have to approve. He can go do what he needs to do to feel he has done everything to save his marriage.

He hasnt done that. He isnt a jerk, like some people whoes mirror image I find familiar. He is lost.

This is where the woman leans over and says "honey, let's stop and ask for directions." And in his own way, Mr. LFL has said just that. Well GREAT!!! DO IT.

And then you say his behavior isn't attractive to her. period. It sure as hell isn't.

So sometimes you DO have to say... 'fck it. I'm done.' Does that give a person the right to go out and have an affair? No. Does it give them the right to file for a D? No. But I can tell you... I sure as hell have gotten out of the car and started walking to get my own azz UNLOST if/when his dumb Alpha azz can't get himself/we unlost and on top of it, can't find it within his being to ASK for directions.

In fact its been a toungue in cheek wink wink game to you ever since I first addressed his feeling respect and appreciation. That is actually in your power and YOUR JOB according to your vows, to maintain.

In your own words... respect is not simply given. It's earned. It goes both ways. And if he can't pull his head out of his LD azz just like every other LD around here has to do to help save their M... then yeah... a well meaning 'fck you' can sometimes do wonders for that whole 'respect' thing.

You're disrespect of the female gender is really starting to magnify, my friend. I'm sure NOP could give you quite a few insights into why this might be so.

[blackfoot]

I'll never love again, I am an island, I am rock, I am Alpha Male stuff... has its limits.


I have said repeatedly, I am not an alpha male. I have no desire to be. even Mojo told me I need to integrate alpha and top. the rest is a lame attempt. I am a human. I need and have family, friends and R's. I was a placating wuss who lost his W when she lost her attraction.
Stop changing the focus.

So what's he waiting for? LFL doesn't have to go with him. She doesn't have to approve. He can go do what he needs to do to feel he has done everything to save his marriage.

He isnt here. she is. so why are you talking about what he should do?

I sure as hell have gotten out of the car and started walking to get my own azz UNLOST if/when his dumb Alpha azz can't get himself/we unlost and on top of it, can't find it within his being to ASK for directions.

This is so convoluted and contradictory its ridiculous. The best I can decipher you are mixing me and Mr, you and LFL into one example. Do you want to drown this in the minutia of ass covering and should bes, try to argue with me, and be tough pointy shoe wearing Corri, or do you want to give LFL some real insight into the pain and life upheaval and self destructive behavior, that comes in the wake of a D.


You're disrespect of the female gender is really starting to magnify, my friend.
Please point out one instance of my disrespect. If you truly think I disrespect women, you should implement a boundary and not call me friend.
I do not disrespect women. That doenst mean I respect toddlers who run with scissors. I do what needs to be done before they fall down and jab their eye out, even if the necessary steps causes them to stop laughing and cry.
Personally I think your projecting.

Edit. P.S. In traditional marriage vows, the man doesnt say respect and honor. He says cherish and protect. What that implies, is that it may take work and effort to accomplish what is said by the vow giver. Lord knows Ive made it clear I dont FEEL why I have to protect a woman from OM and maintain fences.
I would hazard a guess women dont FEEL why they have to show respect and honor.
If your next post contains ill aimed jabs at me, or what Mr. should be doing, its going to be a onesided convo.

[LustForLife]

Ok. I'm calmer today...drinking coffee, not wine....


I truly appreciate everyone's feedback on my situation.

Trying - I did want to address you first because it seems obvious to me you don't like me, yet you seem to follow my situation fairly closely.
Do I remind you of someone or something?
The only times I ever recall you posting to me is (twice) in a "put her in her place" type of way. Once now and once when I yelled at Nop
Nop I have respect for. Dom...not so much. But that's another issue.
Who I choose to talk/fight/debate/flirt with, etc is not really any of you concern. Yes, you have every right to post here, but I guess, as a fellow women, I'm confused. Women tend to like me. I like my fellow women. It seems to me you are only finding my faults, and of course that stings a little bit. I'm hurt too. Why are you always so cold to me?
You asked me to think about why I get angry sometimes at a few men who have tries to judge me (I felt) and I guess I will turn that around on you and ask, why do you feel the need to only post to me when I do that?
Anyways, thanks for caring enough to even read..I guess.

LFL

[Baltoman]

BF, I thought your post was very insightful yet I do agree with Corri that a "well meaning" fck you is sometimes useful and is not always disrespectful. I'd rather have my wife get pissed at me and curse than to feel pity or blow me off. Those behaviors are far more disrespectful to my way of thinking. Saying fck you implies to me that you are aware that the other person is strong enough to take it, unless your only intention is to hurt them.

[LustForLife]

Mind you I'm not at all convinced this is really it. LFL will prolly go back and forth quite a bit on this, given how she feels about keeping her family intact for the kids. But I think her position, right now, as it is, no matter if it changes tomorrow ... is fair. She's honest about where she is. And that deserves a ton of credit.

Thanks SG.
And you are so right. H and I got along fine last night and this morning. Really weird. Even gave each other a hug and peck.
I just don't know. I'm NOT willing to sell this house and have the kids taken out of the only environment they know. So if I have to suck it up for now, I guess I can suck it up.
LFL