All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

Thankyou Saffie & 25 yrs

I hear what you saying: to back off, stop analysing every little bit of communication, to slow down and have patience. I know im driving myself crazy, it's so hard not to. I have always over reacted, i'm trying though. Apart from a couple of back slides, i think on the whole i'm doing ok?, H sees me upbeat and listening and caring and getting on with things. Maybe he doesn't but my attitude around him is a lot better. I live in hope, that is what keeps me upbeat, thats the only way for now that I can cope.

I think my melt down this week was b/c H was constantly contacting me and I couldn't cope with it, I felt I had no breathing space.

However, I didn't send the letter in the end. My 24 hr rule and his words in his Anniversary card stopped me. I wanted to sleep on it. I felt he was trying to reach out to me so I emailed him and asked him what he ment by some of the things he had written in the card. His reply was:

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I have put so much effort, time in to work to earn money which at the end of the day is not as important as we all think.



I have done it at the expense of my family at the cost of my family



I forced you to go to work when I now realise you wanted to be with the boys and should have been with boys



I hate what I have become - I hate every thing (name of best friend)is and I don't want to be like it any more.



The most valuable thing we have is time, however none of us know just how much time we have left.



The Boys are growing up fast and when I think back about the girls I didn't spend hardly any time with them because I was working all the time chasing what I thought was the most important thing - A bigger house, better cars, more holidays. I now realise the most important thing is your family.


My life style will change in time - I will be changing the way I work



All the above is what I have learnt, its what I've come to realize. I've realized that I have sacrifised my family for work for my job. There is no work life balance here - its all work.


Hope this helps in explaining my words

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I felt really sad reading it, I could tell he was sad. That is teh most he has said to me in the last couple of years. In a later email to me he said it had taken 2 months to realise what he had just written.

My email in reply was:


Yes it does, thank you.

Thank you for telling me, it helps. I understand what you are saying and totally respect you. I know things have not been easy for you, you did your best and you did what you thought was right. You are not entirely to blame babes, I must take some responsibility for my behaviour over the last couple of years. I felt my life change when I became pregnant with x. I too have learnt a lot from been separated, I've learnt a lot about you, about myself and also what is important to me also. It isn't money or a big house; it's a simpler life with quality time for my husband and family.

Can we meet to talk? If you are not ready I will totally respect that you don't want to. Some things are easier to say in emails, others thing are not.

Either way, if you ever need me, you know where I am, I'll be there for you.

I love you

x

i added that we could just go out to enjoy dinner as friends and not neccesarily talk, his reply was after the xmas festivities - maybe.

I saw him later when he collected boys for the night, i was dressed up ready to go out and i know he noticed. I had a text off him while i was out. He knows now that if i'm out i'll reply when i get back home, don't know if thats a way of checking what time i'm coming home or not?

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At the time i felt he needed to hear those things, I don't know if i've pursued too much, yes probably, another back slide, another lesson learnt, at teh time it felt right, but now on reflection not so sure. He'll ask if he wants to, right?

I'll back off again now and let him enjoy his holiday without the guilt, I am a lot calmer now than at the beginning of the week, another lesson learnt, I hope to move on and become stronger again.

I love him and miss him.

EVE

xxxx