NikB's latest update (#23)

[NikB]

Hey Trixi - thanks for stopping by!

Tonight went ok... kind of weird, but ok. It actually seems positive but I am so afraid to even hope for that anymore.

I could be totally crazy.. but I feel like we both want more - and we even want it from each other - but it's just not there right now. (I'm sure you can relate). I seriously feel like we're soo close but we're both just missing something. What? Wish I could answer that.

All in all it was very positive I think, but my brain is kinda dwelling on the confusion/negatives at the moment.. working on quieting that down.

H came home kind of late - had gone out for drinks with some co-workers which wasn't a surprise. What WAS a surprise is he made a really big deal about who went. First he was telling me names (all umprompted by me) - a lot of times it'll be generically "friends from work", or he'll tell me some people who came but kind of obviously "omit" the name(s) that he knows would pi$$ me off. Tonight he listed them all then said "Yeah, that was it - they heard it was my birthday and all the guys came out!" (emphasized "guys").

Some history.. last year he had broken things off with OW(#1) shortly before his BD. She happens to also kinda be the social coordinator for the shop, brings in the cake for everyone's BD, etc. Last year after he told her to back off, she made it very clear throughout the shop that she WAS NOT doing anything for his BD. And didn't.. and he was pretty hurt by it. Not because it was "her" per se but because everyone else got a fun birthday and he didn't (they make a BIG deal about birthdays there so it was a pretty obvious slap in the face I think).

So... this year... according to H, no one even knew or acknowledged it was his BD until mid-afternoon when he told a couple of the guys, and they put together this happy hour thing last minute. I KNOW she still works there and knows his BD and he considers her a friend again.. not to mention the other brief EA he had with another co-worker... so that whole thing surprised me. He said something along the lines of "Aw man no one knew it was my BD AGAIN!" But was excited so many people came to happy hour - and thanked me again for the cake (and said he was glad he DIDN'T take it to work because this way he could have it all to himself.. thought that was cute).

All fairly positive right? But then at dinner there were some really awkward moments that I didn't quite know what to do with. First one was that his Dad invited him (well apparently us) to dinner for H's BD on Sat. night. He kept talking about it and I was just listening and interested.. but he was acting funny. Finally figured out why when he said "Soooo.. did you want to go too? I'd like it. If you want." It's like he wants to invite me to stuff but feels like he shouldn't, or something... it's strange. I already have plans for Sat. which I told him (bellydance teacher does a holiday dinner with her students and a performance at a local restaurant, which I'm going to with my mom and a friend). I told him I'd really love to go but that it was the bellydance thing and he said "Oh that's right! I'm sorry, I forgot."

Then he started talking about going to dinner w/his Mom and sis (my SIL) on Sunday night. I got confused and thought he was inviting me to that as well - asked what time and he looked at me like I was nuts and then backpedaled, telling me I was invited to his Dad's thing, not to Sunday. Soo.. he wants me to hang out with him and his dad, but I'm crazy for thinking I'd be going to something w/his Mom and sis???? I mean it's fine.. I don't really want to be around his mom in particular right now.. but it just makes me wonder what's going on.

Tomorrow night we're invited to a BD party for another friend of his - there are 3 of them who've been friends forever who have birthdays in the same week. One of the friends always likes to go to this Moroccan place for his birthday, so roughly 10-15 people are going to this. H and I had talked about it before and he was fine with me going - and on top of that the guy's W had called to invite me so I already knew about it and I'm excited to see everyone! She knows roughly what's going on and must've invited us both but in separate convos - because H mentioned it tonight then all of a sudden looked VERY freaked out - said "Oh.. oh no, I hope this was ok.. I said we'd be there. I mean both of us. I'm sorry, I hope that was ok. To say we'd both go. You want to go right?" What a WEIRD convo.

In H's defense by that point he'd had two of these crazy strong drinks. I had one sip just to taste it and an hour later was finally sobering up enough to drive home. So I'm pretty sure he was totally buzzed.. but I'm just still really confused. It's like we're "us" or not, depending on who asks.

When we got home he had some of his cake - had a glass of milk with it and thanked me for getting milk (we don't have it in the house that often so it was kinda a big deal for us to have milk when he wanted it w/his cake). Asked for another back rub.. I gave him a very nice looonnng backrub that he enjoyed a lot. When he went to bed he noticed I'd put on clean sheets (did I mention my cleaning binge today??) and made a huge deal about it. Again nice, but all just a little bit off, a little bit strange. Guess I got my "normal night" expectations up a little bit too high. Not TOO much as I'm fine now, but these off the wall moments still hit me a bit.

Expectation for tomorrow: get more to do's done, and have a lot of fun at friend's BD party! I'm totally in control of those, so I'm happy w/that.

Trixi - good question In response:

Out of curiousity, if he said that he did want a D, would you still want to be involved in his life? Would you want to give him those things?

Nope... MAYBE a loooong time in the future, but not right now. In fact I probably wouldn't have wanted all this except that things have turned more positive in the last month or so. If he was still being secretive, mean off and on, constantly texting, all that... no. When all that was happening I had very little interest in being wanted/involved in his life.

I don't know WHY his behavior has changed but it has.. he has not said he's committed, for all I know this is just a "get through the holidays easier" tactic... but things have gotten better (and not worse, always nice). So, for now, I want to be involved and keep building on those positives. Totally aware it could change tomorrow.. but going with what I know and feel today.

He's STILL never said the "D" word... closest he's come is "separate for awhile." D has been implied, of course.. but he's never said it.

Not sure if all that makes any sense... but hope so somewhat.