W said in the call that she was heading home. Then I didn't hear from her when she asked me to call. Of course the A thought hit, is she with OM??? Luckily I have learned to deal with that and not do a B behavior and reap the C conclusion. Just left it at that. Sent her a text after I got S down, saying "We missed you tonight, hope your feeling better."
Well W called a few minutes ago, right after the normal time of work. Told me how she couldn't leave because she is helping a women get support from her kids school district. My W has always been a counseler, and I feel in love with her because she went the extra mile to help people. I loved watching it. She taught me about volunteering and servie. I'm a full blown Ann Rand Capitalist with a republican base. W is pretty strong Liberal with feelings of helping everyone. But the balance has always been well between us. Hasn't been a sticker in the side, but I think something we helped balance each other out with. So I thought it pretty cool, that she is helping this totally disabled women try and get her kids picked up by the bus, even though they are within the 2 mile walking distance to the school, and just barely within the 2 mile boundary.
She said she had talked to her Mom about us and her work. Didn't say why or what, but if she is mentioning it, must be good. She said she wanted to come over but she had to head home now.
Her comes the killer. She has been PMS'ing pretty hard over the last week. Kept saying she hoped her period would start so the hormones would stop. Well tonight she mentions that she started and feels so much better. But it has been brought up so much, I'm wondering if she was worried about being pregnant with OM child. Not going to let it effect me, but too many phrases by her to ignore it. On another note, I have left her in the mornings in the house, when she slept on the couch. A few t-shirts and boxers are missing. Nothing else taken, so I think that is a good sign.
She is still making fun of OM, and calling him names and such. Says the grass isn't greener. But no move towards me. She did bring up Saturday night again about watching movies together. So she is excited about it. Good.
So MIL is asking to see S, since I pretty much have him all the time lately with W's depression. Even though it is my weekend, I agreed to let MIL take him on Saturday while W works. I'm thinking of keeping him Friday night and then taking him to MIL for Saturday. I haven't seen MIL in 4 months. That would give me a chance to talk with her a little. Good idea? Not sure, but MIL was cheated on and left behind, I don't want to "tattle" but I don't think MIL knows the whole story and I think if she knew she would work to save this M, like she was before. MIL is a huge matriarch in the family and the rock, if she knew the whole issue she would take action. Not sure what to do.
I am thinking of pushig away from the D finalizing, and then trying to work on the marriage, but rather sign some sort of pre-nup although already married. Just stating that if we go back south this is how the split will happen. W keeps mentioning that she wants none of this, and wants to just dismiss the D, but makes no move to MC or IC, just talk. But if I had a contract behind me I could relax a little.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm begining to get attached again, and I need to guard my heart, but I do know what I want. Back to basics! She is everything to me, and this whole process just kills. I can't just be her friend, it would kill me. But I guess that is better then nothing.
I read something today on the net about fighting and loving. But the worse case is just numb apathy, because there is no emotion. That hit home hard. There seems to be just nothing, no feeling, no emotion from W. Nothing. For a romantic at heart that just kills.
