Holy sh!t! Do you think he has a sister in the practice? That's some pretty straightforward advice...especially for a first visit.
Of course, my W and I went to a MC for over a year and got zippo. The MC even told my W once that my physical "needs" were valid and that she should "ignore them at your peril."
LOL Hairdog... I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a sister but I did wonder if he has issues with his W and can relate. Seriously though - This wasn't our first time with our C. It's the first time we've tackled our sex issues head on where I've been angry and ready to give up.
He's a behavioral therapist and doesn't spend a lot of time mulling over the past or why feelings are holding us back. For most things he recommends that we change our actions to what we need/want them to be, create new habits. If the feelings don't follow, then it's time to discover what's holding us back. It's been wonderfully different from other C we've had.
I too had LFL's reluctance to forgive and stopped wanting to ML to H. I built a wall of protection around me and stubbornly complained about H's desire for sex while I was pushing him away and not trying to initiate or attract him. My thoughts were "why try and be rejected. He's hurt me so much, I'm not going there again, etc etc" Bitter stuff! It took one session with my C last spring to get me out of that mind set and on the right track with my thinking. He encourages goal setting and action rather than analysis and what he calls "excuse making that leads nowhere".
For instance, I can say "I can't be in a M without sex". He'd challenge this. He'd say "yes you can and you have been. The question is, are you going to choose to continue being in a M without sex?" Work to resolve the unhappiness. He says we tend to get confused and ride the fence because we don't like our choices, but life is full of tough choices. He says the choices are clear if we accept responsibility for our own happiness. I can leave H because my needs aren't being met, or I can stay. If H meets my needs, that's great, but if not, then the ball is in my court. I either leave, or I admit that sex is not the most important need my M is fulfilling. Like.. my need for my children to have a father might trump my need for a healthy sex life, therefore I choose to stay. If I make that choice I have to embrace the payoff of having a father for my kids and find another way to meet my sexual needs. I should not however, blame my H for me remaining in a SSM because I made a concious decision to sacrifice that for my kids. Blaming him will just lead to anger and resentment and that's not promoting happiness for me. I'll have to make peace with it, or be miserable.. still my choice. So, telling H that he should meet my needs if he wants to keep this marriage allows him to decide what he wants. His actions will communicate his choice. It's fruitless to keep asking and get stuck when someone's actions show their decision. He said this is when people get stuck because they keep trying and trying and getting the same answer (communicated by actions), yet they refuse to accept it. We get stuck and stop living because we want someone else to change, take responsiblity for our happness and blame them if they refuse.
Anyway, not to hijack, just some explanation about our C approach. He says it much better than I do! I just know his approach has helped a lot in other areas, I'm hoping it helps our physical R as much.
