You were all right...unfortunately...

[Corri]

B50:

I'm sorry, buddy, you are seriously, seriously deluding yourself. Hello. You even posted an entire thread that is titled "You were all right, unfortunately." So then... we show up with some more advice... and you continue to argue and defend your W.

I don't get that.

The childhood story... I'm sorry for her. It does NOT in any way, shape, or form... justify an affair. Lonely feelings... being angry, sure. An affair? Because you weren't paying attention? Please. Most Hardware stores carry ample supplies of 2 x 4s.

You are 50% responsible for getting your marriage in a state that made one or both of you vulnerable to an affair (and I'm still waiting to hear from you on what you think your part in all of this has been). But when a person decides to take the step to participate in an affair, they are 100% responsible for those decisions and actions.

ALL the advice others here have posted to you comes from experience... and notice how it is largely the same kind of advice... hmmm... wonder why... maybe because... it's TRUE???

Your DB coach is right that since you have confronted, your W and your friend are probably going to lay low for awhile, and more than likely, get more secretive.

I'm glad you are willing to babysit your wife's morality and ethics instead of making her responsible for her own choices. That might even be part of the problem to begin with.

I wish you luck.

[Kettricken]

Ok, it's lame to just pile on top .... but what Hairdog and Corri said.

Seriously.

Compassion is good. Enabling is not.

[chocolateeyes]

b50,

I'm sorry that you're going thru this. I have gone thru the EXACT same thing this year, which is why my "affair" meter was pegged on your previous thread.

I didn't want to be right.

I cannot stress to you strongly enough how much you need to listen to the others on here. "Don't spook the infidels" is NOT the way to get your wife back, if that's indeed what you want to do (as others have suggested, that's the first thing you need to figure out). You need to CONFRONT your wife, EXPOSE the affair to the key players (her parents, your parents, your kids [in an age-appropriate way], OM's wife, wife's best friend.)

She will be LIVID. I had to do this, and it was the scariest thing I've ever had to do. I have always been a "pleaser" and a "rescuer", and this WASN'T me. But it NEEDS TO BE DONE before the real work can begin.

My wife ended her affair, and came back to her family. We may or may not make it, but at least we are dealing with each other, and with our kids and her parents, HONESTLY now. Nothing of value is ever built upon a foundation of deceit.

Man, I KNOW how you feel right now. It's like someone -- no, not "someone", the One You Care About More than Anyone Else -- has taken a chainsaw straight to your sternum, and cut your heart out, threw it on the floor, and stomped on it. At least my OM was an acquaintence (my 47 year old wife's 29yo personal trainer!), and not my best friend; I can't even imagine how that must feel on top of it.

The good news is, REGARDLESS of what happens to your marriage, you really CAN (and do) come thru this stronger in a lot of ways. It DOES get better. The next few weeks are gonna just plain SUKK tho, just prepare yourself.

And DON'T placate her. Confront her, expose them, and man-up and do the hard work necessary, IN LOVE.

NOP helped me, and so did the others here. Listen to him. I will tell you, some of his advice I accepted immediately, and some of it I had to learn, stubbornly, the hard way. He was never wrong. He even predicted my wife's affair, in advance, just by the way I was treating the marriage.

You're in my prayers, buddy.

- Chocolateeyes

[Burgbud]

Choc, when you get a chance, would you drop me an email: [e-mail]. I'd like to draw on some of your experience to help a friend if you're up for it.

[bombardier50]

I hear you all. I have gone back through the thread.

You are right. I must put a stop to this.

I have spent the last three hours pacing the living room and practicing what I will say. I am nervous and scared as hell. My f___king heart is just pounding. But I know I have to do this. I will pick the time and do this.

Wish me luck.

[ann25]

I know that the DB coach has given you some advice and you've done that and if you want to stick to that plan, i pray it works for you, but here's a slightly different perspective...

The sits leading up to this are far diff than yours, but:

I had an EA (online) that lasted about 3 months. My husband did the same as you and found the emails. We shared pictures and sexual fantasies. I told him i loved him (i didn't, but he made me feel good) anyways. My H found the emails, he confronted me immediately. He made me sit down with him in front of the computer and go through a ton of emails and pictures and stories. I have never felt so ashamed of myself. He also said this. "I love you and I want to stay married to you. You have 2 choices. You either stop talking to him here and now or it's over" I deleted the email account while he watched and the next morning I changed my cell phone number. I haven't spoken a work to him since. Quite honestly i don't miss the EA or OM. I only think about it when H asks about it. Did that fix everything, no, but now we can.

Only you know your W, but i would highly recommend telling her she needs to make a decision. You or him cause you will not stand for this. Even if it is only flirting and talking. you deserve to be treated better than that.

all my best... ann

[SouthernGirl]

Go do it, bombardier. It's the only way. The only thing that will happen if you don't expose, expose, expose is that the affair will go underground.

Raise hell. With love. And don't let her weasel her way out. And don't let her talk you into not telling OM's wife. She needs to know. Chances are OM doesn't really want to end his marriage, and his wife will be an important ally.

There's an undercurrent of strength in your posts, just as there was in Choc's. You can do this.

[chocolateeyes]

Bomb,

When I confronted my wife the first time, I rehearsed it in my head about 25 times. When I re-confronted her about a month later -- armed with recordings of her and the OM, making fools of themselves and talking about lying to our children -- I typed out what I wanted to say and rehearsed it about 50 times. Out loud, and even role-playing the eye contact and facial expressions that I wanted to use.

Practice it, and then pray for strength. And then just DELIVER IT. I was actually more nervous PRACTICING it than I was DOING it. Remind yourself that SHE is the one that should be nervous, and that has explaining to do!

As someone else just said, tell her you love her (I told my wife that my love for her was a "real" love, that would endure when she turned 50, and went thru menopause, and 60, and 70, and ... she melted and bawled), but tell her that you respect your marriage too much to let her carry on like this. Tell her she has a decision to make, and that you have been patient, but that your patience has an end to it. The line NOP gave me was "I know all about you and ______, and it has to stop right now. You are disrespecting me, you are disrespecting our marriage, and you are disrespecting our family."

You can do this. And you will feel SO much better for having stood up for yourself.

Choc.

[saffie]

Bombadier,

I am so sorry this was the outcome.

I hate to say this but I agree with Nop and the others about confrontation. I know Nop's views might seem a bit extreme but it was the course I took with my H once he told me about his A. He did actually tell me about the A rather than me 'discover' it, but I went public about it. Pressure from outside can be amazingly helpful and make one's S see things 'more clearly'. In my sitch OW's family, (her parents) new about the A and supported their daughter and helped her leave her H and kids. Things were much further along than they are with your W, ( OW had set up a 'love nest'), so it would have been easy for my H to split in some ways. My kids, friends, and both our families really made my H think. Also one of my kids contacted OW after they found out about the A - that had a major impact on OW.

I hope you are OK.

Saffie

[bombardier50]

Okay, so I did it.

I told her that I thought her relationship was a lot more than just friends, that it hurt me deeply and was disrespectful of me, and I told her I wanted it to stop.

Her responses included: "What, you mean I can't have friends?", "I think you have some serious insecurities.", "I haven't had sex with anyone but you!", followed by a rehash of all the things I have done in the past that have hurt her, blah, blah, blah.

I said:"Look. We need to resolve this or it will tear us apart. We both deserve to be happy. I prefer to live my life happily with you, but if that doesn't happen, I'm prepared to find happiness without you. I think our kids would be devastated if we can't find a way through this, so I ask you to think about them."

She said:"I think we need to go to counseling."

I knew I didn't want to go to counseling, but I didn't feel like I could tell her no. She would use my refusal as an excuse. So I said: "OK, fine. But I think we need to do some individual work with the counselor before we try to resolve our problems as a couple." She agreed. And that was it.

She is working tonight, so tonight I will confront the OM.

So, wise people. How'd I do?