Mcol, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what you've gone thru, for what you're going thru and definitely for what you're going to be going thru...and that's enough feeling sorry for now.
You're going to have to hold two things in your mind at once. Your W is a beautiful person (who I doubt is of low morals, c'mon Ellie) that has been thru quite a lot. She's still full of the wonderful traits that attracted you to her in the first place and that constitute the woman you're still in love with. She's also in an awful lot of pain. She deserves empathy and understanding.
She's handling her pain, however, poorly and destructively. You have to be willing to deal with that and protect yourself and your kids from it.
So you have be sympathetic and strong. Gentle but firm.
(Mcol) I also did an anti-DB and got the information pertinent to my financial obligations currently and in the future.
That's NOT anti-DB. You have to figure out the possibilities and protect yourself. You're probably going to have to take some actions that may look like punishment from your W's perspective. You'll have to deal with that. I don't believe that you want to punish her and I think it would be counterproductive to punish her, but if legitimately protecting yourself looks like punishment, so be it. As I mentioned in my other post, you have a good model for what that looks like.
If you don't have an attorney, get one. If your W isn't already using the guy P&DB used, get him. If she is, get a recommendation for someone equally as good. If you suspect your W is still having an affair, snoop and find out. Don't keep snooping after that because you'll just cause yourself pain, but you do need to understand the terrain. Talk to your attorney about what you need to do to prove an A. Talk to your attorney about "alienation of affection," since this is a North Carolina issue.
If she's having an affair, separate your finances. Give her the money she needs to run your household but don't pay for the cell phone she's using to facilitate her A.
(FlyGirl) It'll be your first step in becoming the man who's more of a man than OM. I think your W wants a man. Not a doormat. You've been a doormat for too long.
There's no "think"ing that your W wants a man. You know she needs a man, and she needs a leader with all she's going thru. If you've been a doormat for too long now's the time for a 180. The opposite of "doormat" isn't "a$$hole", btw. The opposite of "doormat" is "man". A man can be compassionate and forgiving without being anything near a doormat. That's your job.
Enough for now. You need to develop a plan fairly quickly and start implementing it but it doesn't have to happen in an instant. Love her and give her your understanding but make it obvious you're going to lead yourself thru this and she can trust you to lead her, too (it'll take time to build that trust). What you're not going to do is *follow* her into craziness and you're certainly not going to enable.
Listen to your SIL; she's smart and she knows the players. If something she says doesn't sit right with your gut, though, follow your gut (but not your bleeding heart...gotta learn the difference.)
If you have any questions or just want to talk about anything, spill it. I'll be checking in here and you can also reach me via email: burgbud@rubywolf.com.
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