Here we go 'round in circles...

[SDFoundGirl]

I *finally* feel like I'm turning that corner. Finally, after how long? A year and seven months? The effects of the bomb in a marriage are long...much longer than I expected anyway.

H's job sitch is squared away in a way that works for both of us. It's really exciting really. We learn how to communicate better every day...and I'm learning to speak my mind compassionately and to set boundaries so I don't feel afraid or angry or taken advantage of. It's been a really good thing for me to learn.

After a recent disagreement-ish (nothing big) I realized that what I really need to do is trust myself enough to stay detached and not worry about whether H holds on to anything I do that bothers him like he did pre-bomb. I can't control that; there are no guarantees that he won't cycle down the same path. However, *I* am a different human being now. I know I can face whatever, and I trust myself enough to know that. I'm letting go of my need for guarantees.

MC gave H some cr*p about not making the M a conscious priority, pretty much put him on the hot seat. We actually had a great session last night where she asked me what I thought was missing...and my answer was real intimacy. I know that issue is as much my problem as his. I keep a barrier between me and other people...and with H a lot of that was erected because of his disapproval--silent or otherwise--of me in the past. And so I just learned to hide better...and it's cost us intimacy. H admitted that he senses that wall and doesn't know what to do.

So, now that's what we're working on. Can we do it? I don't know. I feel sometimes like I've found so many other friends and outlets from GAL that I don't much care, and that's probably just code for I'm afraid. I'm afraid to open up to a certain extent...afraid of getting crushed again. But...if I don't, then I'm missing out on something wonderful. So I have to at least try.

H told me last night we were invited to LW's house for her xmas party on Friday, and said he'd told her maybe. We're going on vacation next week, we've both been brutally busy, I've been sick, and we have an already full weekend, so he said it didn't matter if we went or not. I think he kind of wants to...and I didn't give him an answer last night. I told him we should play it by ear. I can honestly say that I've let go of most of that...and it's not an emotional decision when I say I just don't want to. LW and I can never be friends or even friendly. I can be cordial, but beyond that, I just don't want to. I choose to spend my time doing things that bring me joy, and this does not. So I think I'm going to tell H he's welcome to go, but I'm going to pass for my own well-being.

All is well for me, personally. I have a friendly, peaceful marriage, and I'm hoping to build it into something better. To me, that is a gift in itself.

SD