I'm sorry that you're going thru this. I have gone thru the EXACT same thing this year, which is why my "affair" meter was pegged on your previous thread.
I didn't want to be right.
I cannot stress to you strongly enough how much you need to listen to the others on here. "Don't spook the infidels" is NOT the way to get your wife back, if that's indeed what you want to do (as others have suggested, that's the first thing you need to figure out). You need to CONFRONT your wife, EXPOSE the affair to the key players (her parents, your parents, your kids [in an age-appropriate way], OM's wife, wife's best friend.)
She will be LIVID. I had to do this, and it was the scariest thing I've ever had to do. I have always been a "pleaser" and a "rescuer", and this WASN'T me. But it NEEDS TO BE DONE before the real work can begin.
My wife ended her affair, and came back to her family. We may or may not make it, but at least we are dealing with each other, and with our kids and her parents, HONESTLY now. Nothing of value is ever built upon a foundation of deceit.
Man, I KNOW how you feel right now. It's like someone -- no, not "someone", the One You Care About More than Anyone Else -- has taken a chainsaw straight to your sternum, and cut your heart out, threw it on the floor, and stomped on it. At least my OM was an acquaintence (my 47 year old wife's 29yo personal trainer!), and not my best friend; I can't even imagine how that must feel on top of it.
The good news is, REGARDLESS of what happens to your marriage, you really CAN (and do) come thru this stronger in a lot of ways. It DOES get better. The next few weeks are gonna just plain SUKK tho, just prepare yourself.
And DON'T placate her. Confront her, expose them, and man-up and do the hard work necessary, IN LOVE.
NOP helped me, and so did the others here. Listen to him. I will tell you, some of his advice I accepted immediately, and some of it I had to learn, stubbornly, the hard way. He was never wrong. He even predicted my wife's affair, in advance, just by the way I was treating the marriage.
