Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

Okay folks, it's confession time... I've been focusing WAAAAY too much on what my wife has been doing and too much on reading about what I should be doing. I haven't been doing enough for me.

I realized this morning that I've gotten trapped in the pitfall of learning all about A's and R's and what GAL means. I have spent months thinking that I'm working on me but really all I've done is take very small steps for me.

I thought I was detaching, I wasn't.
I thought I was getting a life, I wasn't.
I thought I was busting a divorce, I wasn't.

All I'm doing is reading and complaining and wishing. I'm reorganizing my priorities and making goals for myself. I have wasted a couple of months so far and don't want to do that anymore. Maybe not a complete waste mind you, but I have been modifying my interactions with W, not modifying my life to make for a happier me.

I believe that OM coming back into the picture when he did could be a saving grace - in an odd sort of way. I was getting sucked back in so easily and hadn't improved myself enough to really make any of my changes long lasting. Granted, this time she's talking about how he is the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with but this gives me the opportunity to truly detach, truly get a life and prepare myself for moving on, if that's what the future holds.

Okay, confession over. Thanks!!

[Michael Mc C]

Long post here... So I've been working on trying to set some goals for myself. I don't have much of a list yet but some of the things I'm going to do are:

1) Work on health/fitness

• I need to join a gym. I've contemplated this for a while but always have an excuse. Right now the current excuse is the money but seriously, the gym down the road is $21.00/month. No need to put this off. I also need to add some basic exercises to my routine at home (walking before/after work, etc.)
• I've lost over 30 pounds since July (not all sitch related). I have been backsliding on some of the snacking and getting lazy about the foods I'm cooking. I need to stay focused on a healthy diet (39 tomorrow, my heart will thank me for this).
• Quit smoking. Since September I have been smoking more than I ever have in my life. This is a long-term goal but I am going to start off with simply cutting back (39 tomorrow, my heart will thank me for this).

2) Getting out in the world

• W and I have a close-knit group of friends but I need more variety in my life. Over the past few years I've been more outgoing with people in stores and on the street. I need to expand that into making real relationships.
• Volunteering within the community. I've been looking for opportunities to get out there and meet new people while also giving back to the community. I would love to work with Habitat for Humanity but, maybe because of the season, I haven't found anything similar in the area. I have a found a few opp's however that I could include the kids.
• Since beginning my GAL'ing (or what I thought was GAL'ing) I've been accepting invitations from people that I normally would not have, especially without W. Instead of simply waiting to be invited I want to start organizing events and get-togethers. This would be a big one for me as my W has historically handled things like this. I've already started with inviting people over to the house for my birthday tomorrow. Not a huge step but it felt good doing it anyway.

3) My job

• I need to remain focused on my job and my career. It has been too easy to get sucked into the sitch at home and spend hours on this board. I haven't screwed anything up yet but there have been some close calls with project deadlines. None of this is worth screwing with my career.
• Since my office closed in Sept '06 and I've been working from home I have been sleeping in until around 7:00. My first meeting is at 8:00. When I had to commute every day I was getting up at 5:30 which gave me plenty of time to ease into the day. I am going to start getting up early again so I can once again start the day slowly and with a clear head. There have been plenty of days where I've worked in my pajamas. Getting back into a normal working routine, I think, will help my PMA as well as my separation of work/home life (very important!)

4) Home life/kids

• I have 'threatened' to have my kids start taking on more responsibility around here. This has been a point of contention between me and W. There is no reason why these guys shouldn't have chores, in fact they NEED chores (IMO) to help build character.
• I need to spend more time focusing on things we need to get done around the house. In the early days of the sitch my wife complained about projects that needed to be done (this was one of the 'fluff' reasons for her dissatisfaction, I simply didn't do enough). Since she created the "daddy do-list" I've completed a few of these things but began slacking when I realized there was more to this than just some work not getting done. I've looked around and realized that these things really should be done, if for no other reason than general maintenance (celing repair, bathroom tile work, painting rooms, etc.)
• I need to find activities for the kids. I can't spend the weekends sitting around and neither can they. When I was a kid my parents always had something planned for us so every couple of weeks we would be off doing something.

Okay, most of these vague but it's a start. I'm going to take some more time to really get the details together.

One quick update. I found that I have been detaching but still need more work. I see my wife on the computer for most of the day and all night long. This still irks me (which is how I know that I need to detach more) because it's such a waste of time (IMO). I can't believe the hermit-like existence she has "grown" into but I also realize that it's not my problem. If this is how she gains fulfillment and happiness, so be it. I cannot judge and I cannot fix it. I'm working on simply accepting that this is who she is and what she does. Once I get there I think I will be well on my way.

One realization I have had is that if we had just met, this is not the type of behavior that I would find attractive. I know that some will say that she is simply escaping and needs someone to pull her out of this. As of now, this is neither MY concern nor my job. As long as there is an OM, I ain't pulling her out of anything - except decisions that will harm the kids.

[nutfarmer]

All great goals! Please add: Consult with an attorney.

I see many people on this board who get caught up in the symbolism of consulting a family law attorney. Try thinking of it as a business move. Your partner (wife) is making decisions that could have long-term effects on the company (family). By being informed, you can formulate a strategy to minimize these effects or compensate for them. Also, you can avoid mistakes on your part that might further jeopardize the company (family).

If there were no kids involved it wouldn't be such a big deal. In this case, their future is at stake as well...whom they might live with, assets available for their education, etc. Responsible parents think about these things instead of chasing "fulfillment" with some internet "soul mate."

Sorry about the tone of this post. Your wife's choices chapped my hide.

Nut

[Michael Mc C]

No need to to apologize. That is definitely a goal and I really do need to take care of business!! Thanks for the feedback.

[Michael Mc C]

Question for everyone. W has been pushing for marital counseling but she still has a boyfriend and she has stated that she does not plan to fix the marriage but instead to help us through this.

This push came when she realized a lawyer or judge may insist on it as a pre-requisite for D.

Is it worth it? We would be going with 2 completely different agendas. I know that Frank_D and Rob1231 both went with "uncooperative" wives but their wives didn't have OM's by the time counseling began, I believe.

[Hurtin4certain]

What have you got to lose?

[Michael Mc C]

Just some updates regarding goals:

• I found the Habitat for Humanity website for my area and I've completed the volunteer registration form. I'm really psyched about this. I also think I want to find an opportunity that puts me outside my comfort zone. I think something that involves one-on-one interaction could do the trick so I'm continuing to look around for ideas.
• I found a way to work the gym membership into the budget. W is starting a job soon to offset her personal expenses so that will free some cash up for yours truly.
• I have a prescription for Chantix but my medical plan won't pay for it. However, some quick math shows that if I pay for it out of pocket AND stop smoking, I'll save about $150 a month. Once the Chantix (and my determination) have done their job, I'll be saving approximately $270 a month. I should have done the math MUCH sooner - duh. Holy crap, that's 12.6 gym memberships!
• I have updated the "daddy do list" with ideas from the kids as well as 'nice to haves' from the W. Yeah, she's still allowed her input... Going to start prioritizing them based on necessity, expense, inconvenience (the tile work will put the shower out of commission for a couple of days) and the season - don't want to be on the roof for at least 4 more months.
• I have reset my alarm clock to 5:30 and I've already got my mornings mapped out. One of the benefits of getting up at 5:30 is that it is less likely that anyone will 'interfere' with my planned routine.
• Have found some attorneys and will be starting to call around in the morning.
• I found a local family counseling practice and W has already made the call. They are checking out insurance coverage and will be getting back to us. They think that we will have to do out of pocket if anxiety or depression are not involved... They want anxiety? I'll give them anxiety...
• ** BONUS *** While looking on the company intranet for contributions towards family counseling I found a 4 part series on Managing Change. At first I thought this was a "coping" series but found that it is actually about why attempts to change fail and how proper preparation for change (whatever the change) will help make those changes permanent. Can't wait to get those lessons under my belt.

Tomorrow's the big 39 for me. Last day before I start my 40th year on Earth. Having friends and family over. W hasn't made any comments about it but I'm not surprised, sadly. Her brother, who is going to be here, asked if she was going to be around because apparently her MySpace page says she'll be over at a friend's house. I told him that I have no idea what plans she has. Me, on the other hand, I have a plan. I bought my corned beef and cabbage yesterday (love the stuff - Irish, go figure - going to get that cooking around 6 a.m.) and got myself a birthday cake. BIL is bringing the Guinness and we're going to have a blast.

My sister is going to take Things 1, 2 and 3 (kids) out to the store tomorrow afternoon to pick me up some gifts. I was going to bring them but that would have been really awkward.

As with our anniversary back in November, I have no expectation that my wife will mark the day until someone makes a comment. I expect she will simply say that she lost track of the date ("all I know is that it's FRIDAY"). After 20 years, no excuse for it.

Just updating on my goals has boosted my PMA!

[NoCodeBlues]

Happy birthday, again, Michael!

[LL44]

Wow Michael those are some amazing goals. Notice, all about you, changing you, making your life better. Therefore becoming an even better father. You are going to rock in your 40th year on this Earth. I say if W is willing to head to counseling, grab your coat and go. Let us know how it goes......

[hopeforfuture]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL!!

Have a great weekend.

BTW, the goals sound great