Just checking in. The exam went fine. I could have done better, but this teacher didn't give us half a clue. She should NOT be teaching. So many of these that teach at night seem to only be qualified because they are in the field and not because they have any ability to teach. I have her again next semester too. Blah.
H has been on the run away train. Last Saturday D18 came home for a few hours and had a meltdown. She started crying in the nail salon and cried for a long time. She was stressed out with finals, but she started talking about her dad and just broke my heart. I told H about it the next day and I really think he was more concerned with how she knew he was leaving again then the fact she fell apart!
Last night he was mad because she had not returned a couple of his phone calls and he was in the "leave me alone" mode. He finally started up on how she wouldn't call him and I let him have it on how hurt these kids are by what he's done. I told him he has been horrible to me, but what kills me is what he's done to them. He ranted for a while but then said starting today he was going to make it up to the kids.
His basic senario was we'd fake it around them. I told him NO, that is not enough for me anymore. I've been telling him for the past two weeks he needed to go asap and he kept saying he can't find a place. Please! There are one-bedroom apartments everywhere. It's another excuse. I've told him more than once in the past week that this is no longer acceptable to me, that I deserve more from a R than this. I told him if he's leaving to do it now, that I wanted to stop all this, that too many people were being hurt and someone had to say enough.
So, last night I heard that even if he wanted to leave he couldn't afford to. Beginning today the kids would see their old dad again. Etc.
He just doesn't get it. The kids will see right through an act. And like S23's gf said last night to me, if H tries with them, but continues to treat me badly it would never work.
I don't think he was prepared for me to agree with him about leaving and wanting him to do it immediately. I want peace. I don't want him here like this anymore. I'd rather be alone than with the person he is right now. I have reached a new level in this mess. I'm tired of it all. I don't want to play anymore. I can pray for him wherever he is.
But, it seems, he's still here. . .
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
It has gotten to the point that my feelings for him are dead. I don't know if this is detachment, or if I've just been worn down, but I feel numb.
I don't care if he goes or if he stays. Well, that is not entirely true. I fantasize about packing up all the crap I don't want and sending it with him and redecorating.
Now, he says he can't eat, that his appetite is gone--again. Is it depression? I don't know. He's a mess. That I know.
I think I might have slept 4 hours last night. I can't believe I made it through work today. I'm going home and take my dog for a walk.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sweetie - he is nutso - so far out in the left field it isn't true. You need time and space.
He really is the ultimate drop-in - and to think there are ladies here who want their h's to stay at home!! They should all read your threads and then help them pack.
Sorry sweets, I am sympathetic - it is just so loony for you.
Sorry know the type. That is why I had to tell my H to leave. He would have stayed forever, and BTW kept the OW. He was very dependent on me. I just couldn't take it. Nor could he really.
It was unbelievably painful after he left. But now I feel a million times better. I even feel better about my H. At first I just wanted him out of my life. But as time went on that too has changed. Now I know I want him in my life, but in a whole new way. It remains to seen if he will also change.
Hugs. Big hugs. I totally understand. I mean, enough already, right? We've had ENOUGH. How much is a person supposed to take? I don't blame you. There used to be a time I'd rather have H home than anything else; now I feel like you...don't come around me in the state you're in. They bring us down. I think he is scared, and that is why he doesn't move out. And truthfully he really doesn't want to go, he just isn't proactive about getting help for himself.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I do think he really deep down isn't sure he wants to go. Or maybe he's afraid he'll be making a huge mistake. I don't know. I just don't care anymore.
Last night he said as of today the kids would get their old dad back. He'd act his way through if he had to. So, on the way home the kids tell me on the phone that they found porn on our computer. I call H and tell him and he denies he's looked at any since we talked about it a few weeks ago.
H gets home before me. D18 just got home this afternoon from college for Christmas break. H speaks to her. No hug or anything. Not at all like old H. Barely talks to S23 and his gf and spends the rest of the night in the bedroom reading, goes to bed at 8 p.m. Some real effort to reach the kids, huh?
I went to workout and came home got a shower and watched tv with all the kids. He's a waste of space right now. S23 said tonight that he is completely done with him. The porn was the final straw.
Ughhh. This is the 3rd Christmas we've been in this mess. He is ruining our lives and he gets mad that everyone thinks he's responsible for it all! Well, who the heck is responsible? The rest of us are still human!
I almost wish I'd come home and he and all his stuff would just be gone. I don't want to see him leave, and I don't want the kids to have to see it. He's not capable of stepping up to the plate and being a dad to these kids. They are ashamed of him, I'm sorry to say.
He informed me this afternoon that Marilyn Manson tickets go on sale Saturday morning and we can't go shopping until he gets his on the internet. My H is 46!
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
