A question about your past sitch...

[MaxP]

Hi,

I have a question about the background to people's sitches who are now piecing. How many of you went through a phase where your spouse entered a new (exclusive) R with an OM/OW and then came back? If so why do you think it happened and how did it affect you?

Just curious.

Max

[IAChild]

MaxP,

Not sure about details here, but in my case, my H2B did, but I knew it wasn't very serious. He actually had a couple of gf's while we were separated.

You might check the Successful Men thread over in the Newcomer's Forum. There is loads of material there.

[ediemarie]

Hey Max -
My H had an exclusive R with an OW. He started his EA with her 10/05, PA 12/05, ended his R 3/07, rekindled 8/07, ended 9/07. According to my H, he came back becuase he believes it is the right thing to do. I think he still struggles with his feelings for her and me, but is concentrating on doing the right thing. I decided to stand and there are times (like today) when I question staying in this M. I deserve more. If it weren't for my faith, I wouldn't be standing. There would be no point. I wouldn't consider my H 100% back in this R, but I would say that he is 100% done with his A.

If so why do you think it happened and how did it affect you?

I assume you are asking why I think his A happened. It happened because my H had no idea who he was. He lost sight of what he believed and what he felt was the right thing to do. How did it affect me? It made me realize that I too lost sight of who I was. I thought my H was responsible for my happiness - crazy, I know. We haven't been married that long, almost 5 years, and they have been turbulent days since day 1. Both of us were relying on one another to complete each other - impossible - and we both failed each other miserably. We are now at a place where we are both working on making ourselves happy - and that helps to make each other happy.

Hope this helps...
Em

[MaxP]

IAChild, thanks for the input, I will check out the successful men thread.

ediemarie, it sounds like life has been pretty tough for you, with many ups and downs. My W also complained of losing sight of who she was, she also claimed to have changed / grown and implied that I hadn't. It is true that we did too much together and she lost her identity through that and grew to resent me. I didn't realise that I too, had lost sight of who I want to be and what I enjoy.

I think that through being happy as an individual, great happiness can come from the R too. They will come to compliment each other. It's a very strange place to be when you suddenly can't answer the question as to why you are not happy on your own. It's an easy trap to fall into for some of us. It sounds to me like you are moving in the right direction, which is good.

In my case, I have just found out my W is now considered part of a couple with her new man, an old university friend. She declared our R to be over 6 weeks ago after 3.5 months of separation. I do not know how long things have been going on between them, but it has to have been more than 6 weeks. The guy she is now with is very laid-back and has the kind of intense eyes that you notice all the women around him falling for. Perhaps my W has always harboured a thing for him, and now she can play out that fantasy. Who knows. Right now, it feels very final for us. This is the reason for my question.

[peaceful_spirit]

My H left our M to be with OW. He moved in with her. He came back a month later becuase he missed me and our family. But after a week, it was too hard and he ended up back with OW. He said he'd made up his mind and that he'd never try to come back again.

Well, H did come back... a few months later. HE started seeing a C. In my case, H and I got into a cycle where he had trouble ending contact with OW, I would not tolerate it so I would kick him out, he would go to her, then come back saying he doesn't want her. It was much like breaking an addiction.... knowing you don't want the drug of choice, but when things get tough, finding immediate comfort in the drug.

Anyway, H has now moved back in and we are on more solid ground. As for why he came back, I think it was because he realized that he was tring to fill an void with OW that he had with me. He and I were together since we were 19, so he was chasing his twenties again. OW was fun, and I was stressed and raisign two kids. But, those things are not what make a strong R. The reasons he was with OW were all superficial and represented the things that he really wanted from me.

In my understanding, this tends to be the case much of the time. The OW/OM is not the love of their lives, but rather sparked something within them that they'd been missing with us. What really sucks about affairs is that they really do become an addiction. And while it is not what they want long term, it feels good for now.

I will also say that H noticed changes in me. He saw me getting strong and indipendant. All the DB stuff did work in my case. I worked on me and H noticed.

What you need to remember is that the start of all Rs are exciting and fun. But sustaining an R when things get more boring is where the real strength of the R comes in. Right now, your W is having fun with OM. It's exciting and new. Give it time. It will soon grow old.

[theotherhalf]

So what do we REALLY do in the meantime...How do we show the LBS what they are missing...How do we make it safe or desireable for the WAS to come home...???

[ediemarie]

So what do we REALLY do in the meantime...How do we show the LBS what they are missing...How do we make it safe or desireable for the WAS to come home...???

I cried ALOT in the meantime, and sulked, and hated life. But I also found tons of positive things to focus on. I threw myself into my work, picked up a new hobby, pretended that I wasn't living with a H, but with a roommate and began to rely on myself for all things. You can't focus on showing the LBS what they are missing, you have to accept that they may never see it. They may never want to come back. You make it safe for them to come home by listening without judging, by being willing to be confused by their answers, by being patient as they figure out their lives, by not demanding anything, but being open to a new R - the old one didn't work anyway, right?

I don't have this all figured out and I certainly didn't handle my stituation with all the grace and integrity I could have or should have. I just know that I felt a whole lot better about myself when I finally told my H that he could do whatever he pleased. He could make whatever choices he wanted. That allowed me to live my life how I pleased. It allowed me to be free to not wait for him and to do things that made me happy. It allowed me to be 100% self reliant - something I had always been prior to being married. It allowed me to find me again. And it allowed him to find him again.

[MaxP]

Thanks for the input everyone.

I think one common theme that comes across is how really detatching and moving on with your life is such a crucial thing to do. In finally letting go and freeing yourself from the sitch, you become focused on yourself and not on the WAS. When they see this, they will notice a different person from the one they left. Someone who is emotionally mature, settled, capable and who has a positive attitude to life. That kind of person is difficult to ignore. They are attractive, perhaps not enough to bring the WAS back in all cases. However, even if that does not happen, someone else will have noticed and be attracted to you and that offers exciting possibilities.

In fact, by that stage you may have reached the conclusion that the WAS can get stuffed!

As I have said elsewhere, many people don't get a shake up which makes them really examine their life and question what they want - a managed MLC if you like. Although this process is ugly and difficult, particularly if children are involved, it does present tremendous opportunities for personal growth and fulfilment. That has to be a good thing, don't you think?

Max

[Jack_Three_Beans]

it does present tremendous opportunities for personal growth and fulfilment. That has to be a good thing, don't you think?

Read my tag line. : )

[MaxP]

Hey Jack - great tag line, love the attitude!

Max