Pregnant and abandoned #3

[NikB]

Whew blindsided - glad that didn't upset you too much.

I'm actually VERY glad to see you acknowledging some of the fault/blame/whatever you want to call it, and seeing that there were problems in the M before. I hadn't seen that from you - all I really saw was "it's all the OW's fault" or "he left for no good reason" or "this all happened in 3 weeks" - and I knew that wasn't the case.

Recognizing that it wasn't a good M for either of you is really important, I think.

Of course with that comes the feeling of wanting to turn back time, which isn't possible... or scramble to fix it all with an apology now, which won't work.

He kind of tuned himself out during the whole fertility thing.

This is likely when he began "walking away" emotionally and in his mind.

I just needed him to help me. He wouldn't take any of the responsibility off of me. I handled all the money and bills, he didn't even want to help with that. He wouldn't pick up after himself.

Was this the whole time or did it start when he started "tuning out"? I am just guessing here - but he had probably started tuning out on the M already - and then the "neediness" just made him feel even more pressure.

I ask because my H slowly dropped all his responsibilities the closer he got to actually dropping the bomb on me. I didn't see it at the time, just knew I was having to do more and more of the chores - which pissed me off - which further contributed to the overall decline of our M. I see it now clearly in hindsight... frustrating that it's so hard to see at the time.

Not something to dwell on either, but just something to think about.

My hurt comes from the fact that I know these things are not impossible to fix and I was willing to try. He wasn't even willing to try.

I'm going to take a guess here and say that he DID try or WAS trying, just not in a way that you saw/see it. It isn't easy to walk out on someone - that took a lot of thought and heartache on his part, I guarantee it.

In one of our arguments after H came back but started getting distant again he told me "I have BEEN trying" and I said very matter of factly "How? What are you doing towards trying to make this work? I don't see it." He replied "I'm here, aren't I?" That was all he'd say... but it told me that he was processing stuff internally and trying in his own way. Your H probably was, too. For example:

And, he use to say, "why do you stress so much, just don't do it".

... this may have been his way of telling you that he needed you to calm down, take better care of yourself, MAKE him step up and take more responsibility (i.e. you didn't HAVE to pick up after him). Who knows, it's all a guessing game now, but I'm just pointing out that he likely DID try in his own way.

He wasn't the husband that I had envisioned and I let him know that. But, he wasn't horrible either. I love him and I was willing to deal with the shortcomings.

Ouch.

Can you see where this would make a person feel not very loved at all?? "Hey you're not the H I envisioned and you have a lot of shortcomings but it's ok, I'll deal with it and put up with you."

I'm sorry... but, I wouldn't want to stay in that M, either. Why would you want to be in a marriage where your spouse "tolerates" you?

Heck, I kind of doubt this but it's even possible that he left BECAUSE he cares about you. He knew he couldn't be who/what you wanted so he did the "right" thing and left so that you could move on.

Not worth spending a ton of time obsessing about, but just saying there are a lot of ways to look at these things.

Part of me want to apologize to him for not respecting his judgment and trying to tell him how to do things.

I know you want to but now's not the time. You can work on showing him changes in those areas though, even with what little contact you do have. Give him the benefit of the doubt, respect his right to his emotions, don't "fix" or do things for him.

But, I am not going to put all that blame soley on myself. What good is going to do to walk around with that guilt.

I think there's a big difference between acknowledging your role and blaming yourself entirely. And definitely not worth constantly feeling guilty over. What's healthier I think is to acknowledge your role, think about ways to change your behavior to make yourself a better person overall (and better partner to someone some day - be it your H or someone else). That way you're using your past to improve for the future - rather than wallowing in feeling guilty about it. Does that make sense??

Should I apologize? If so, is it too soon. I need to do this for me and for him so he knows that I recognize my part in this. But, I don't want him to have more ammunition to use so he can blame his decision to leave on me. Everytime I say I'm sorry for something, I feel like it re-enforces the idea that it was my fault he left. Help

Yep! You are right on here. It's way too soon and will just give him more reinforcement as to why he left.

Far better is to work on yourself, for yourself.. and let him see those changes over time. I know you have really limited contact but you do have some, and most likely always will at least as coparents.

If some day he wants to work on things AND he has become a person you want to work on building a marriage with - it will be a new relationship. I suggest you not even focus on all the crap in the past that got you there. Work on building a marriage that is much better and healthier - but stop figuring out who's to blame for what. You can show you've changed through action without even needing that discussion.

If at some point you do want to apologize for your side of things it might be good, but I'd save that for a LONG time from now if ever. It's one of those things you do once, and then focus on the future after that.