karen et al., I copied this post from member Julie a few years ago. It's full of good analysis and information. This looks like a good place to insert it into the convo: (Julie was LD-er than her H)
QUOTE:
Julie's thread
One of my first ‘experiments’ was to analyze my own sex drive. I did this by following my own thought processes leading up to a moment when I felt like initiating sex with H. (I must thank Corri for first making this suggestion to me). It wasn’t easy being brutally honest with myself, but I knew I had to do it. I found that I would initiate sex for various reasons: 1. I was horny. 2. I was feeling good about myself/us and wanted to share that with him and make a connection. 3. I was feeling shaky about us and wanted to restore the connection, and feel better by having him ML to me. 4. I was feeling needy and I wanted to see if I could get him interested, for the challenge of it, and for an ego boost. 5. I was feeling like I needed to measure up. The whole world is having sex, I need to do it too.
Doing this exercise helped me in many ways. First off, I could see that one of the reasons H initiated sex a lot less than me was because, in his book, reason 1 is the only good reason to initiate sex. I also found that I am actually physically horny about once a month (a lot LESS than him). Reason 2 is a good enough reason to initiate sex, but there are better ways (from his viewpoint) of making the connection. Reasons 3-5 are crappy reasons to initiate sex. Once I sorted through the physical and emotional aspects of my sex drive, I was able to tone down my anxiety, self-soothe better and communicate better. As a result of this, my sex drive seems to actually be lower because I no longer initiate under situations 3-5. I now work through those feelings in other ways. I think that #3 can justifiably be a good reason, but I have decided that it is not the case in our situation, that I need to self-soothe through those feelings and restore the connection in other ways before I look for the sexual connection.
Okay, now I’m starting to repeat myself, so I’ll move on.
One thing that always confused me was the fact that when asked, H would say that he would like to have sex once or twice a week, but he could and would go for months without. When I pressed him further (there are details in my very first thread, I think), he would say that he didn’t enjoy the emotional shenanigans associated with sex. H is a very giving person by nature, and has always been a skilled and considerate lover. He didn’t know how to selfishly take or ask for what he wanted. For the longest time, I just didn’t get this.
When it finally hit me, I decided to try an experiment where I tried to experience sex as a purely physical experience myself. It turned out that I enjoy it too – but not if it is the only kind of sex we are having. The obvious solution is to mix it up and that is what we do now. We have some quickies, we have some emotionally connected sessions and we have some raunchy ones. It depends on both our moods, and he is very considerate of my feelings on this. It seems rather obvious now, but H and I were both sexually immature and inexperienced, so it took a lot of work for us to get to this point. If I am actually horny, I make it a point to let him know because he waits rather eagerly for that “Allrighty, lets go, baby”.
What else? Another major issue for me was self-esteem. I am a successful professional, and have always been a bit of an over-achiever. But when it came to my appearance, I’ve never been too confident. I was a chubby kid growing up. Not fat, and certainly not obese, but never slender. Call it unfair social expectations, or what have you, but I grew up feeling slightly invisible physically. When I met H and fell head over heels in love with him, and realized that he worshipped my body, it was a sort of relief. Who cared if the world didn’t think I was beautiful? He certainly does. So when the sex started becoming scarce and he started to reject me, there was a little girl inside who was crushed.
I’ve had to let her grow up, and hold myself accountable for how I look and feel. I still have some weight to lose, but I don’t let that affect my sexual confidence or how I feel about myself.
There are other things that were at play, relationship-wise, and I had to work on those aspects as well. However, I think working on my sexuality has been very helpful. H has remarked more than once that ‘that book’ (I don’t he realizes that I’ve read more than one!) has helped me discover my own sexuality.
