CVA - Have I Done Everything...No!

[Nomopo]

Hi Cliff,

Great advice from GD. I did stuff like that this past mother's day. Remember the photos of me and the kids dressed up like clowns with the signs that said "we're not clowning around, mom, we love you!!" She was touched by the effort. There are lots of resources on the web and in books (search Amazon) about ways to show love - neat little ideas and gifts. I think one is called, 365 ways to make your Wife/Son/Daughter, etc. feel loved. Things like washing her car and filling it with gas. Buying her a t-shirt from her alma mater, cleaning the jacuzzi bathtub, etc., etc., etc. Lots of great ideas out there. What's her favorite candy? Does she like cookies or cupcakes, etc. Anyway, that's general stuff and I'm not at all suggesting you should pour on a full court press of showing love. You still need some time and space, decompression I think.

I have read 5LL and I think her LL are quality time and gifts. OK, so quality time, tough to do.

Yeah, but think of it as trying to make the times when you do interact (even if kids are around) as pleasant and positive (without pursuing though) as possible. You can still have interactions with her that leave her feeling good, or at least not bad. That's a good goal. You need to fill up her memory bank with positive interactions, not stressful, combative, angry, negative ones.

Gifts, looks like I'm trying to buy her off and once she started buying everything she wanted anyway, that is where I really started struggling with her and thus our problems escalated.

I agree you can't really run off and start buying her gifts (though Christmas is coming up and and a good gift could help your cause - a thoughtful, meaningful one, maybe personal about how you hear her and acknowledge her needs or your efforts to change). But this analysis is not so much for now, and what you can or can't do to save your M. This is analysis of what went wrong, and what you'll do down the road with W (if you get the chance) or your next partner.

Also note that her buying herself gifts is completely unrelated to your filling her PLL. So she goes off and buys things, and spends money. You deal with that. But you do not stop making her feel loved by stopping giving her gifts if that is what is needed to make her feel loved. Does that make sense?

I had no way of showing her I loved her in her language cuz she would never aknowledge the effort,

Not true. She doesn't have to acknowledge it. It would be better for everyone if she did, but it is not a prerequisite. Acknowledgement is about your needs. This is about her need for love. That's a key distinction. Get it?

she would usually just return whatever I bought (even though I do have good taste!) and it would tick me off so....I find myself completely stumped on this right now.

Again, you are focusing on what CVA can get out of this process. I want thanks. I want praise. I want her to like what I buy. I want her to notice my good taste.

Be completely selfless. Check your needs at the door. This is all about making her feel loved. Period.

I could get her something that would be relevent to her family when she goes to Dallas right after Xmas. A paid for dinner for all of them one night while she is there? I dont know, just an idea.

I like the idea of someting relavant to her family when she goes to Dallas. Maybe dinner. Maybe tickets to a show. Something. Keep noodling.

Another complaint of course is that I dont care about her family, so, killing two birds with one stone?

Yep!!!

W. "where do you think he gets that from" as she looks at me???????? Well Efff,

Well, you don't like her dad, and you said he is boring and talks about something (cars?) all day. Is it possible your S ever overheard that kind of attitude towards her dad (or family) from you? Maybe he did get it from you. Possible?

She says, "well, he should be grateful for having a papaw at all let alone one that wants to do stuff with him". I agree with that

Me too!!

and say I will go talk to him,which I do and everything is fine afterward. Proud of myself for remaining calm in this one as she was definitely attacking which is kinda new.

Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nomo