Pregnant and abandoned #3

[blindsided1]

NikB, I needed that 2X4. My H had the same dream of a family. I have notes from him from September talking about how he couldn't wait to start our family. I guess that is why I don't understand how he just switched. But, I also have notes from him saying that he was sorry for being such an A$$hole and he would work on being a better husband. Now, I see that he felt inadequate as my H. It hurts me that I didn't see these things. I don't want to start putting all the blame on me. He did a lot to hurt our relationship and he wasn't always there for me, when I needed him. He kind of tuned himself out during the whole fertility thing. He would go to the appointments, but he wasn't as supportive as I had hoped. I never meant to make him feel insignificant. I just needed him to help me. He wouldn't take any of the responsibility off of me. I handled all the money and bills, he didn't even want to help with that. He wouldn't pick up after himself. He had a really hard time holding down a job the first year of our marriage. He actually had about 6 jobs that year, 6!. It was really hard for me to carry all the stress. And, he use to say, "why do you stress so much, just don't do it". It would make me mad because he could do that, because he didn't have any responsibilities. The sex became weird, I started to feel like that was all I was good for and I let him know that. So, I guess what I'm saying is WE BOTH had a hand in this. My hurt comes from the fact that I know these things are not impossible to fix and I was willing to try. He wasn't even willing to try. He just found the first person he knew would take him in, and he left. And, he left just as we had started our family. He wasn't the husband that I had envisioned and I let him know that. But, he wasn't horrible either. I love him and I was willing to deal with the shortcomings.

Part of me want to apologize to him for not respecting his judgment and trying to tell him how to do things. I am guilty of that, for sure. I was even mean enough to blame the reason we weren't getting pregnant on the fact that he had a low sperm count and I would talk about it openly with people with him in the room. What a Bitch I was to do that. But, it didn't seem to bother him and now I see that it probably REALLY bothered him. But, I am not going to put all that blame soley on myself. What good is going to do to walk around with that guilt. Should I apologize? If so, is it too soon. I need to do this for me and for him so he knows that I recognize my part in this. But, I don't want him to have more ammunition to use so he can blame his decision to leave on me. Everytime I say I'm sorry for something, I feel like it re-enforces the idea that it was my fault he left. Help