H never came back from Iraq

[klm]

I know all about those texting bills. Last month H had a $500 phone bill!! Texting and overages. The bill was taken out of my account for some reason...I can't describe to you how mad I was. I called the phone company and the bank and got the money back though. We split up the family plan in August I guess because he didn't want me to see all the texting/talking....after that bill I am glad we did.

I am not sure what happened either, even in hindsight. Just keep doing the things you are doing for you. If you have expectations for him..then it can always get worse. Expect nothing from him. I am glad you talked to him about your Christmas stuff and I hope you got it. Relax and decorate and enjoy your break from school.

With me and H it went from bad to worse to rock bottom and then to me accepting it and trying to move on. That is when he called. When I decided to move on. It's almost like he sensed that I was finally doing ok.

I know what you mean about him "competing with you in life". It always seemed like if things were going well for me H was jealous. I think that is a strange emotion for someone you love. I only wanted the best for him and would never be "jealous" of his accomplishments. You sound like you are doing good in knowing what you want and going for it. You will be ok no matter what the outcome. Hang in there.

[MichelleLT]

It's strange, I feel like I've got me taken care of, but I don't know how to move on, nor do I want to. I mean we got MARRIED. I don't know how to talk away from that. We said forever. And we both said we didn't believe in divorce and that there would always be a way to work things out. I've never broken a promise before. How can I walk away now?

Hell, we both still say that we don't believe in divorce. He told me less than a month ago that he "doesn't believe in divorce either, but it's [his] only chance for happiness." I just don't see how he can say that one minute and get pissed at me for not signing the summary dissolution the next minute. It doesn't work. Doesn't he see how contradictory that is?

[FLTC]

Michelle,

I have seen the theme that klm mentioned over and over on this board. I've been here for over a year, and usually most of the "success stories" occur when the LBS really declares they have moved on. Not a declaratory statement, but by their actions. You are still in the "deer in the headlights" phase, and we've all been there. It seems surrealistic. It is one of the cruelest emotional things one human being can do to another, but yet, here we are, promises aside.

The whole process of "detaching" is what it's about, and that takes 1. time 2. the proper mental outlook that you'll be OK no matter what, and you will....I've read your posts. You have your shi* in one sneaker.

By detaching, you will give that "I've moved on" impression, and if it doesn't work out, you'll be in a much better emotional place to move on. Hang in there. ARMY STRONG!

[klm]

Michelle,
Just because you detach doesn't mean you are walking away. No one says to walk away. But, you can't make him or pressure him to want this, it has to be his decision. You also have to think about how long you are willing to wait.

If you don't want to sign the paper then don't sign it. It is amazing to me how easy it is to get a D. If you don't want it then don't make it easier for him.

Right now, he is on his own and everything is new and fun to him. I am betting that reality will set in soon.

[FLTC]

Defintely agree with klm. Detaching does NOT mean giving up. It means protecting yourself.

[MichelleLT]

Well, if all goes as H has planned, he leaves today for Europe to spend the next 3 weeks with OW. He almost didn't go because he has no way to pay for it, but ended up putting it all on credit to make this grand gesture to her. From what my SIL said, he has everything bought and renewed his passport.

This will be, by far, the most time they have ever spent together. As much as it hurts me that he's spending all this money on her, I just keep telling myself he's desperate to make it work. I think he's trying to prove to himself that if he just finds the right person he can live happily ever after. Of course, people aren't perfect and all those things OW does that he was complaining about that night he was drinking will be even more annoying when he's stuck with her for a few weeks.

I secretly hope of course (or not so secretly) that reality smacks him upside the head and it's a complete disaster. My fantasy is that he finds out OW has a BF in Manchester. In reality, I know its far more likely that they will stay "together" because they are both desperately afraid to be alone.

One positive to the whole situation is that the tension has already eased with my in-laws since there are no worries that if I'm down at their house H might randomly show up. My SIL and MIL both called me this weekend to talk about getting together. My SIL's birthday is the 20th and they're gonna do a big dinner for her the 23rd. My in-laws also invited me over for Christmas Eve. I think my MIL is extremely hurt that H is not spending the holidays with them since last Christmas was our first one together as a family in a couple years because of his deployment.

If nothing else, I expect reality will set in around tax time. H hasn't done his own taxes in 6 years. I started doing them after we'd been dating for a year because he's absolutely horrible at it. I bet he'll miss me then! Ironically his biological father is a CPA. H obviously didn't take after him in that (although he's shaping up to take after him relationship-wise since he's divorced 3/4 times and cheated on my MIL a bunch of times and even got his secretary pregnant).

Otherwise, just working a bunch. Retail around the holidays is madness and I'm working a lot of long days right now. But it keeps me busy and I like my job so I can put up with a few obnoxious customers.

[FLTC]

Michelle,

How will your H's trip effect you finacially. I hope it's his card, and not a joint one.

[klm]

First, let me say that you are handling this amazingly well. I have the same question as FLTC about the finances. I hope this credit card is in his name only.

Your H will soon realize that other people can't make him happy. You can't, OW can't...only HE can. He may think she is making him happy...but that is only the high of it being new. Hopefully reality will hit him on this "vacation". Are you going to spend Christmas Eve with your in-laws? It sounds like you all have a good relationship. That's good.

Glad you are staying busy with work. Like I said, it sounds like you are doing great.

[MichelleLT]

The card is one he's had since before we married. I don't think he ever added my name to the account as I don't have a card and it has never shown up on my credit history.

I took his name off all my stuff already. Since he took my name off what was our joint account, hopefully that means everything is separate.

I'm going to do my free credit report thing after the new year, so hopefully everything is good.

[MichelleLT]

Well, H posted a MySpace blog today about his trip thus far. It's brief and doesn't include nearly everything I'm sure. H sounds like he's having fun though. OW actually got him on a horse trying to learn polo. I've only been trying to get him out riding with me for 7 years! Grrrrrrrrr.

He also bought venison and a bunch of other stuff for their Christmas dinner. I assume he's cooking since she can't really, especially something so involved as it sounded.

H doesn't even mention her name in the blog. Just says "a friend" picked him up etc. I guess they didn't tell her family what's going on yet. Her sister and dad know H is married so I think they'd flip if they knew what was going on. On the plus side, all the lying should add a nice amount of pressure to their "relationship" I suppose.

I called in sick to work today. Although I've been fighting with an ear infection, it was mostly the fact that I couldn't sleep last night. I don't think I got more than a couple hours because I was tossing and turning thinking about the holidays. Plus the fact that I almost broke down crying at work last night when "All I want for Christmas is you" came on. Somehow I don't think I'm getting anything I want for Christmas. It really sucks being lonely for the holidays. Even when H was physically gone for Christmas in Baghdad I got presents and a card and a phone call. I knew H was thinking about me, so it wasn't like this. I'll spend time with my family and my in-laws, but I'm still lonely.