H said our M is "platonic"

[Dom R]

Boundaries are threats, if they are stated to the other person.
They are making a statement, either directly or implied, of "do/stop doing this, or I will/wont do that".

that is by definition a threat, or an ultimatum, etc, etc.

The thing about a proper boundary for yourself... is that you have every right to state it. Because you have a right to protect yourself from bad behaviour from the other person.

ie: "stop hitting me, or I will leave you".
That's a boundary. That's also a threat/ultimatum. and someone has every right to state it, and follow through with it.

[eh.. technically, the official "enforcing boundaries" way to state it would be, "I will not allow you to hit me any more. I will not stay with you if you do not stop hitting me". It may be more easily accepted by the other person if you state it that way. From a "threat/no threat" evaluation, it still amounts to the same thing though.]



To my interpretation, a proper boundary, is about "stop hurting/neglecting me any more". Not giving your spouse regular sexual intimacy, is neglect.

In contrast, something that is NOT a boundary, would be, "Let me keep doing xxx, or I'll leave you".

That's not protecting yourself. That's just threatening/manipulating the other person to get or keep something for yourself.