Pregnant and abandoned #3

[blindsided1]

I just thing that I am clinging to the last piece of thread that we have. Trying desperately not to let it all go away. I'm not ready to let him go. I'm not ready to accept that he has truly left me. My girlfriend asked me this morning if I wanted the man he was right now. I don't. But, I worry that this is how he will stay and the man I married will never resurface. He'll get comfortable where he is. In the life he's in and there will be no reason for him to change that. I worry that this will make him a different person, for the worse.

[phbear316]

blindsided

Letting go does not mean you don't care honey. Listen, really listen to what you said about your girlfriend question. Do you really want this version of you H. NO, I don't want the current version of my H either.

Letting go means you still care, but you are stepping back due to the pain. I had to do this a week ago. My h went to a childhood friends wedding who i know keep in mind and even sent her a bridal shower gift, with the ow and stayed overnight. I fell apart last week, it was more than I could handle.

I want peace right now, its the hardest thing but I don't what the person who my h has become, I want a new beginning, for i am becoming a stronger person, do i feel that way every day, No. Some good days some bad. I now need to control this situation. I need to be the hero in this situation.

Be strong

phbear

[NikB]

Blindsided... I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I know this is hard.

Long post warning.. I know people have told you all this over and over but I hope it will eventually begin to sink in. This is going to be painful to hear (all of this is painful, I know!) but please know I am saying all of this to try to help you and because I care. Some 2x4s on the way because that's what it took to help me really get clearer in my sitch... if you don't want to read them please skip the rest of this post.

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Responding to some of your recent posts..

I know, I know, laying on the guilt a little thick. But, I couldn't help myself. He should feel guilty for not being here for me.

You could help yourself and chose not to - and pushed him further away, reinforced reasons not to be with you.

What gives you the right to dictate how he should feel???

I know that everyone says that it has nothing to do with her. But, if she weren't in the picture, I know he would be home and we could have fixed what was broken.

Very unlikely... I'd stop thinking you "know" this to be true, because it likely isn't.

I feel like I lost my chance at having the family I dreamed of. He didn't even give us a chance to have that.

YOU lost YOUR chance at YOUR dream.. where is your H in all of this?? He was just the tool to make YOUR dreams come true?? Sure sounds like it. Can you imagine why this made him feel pretty insignificant and he felt his needs were unimportant to you?

Ann25 - you were so right on with this, I wanted to repost it:

(from Ann25) 1) if it weren't her, it very easily could have been someone else. I highly doubt that he was walking down the street minding his own business when this random woman of his dreams walked up and begged him to be with her.

2) He told you he had been unhappy for a while. He never told you, he just left you. I'm not sure what makes you think that had it not been for her, he would have told you and would have been willing to stay and work on it. Everything in his behavior says the opposite of that.

3)This time apart, will help you to both grow as people (you first, him eventually,hopefully). If you both grow individually and then do reconcile, your M can be that much stronger. when you've made it through something this difficult, it makes most other stuff seem pretty unimportant.

Regarding #1... or, he would have just left WITHOUT there being anyone else. Because as you said in #2.. he WAS NOT HAPPY.

Yes, he should've told you.. given you a chance at that time.. but he didn't. Or maybe he did. Thinking back, did he try to "tell" you and you just didn't hear him because you were so focused on the fertility treatments/pregnancy?? I know in my own sitch, I look back and realize "OMG he TRIED to tell me, show me, etc. and I just never saw it at the time."

I sure hope you're right on #3 - it only does this if you work at that growth. I've seen people choose to stay sad and miserable and it's not pretty - but reinforces that it's a choice.

The "right" thing to do was to NOT bring OW into our lives.

As long as you are so stuck on who is right and who is wrong, you're going to have a VERY hard time dealing with any of this. Your H has the right to his own emotions just as you have the right to yours. He was unhappy - that doesn't make him wrong, "crazy," etc.

Don't you deserve to be happy? Doesn't your H?

This may help you develop some empathy.. try to think about it as if he was a friend or co-worker talking to you. You have this man telling you how he's unhappy, his W has become obsessed with having a baby and neglects him completely - and if it's this bad now, it's probably only going to get worse when the baby arrives! (remember, thinking of it from his self-centered perspective only). He feels trapped, unhappy, doesn't see how his W will ever pay attention to him again.

Would you say he's crazy or wrong to feel this way? Can you see why he might want to try something else - ANYTHING else - to get out of the unhappy situation??

I am NOT saying what he did was a good way to handle it.. please don't get me wrong.. but he has emotions connected to all of this, too, and he has a right to those. Did he handle it in a way that was helpful to you or your M? No.. and that part really sucks, but you can't change that part of it.

He can't really be on his own. He wouldn't be able to afford it and he can't handle money whatsoever.

Do you think maybe he senses this lack of respect from you? (or he did in the past?). Protect yourself financially of course, but if you can change the "tone" on money issues that may help a lot. Which leads me to...

He is a little boy. I think he prides himself on that, which is sad. He doesn't really man up to anything.

Oh yuck. If you have this little respect for him why on EARTH do you want him back???

I can guarantee you he feels this total lack of respect and it probably has a lot to do with his unhappiness. If you really don't respect him then why do you want him?? If you do respect him (or did at one time), you need to show that more. He is never going to want to be / stay with someone who can't or won't respect him. I realize his actions RIGHT NOW are not very respectable.. I'm talking about your attitude towards him in the past, and how he may have perceived things.

I highly recommend this book to better understand what goes through his mind: "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men"

It's written by a woman who interviewed hundreds of men to get perspective for a male character in a book she was writing - and in doing so she realized how much women DON'T know about what many men think. You can get it in book stores or from Amazon. Talk about an eye opener. It's a pretty quick and easy read but I got SO much from that book. Here's some info from one of the reviews about some of the topics the book goes over:

- "a man's need to have his judgment respected"
- "don't tell him how"
- "the most fragile thing on the planet"
- "I have no earthy idea how to do this"
- "the imposter at work"
- "affirmation is everything"
- "create a safety zone"
- "haunted by romantic failures"
- "it's difficult to change gears"
- "playing together is very romantic"
- "when you take care of yourself, I feel loved"

I feel not horrible right now. I felt pretty strong earlier and felt like I could handle this. I don't need him to make me happy.

Good!! Give yourself credit for this, don't make it about the text from H.

I get really depressed because I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And you won't, until you start doing things to MAKE that light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel like I have lost him.

Good.. if this is what it takes, use this to detach.

The only communication was yesterdays short text and a promise to call me which didn't happen.

Any chance this was due to the guilt trip? Frankly, I wouldn't have wanted to call either.

I keep thinking he is going to come to his senses and come home.

Another example... "come to his senses" is very dismissive of his feelings.

I KNOW how hard, but really try to develop some empathy for him or you'll have a very hard time moving forward. You need to let go of the notion that you're right, he's wrong, and you have the right to dictate how he feels or should feel.

(from Startingover2) Maybe his is thinking of you, but knows that contact just makes you upset and he doesn't want to face it.

Good point... another way to look at it. Maybe he's not calling to SPARE you from the pain that it clearly causes you.

It hurts because I feel him pulling away.

He needs to detach and find a way to stand on his own - the same way you do. I'm just starting to "get" this myself but it really is important EITHER way that you are both whole individuals on your own. Even if you reconcile.

I worry that this will make him a different person, for the worse.

This is out of your control, and not your responsibility.

[NikB]

Oh.. and before I forget..

(((blindsided)))

I know how hard this is.

[Startingover2]

I agree with NikB's post. We all sway back and forth with what should be and how it should be until we get to what is. I do it daily.

I was just on the phone venting to a gf about my sich. I was telling her I get the "how are you doing?" texts every day and now they are getting annoying because nothing is changing...you know what she told me? THIS IS ALL THAT H IS CAPEABLE OF. NOTHING MORE. ACCEPT IT FOR WHAT IT IS AND HEAL YOURSELF. She said that my sitting here waiting for him to change is like waiting for hell to freeze over. I have to make the changes. Figure out how we are going to coparent this baby. Nothing more.

Blindsided.....now is the time to start putting your ducks in a row regarding this baby. How you will live financially, emotionally, daycare, etc. Assume that H is not coming back and go accordingly. I am now 6 1/2 months and things are getting harder to do physically. Start preparing now as if he won't be there. It does help with your mind. My daughter and I put the entire nursery together without H's help. What a great feeling!

You can do this.

[blindsided1]

NikB, I needed that 2X4. My H had the same dream of a family. I have notes from him from September talking about how he couldn't wait to start our family. I guess that is why I don't understand how he just switched. But, I also have notes from him saying that he was sorry for being such an A$$hole and he would work on being a better husband. Now, I see that he felt inadequate as my H. It hurts me that I didn't see these things. I don't want to start putting all the blame on me. He did a lot to hurt our relationship and he wasn't always there for me, when I needed him. He kind of tuned himself out during the whole fertility thing. He would go to the appointments, but he wasn't as supportive as I had hoped. I never meant to make him feel insignificant. I just needed him to help me. He wouldn't take any of the responsibility off of me. I handled all the money and bills, he didn't even want to help with that. He wouldn't pick up after himself. He had a really hard time holding down a job the first year of our marriage. He actually had about 6 jobs that year, 6!. It was really hard for me to carry all the stress. And, he use to say, "why do you stress so much, just don't do it". It would make me mad because he could do that, because he didn't have any responsibilities. The sex became weird, I started to feel like that was all I was good for and I let him know that. So, I guess what I'm saying is WE BOTH had a hand in this. My hurt comes from the fact that I know these things are not impossible to fix and I was willing to try. He wasn't even willing to try. He just found the first person he knew would take him in, and he left. And, he left just as we had started our family. He wasn't the husband that I had envisioned and I let him know that. But, he wasn't horrible either. I love him and I was willing to deal with the shortcomings.

Part of me want to apologize to him for not respecting his judgment and trying to tell him how to do things. I am guilty of that, for sure. I was even mean enough to blame the reason we weren't getting pregnant on the fact that he had a low sperm count and I would talk about it openly with people with him in the room. What a Bitch I was to do that. But, it didn't seem to bother him and now I see that it probably REALLY bothered him. But, I am not going to put all that blame soley on myself. What good is going to do to walk around with that guilt. Should I apologize? If so, is it too soon. I need to do this for me and for him so he knows that I recognize my part in this. But, I don't want him to have more ammunition to use so he can blame his decision to leave on me. Everytime I say I'm sorry for something, I feel like it re-enforces the idea that it was my fault he left. Help

[NikB]

Whew blindsided - glad that didn't upset you too much.

I'm actually VERY glad to see you acknowledging some of the fault/blame/whatever you want to call it, and seeing that there were problems in the M before. I hadn't seen that from you - all I really saw was "it's all the OW's fault" or "he left for no good reason" or "this all happened in 3 weeks" - and I knew that wasn't the case.

Recognizing that it wasn't a good M for either of you is really important, I think.

Of course with that comes the feeling of wanting to turn back time, which isn't possible... or scramble to fix it all with an apology now, which won't work.

He kind of tuned himself out during the whole fertility thing.

This is likely when he began "walking away" emotionally and in his mind.

I just needed him to help me. He wouldn't take any of the responsibility off of me. I handled all the money and bills, he didn't even want to help with that. He wouldn't pick up after himself.

Was this the whole time or did it start when he started "tuning out"? I am just guessing here - but he had probably started tuning out on the M already - and then the "neediness" just made him feel even more pressure.

I ask because my H slowly dropped all his responsibilities the closer he got to actually dropping the bomb on me. I didn't see it at the time, just knew I was having to do more and more of the chores - which pissed me off - which further contributed to the overall decline of our M. I see it now clearly in hindsight... frustrating that it's so hard to see at the time.

Not something to dwell on either, but just something to think about.

My hurt comes from the fact that I know these things are not impossible to fix and I was willing to try. He wasn't even willing to try.

I'm going to take a guess here and say that he DID try or WAS trying, just not in a way that you saw/see it. It isn't easy to walk out on someone - that took a lot of thought and heartache on his part, I guarantee it.

In one of our arguments after H came back but started getting distant again he told me "I have BEEN trying" and I said very matter of factly "How? What are you doing towards trying to make this work? I don't see it." He replied "I'm here, aren't I?" That was all he'd say... but it told me that he was processing stuff internally and trying in his own way. Your H probably was, too. For example:

And, he use to say, "why do you stress so much, just don't do it".

... this may have been his way of telling you that he needed you to calm down, take better care of yourself, MAKE him step up and take more responsibility (i.e. you didn't HAVE to pick up after him). Who knows, it's all a guessing game now, but I'm just pointing out that he likely DID try in his own way.

He wasn't the husband that I had envisioned and I let him know that. But, he wasn't horrible either. I love him and I was willing to deal with the shortcomings.

Ouch.

Can you see where this would make a person feel not very loved at all?? "Hey you're not the H I envisioned and you have a lot of shortcomings but it's ok, I'll deal with it and put up with you."

I'm sorry... but, I wouldn't want to stay in that M, either. Why would you want to be in a marriage where your spouse "tolerates" you?

Heck, I kind of doubt this but it's even possible that he left BECAUSE he cares about you. He knew he couldn't be who/what you wanted so he did the "right" thing and left so that you could move on.

Not worth spending a ton of time obsessing about, but just saying there are a lot of ways to look at these things.

Part of me want to apologize to him for not respecting his judgment and trying to tell him how to do things.

I know you want to but now's not the time. You can work on showing him changes in those areas though, even with what little contact you do have. Give him the benefit of the doubt, respect his right to his emotions, don't "fix" or do things for him.

But, I am not going to put all that blame soley on myself. What good is going to do to walk around with that guilt.

I think there's a big difference between acknowledging your role and blaming yourself entirely. And definitely not worth constantly feeling guilty over. What's healthier I think is to acknowledge your role, think about ways to change your behavior to make yourself a better person overall (and better partner to someone some day - be it your H or someone else). That way you're using your past to improve for the future - rather than wallowing in feeling guilty about it. Does that make sense??

Should I apologize? If so, is it too soon. I need to do this for me and for him so he knows that I recognize my part in this. But, I don't want him to have more ammunition to use so he can blame his decision to leave on me. Everytime I say I'm sorry for something, I feel like it re-enforces the idea that it was my fault he left. Help

Yep! You are right on here. It's way too soon and will just give him more reinforcement as to why he left.

Far better is to work on yourself, for yourself.. and let him see those changes over time. I know you have really limited contact but you do have some, and most likely always will at least as coparents.

If some day he wants to work on things AND he has become a person you want to work on building a marriage with - it will be a new relationship. I suggest you not even focus on all the crap in the past that got you there. Work on building a marriage that is much better and healthier - but stop figuring out who's to blame for what. You can show you've changed through action without even needing that discussion.

If at some point you do want to apologize for your side of things it might be good, but I'd save that for a LONG time from now if ever. It's one of those things you do once, and then focus on the future after that.

[blindsided1]

Damn it. I need to vent a minute. So H called me at work. Wanted to say he was sorry for not calling last night. He got home later than he thought he would. He proceeded to tell me how "They" went to a baby shower this weekend and then to Knott's Berry Farm and Disneyland and that is why he was so busy. I felt like he stuck a dagger in my heart and turned it. Why does he feel the need to tell me how happy "they" are together? I just don't get it. I told him that I felt like he was trying to hurt me and he said that he wasn't. That he was just telling me why he had been too busy to call. WTF? Why, when he left me, does he think that's necessary? I told him that I wanted him to be happy. But, that he was hurting me when he talked about his new life (I know, STUPID OF ME). Then it got to talk about the R - Damn IT. He just kept saying that he knows he hurt me, he knows I'm sad, I sound like a broken record (duh). But, that it is done. And, there is nothing he can do about it. He kept saying, "what do you want me to say?" Then we giggled about something, he asked me if I was going out with someone tonight and that was our conversation. I am so upside down. I need anyone's take on this. I know I did none of the DB stuff - none of it. Is he trying to hurt me on purpose? NikB or whoever, feedback please, kick me in the a$$ if you need to.

[Startingover2]

Well, this may be wrong but I think you need to pull yourself away from the situation. Telling you about his activities with OW and her kids is just downright mean and cruel to me. He could leave out the details and just say he was busy. What is the point of telling you exactly what he was doing? Just to hurt you. Maybe to get you to see he is really serious in his mind about this. I don't know, but to me I wouldn't want to hear it.

At this point what do you really HAVE to talk about? Work out something with finances, let him know when doctor appointments are, and GAL.

That may go against all the DB stuff, but honey you have to draw the line somewhere. Go dark....pitch black. If he truly wanted to work on the marriage he will come around again. Right now you are just a whipping post.

[blindsided1]

No kidding. I really believe he was trying to deliberately hurt me. Originally, when he said that he was busy, he told me that work was just really busy. Then we were talking and I was saying how I had been trying to get my thoughts together and take care of myself and baby despite what was going on. Then he said, "Yea, we've just been really busy, had to go to a babyshower and went to Knotts and Disneyland". My Mom says that she thinks that everytime I start to sound strong to him, he does this where he talks about OW. She thinks he is testing to see if I still care because it makes him feel like he is in control. F him. I'll show HIM who's in control. Who knew he could be such a jerk? Funny how a lot of our mutual friends are now telling me that they never really liked him. They only liked him because he was my husband. That they never really clicked with him. Was I blind?