Pregnant and abandoned #3

[NikB]

Blindsided... I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I know this is hard.

Long post warning.. I know people have told you all this over and over but I hope it will eventually begin to sink in. This is going to be painful to hear (all of this is painful, I know!) but please know I am saying all of this to try to help you and because I care. Some 2x4s on the way because that's what it took to help me really get clearer in my sitch... if you don't want to read them please skip the rest of this post.

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Responding to some of your recent posts..

I know, I know, laying on the guilt a little thick. But, I couldn't help myself. He should feel guilty for not being here for me.

You could help yourself and chose not to - and pushed him further away, reinforced reasons not to be with you.

What gives you the right to dictate how he should feel???

I know that everyone says that it has nothing to do with her. But, if she weren't in the picture, I know he would be home and we could have fixed what was broken.

Very unlikely... I'd stop thinking you "know" this to be true, because it likely isn't.

I feel like I lost my chance at having the family I dreamed of. He didn't even give us a chance to have that.

YOU lost YOUR chance at YOUR dream.. where is your H in all of this?? He was just the tool to make YOUR dreams come true?? Sure sounds like it. Can you imagine why this made him feel pretty insignificant and he felt his needs were unimportant to you?

Ann25 - you were so right on with this, I wanted to repost it:

(from Ann25) 1) if it weren't her, it very easily could have been someone else. I highly doubt that he was walking down the street minding his own business when this random woman of his dreams walked up and begged him to be with her.

2) He told you he had been unhappy for a while. He never told you, he just left you. I'm not sure what makes you think that had it not been for her, he would have told you and would have been willing to stay and work on it. Everything in his behavior says the opposite of that.

3)This time apart, will help you to both grow as people (you first, him eventually,hopefully). If you both grow individually and then do reconcile, your M can be that much stronger. when you've made it through something this difficult, it makes most other stuff seem pretty unimportant.

Regarding #1... or, he would have just left WITHOUT there being anyone else. Because as you said in #2.. he WAS NOT HAPPY.

Yes, he should've told you.. given you a chance at that time.. but he didn't. Or maybe he did. Thinking back, did he try to "tell" you and you just didn't hear him because you were so focused on the fertility treatments/pregnancy?? I know in my own sitch, I look back and realize "OMG he TRIED to tell me, show me, etc. and I just never saw it at the time."

I sure hope you're right on #3 - it only does this if you work at that growth. I've seen people choose to stay sad and miserable and it's not pretty - but reinforces that it's a choice.

The "right" thing to do was to NOT bring OW into our lives.

As long as you are so stuck on who is right and who is wrong, you're going to have a VERY hard time dealing with any of this. Your H has the right to his own emotions just as you have the right to yours. He was unhappy - that doesn't make him wrong, "crazy," etc.

Don't you deserve to be happy? Doesn't your H?

This may help you develop some empathy.. try to think about it as if he was a friend or co-worker talking to you. You have this man telling you how he's unhappy, his W has become obsessed with having a baby and neglects him completely - and if it's this bad now, it's probably only going to get worse when the baby arrives! (remember, thinking of it from his self-centered perspective only). He feels trapped, unhappy, doesn't see how his W will ever pay attention to him again.

Would you say he's crazy or wrong to feel this way? Can you see why he might want to try something else - ANYTHING else - to get out of the unhappy situation??

I am NOT saying what he did was a good way to handle it.. please don't get me wrong.. but he has emotions connected to all of this, too, and he has a right to those. Did he handle it in a way that was helpful to you or your M? No.. and that part really sucks, but you can't change that part of it.

He can't really be on his own. He wouldn't be able to afford it and he can't handle money whatsoever.

Do you think maybe he senses this lack of respect from you? (or he did in the past?). Protect yourself financially of course, but if you can change the "tone" on money issues that may help a lot. Which leads me to...

He is a little boy. I think he prides himself on that, which is sad. He doesn't really man up to anything.

Oh yuck. If you have this little respect for him why on EARTH do you want him back???

I can guarantee you he feels this total lack of respect and it probably has a lot to do with his unhappiness. If you really don't respect him then why do you want him?? If you do respect him (or did at one time), you need to show that more. He is never going to want to be / stay with someone who can't or won't respect him. I realize his actions RIGHT NOW are not very respectable.. I'm talking about your attitude towards him in the past, and how he may have perceived things.

I highly recommend this book to better understand what goes through his mind: "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men"

It's written by a woman who interviewed hundreds of men to get perspective for a male character in a book she was writing - and in doing so she realized how much women DON'T know about what many men think. You can get it in book stores or from Amazon. Talk about an eye opener. It's a pretty quick and easy read but I got SO much from that book. Here's some info from one of the reviews about some of the topics the book goes over:

- "a man's need to have his judgment respected"
- "don't tell him how"
- "the most fragile thing on the planet"
- "I have no earthy idea how to do this"
- "the imposter at work"
- "affirmation is everything"
- "create a safety zone"
- "haunted by romantic failures"
- "it's difficult to change gears"
- "playing together is very romantic"
- "when you take care of yourself, I feel loved"

I feel not horrible right now. I felt pretty strong earlier and felt like I could handle this. I don't need him to make me happy.

Good!! Give yourself credit for this, don't make it about the text from H.

I get really depressed because I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And you won't, until you start doing things to MAKE that light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel like I have lost him.

Good.. if this is what it takes, use this to detach.

The only communication was yesterdays short text and a promise to call me which didn't happen.

Any chance this was due to the guilt trip? Frankly, I wouldn't have wanted to call either.

I keep thinking he is going to come to his senses and come home.

Another example... "come to his senses" is very dismissive of his feelings.

I KNOW how hard, but really try to develop some empathy for him or you'll have a very hard time moving forward. You need to let go of the notion that you're right, he's wrong, and you have the right to dictate how he feels or should feel.

(from Startingover2) Maybe his is thinking of you, but knows that contact just makes you upset and he doesn't want to face it.

Good point... another way to look at it. Maybe he's not calling to SPARE you from the pain that it clearly causes you.

It hurts because I feel him pulling away.

He needs to detach and find a way to stand on his own - the same way you do. I'm just starting to "get" this myself but it really is important EITHER way that you are both whole individuals on your own. Even if you reconcile.

I worry that this will make him a different person, for the worse.

This is out of your control, and not your responsibility.