H said our M is "platonic"

[Lillieperl]

LFL, this is so tough... I really feel for you.

Refresh my memory regarding the circumstances of his moving out. Didn't he rent an apartment without telling you and then just up and move? What did he give as a reason (if any)? Was there some event that triggered his departure?

[Dom R]

So that was the gist. It was very awkward this morning but he just said "I'm really sad about this" and went to work. I feel like a dirtbag right now. I don't want to hurt him. I just don't know what else to do.

Well, how about really putting all your cards on the table, and telling him straight up... "I want good sex from you at least once a week, or i'm leaving you" ?

No counsellors needed. No more arguing whether or not it's important to you.. or whether it "should" be important.
Just clearly state the boundary that you have.
ie, the boundary of, "I wont stay in a marriage that does not meet my normal healthy human needs, of regular good sex for me"


Then it's on him whether or not to do something about it.
If he chooses not to do anything about it.. .then it's his choice, and you dont have to feel bad about it.

Yes you've told him before, that sex is "important to you".
Putting it this way, is different.

[sat567]

how about really putting all your cards on the table, and telling him straight up... "I want good sex from you at least once a week, or i'm leaving you" ?

Mmmm, well I don't know about MrLFL, but it makes me HOT just to read that! I know if I said this to my W, she would be on me like white on rice.
Or maybe she could point a gun at his c@ck and say, "Reach for the sky or I'll pump some lead into you!"
I actually like this post, Dom, but it's more about LFL feeling okay with leaving him, rather than a serious attempt at reconciliation, right? Because you can call it a "boundary", but it's really more of a threat.

Hairdog

[Dom R]

Boundaries are threats, if they are stated to the other person.
They are making a statement, either directly or implied, of "do/stop doing this, or I will/wont do that".

that is by definition a threat, or an ultimatum, etc, etc.

The thing about a proper boundary for yourself... is that you have every right to state it. Because you have a right to protect yourself from bad behaviour from the other person.

ie: "stop hitting me, or I will leave you".
That's a boundary. That's also a threat/ultimatum. and someone has every right to state it, and follow through with it.

[eh.. technically, the official "enforcing boundaries" way to state it would be, "I will not allow you to hit me any more. I will not stay with you if you do not stop hitting me". It may be more easily accepted by the other person if you state it that way. From a "threat/no threat" evaluation, it still amounts to the same thing though.]



To my interpretation, a proper boundary, is about "stop hurting/neglecting me any more". Not giving your spouse regular sexual intimacy, is neglect.

In contrast, something that is NOT a boundary, would be, "Let me keep doing xxx, or I'll leave you".

That's not protecting yourself. That's just threatening/manipulating the other person to get or keep something for yourself.

[MJontheMend]

From my perspective, I agree with 3/4 of what you are trying to tell LFL here but I gotta say the way you are expressing yourself is not helpful IMO. Two things are true. Either LFL truly does respect and appreciate her H or she doesn't. Whether she is adequately expressing/communicating that respect/admiration/appreciation is another matter. If she simply "plays him bunny" without integrity you know she isn't going to get "real" desire or anything in return.

The other point that I would make is that, I'm sure that we would both agree that intimacy requires the ability to accept that others won't always behave in a manner that we respect/admire/appreciate. True for the boys and the girls. However, we should ask that our partners are at least self-aware enough to acknowledge when they are behaving in a manner that makes it difficult for us to respond appropriately. It is one thing for a man to signal "I'm not feeling very manly right now and you aren't helping.". It's another thing for a man to signal "I'm not willing to be the man."

[LustForLife]

Thanks RJ and Red, I appreciate your comments about the counseling. I'm still mulling it over.

Blackfoot - WTF is up your azz? Are you in my M? No. So don't tell me how my H feels about me one way or the other. And are you trying to scare me into staying in this M by throwing out "the next W" comment? That was just kind of mean considering my emotional state today. Why are you being so insensitive? I thought we were friends.

LFL

[LustForLife]

Refresh my memory regarding the circumstances of his moving out. Didn't he rent an apartment without telling you and then just up and move? What did he give as a reason (if any)? Was there some event that triggered his departure?

Yes, he rented an apartment without telling me and I only realized this after seeing the large withdrawal on our bank statement. I confronted him about what that was and it all came out then. Who knows how he was ever going to tell me on his own? Never got the chance. But he already had the key and off he went that night.
The reasoning is much more complicated. He says he just fell into a depression and running was the only solution he could see in his fogged mind. That whole thing hurts more than out entire SSM issues. He changed as a man in my eyes that day and may be the crux of the problems now.

LFL

[Lillieperl]

Yeah... that whole bolting to the apartment thing and not sharing with you how bad he was feeling is very important right now. That was a huge big deal. He just bolted. You didn't have a clue. I would find that very hard to get over, especially if he didn't explain. Has he ever asked you to forgive him? Or acted remorseful or contrite, or even apologized?

[LustForLife]

Has he ever asked you to forgive him? Or acted remorseful or contrite, or even apologized?

All the time. He couldn't behave any better than he has been when it comes to taking responsibility for his horrid actions. That is why I know it is MY issue now. I just don't know if I can accept him for who he is now. I know that sounds harsh considering he is trying to right a wrong but I am one stubborn, prideful and passionnate B-eotch at times and he is just not like me at all in that sense. I thinks he expects me to react like he would react - forgive and forget, but I just can't. I mean if he had told me last night that he was thinking of being with other people instead of vice versa, I would have been devastated. I wouldn't forgive him. But he does. He still wants us to go to counseling and work this out.
I just dunno...

LFL

[Dom R]

I mean if he had told me last night that he was thinking of being with other people instead of vice versa, I would have been devastated. I wouldn't forgive him. But he does.

waitaminit.. wutt??

You left out, "husband is planning to move out to an apartment and 'be with other people' in your summary", i think...