not a peep

[Trixi]

Thanks for checking in Nikki. And Dom, thanks for your thoughts, too.

Nothing new has happened since he came over Saturday; except for the brief IM "conversation" we had about whether or not I wanted the couches he has. I don't really want them- we got them like 8 years ago, they aren't that comfortable anymore and, well, I would prefer something cushier and in 'todays' style. However, since I am worried about $$, I am going take them for now.

I feel blessed with the number of people who have offered to help me move. People have been inquiring about how I am doing and what's going on in my sitch and probably 95% of the people have offered (I did NOT ask) to help me move. (The couple people who haven't offered are not capable of actually helping.) And most of the people who volunteered to help me move actually wanted to know the specific date I am moving; IOW, they're serious about their offer.

Anyway, it made me think back to when H moved out and it was just his stepfather who helped him. My H was critical of me and sort of implied that I don't have enough "friends". Seems to me I have plenty of the type of friends that REALLY matter. I have clients (now friends) who are giving me a Bosch front loader W/D set. I have clients (now friends) who are inviting me all sorts of places. The BF had me make a special necklace for the GF for her birthday. I have clients (now friends) who invited me to go to China the next time they go, and also to their "Friends and Family Reunion" cruise next August. And then there are my longtime friends who call to check in, invite me to do stuff, etc. I am so very blessed.

I picked up the book Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends and even though I am only a little ways into it, I can see that this book is going to help me A LOT. It offers a lot of hope on how to go (and grow) thru this ordeal.

I think I am still in denial because I haven't started packing. I know that 2 weeks from TODAY (eek!) the Door to Door company will be dropping off my containers for me to fill up. I should be sorting,purging, packing and staging the boxes for an easy transition into the containers. But no. I am agonizing over what bedding set I should get. HA!

It's getting easier for me. I'm not crying as much and I recover more quickly when I do. I still miss him like crazy and feel very jealous of whomever he should direct his affections towards. (I feel like I taught him a lot and that someone else will be getting the benefits.)

He has planted a big seed in my head/heart with his "nothing is forever" philosophy. I've had first hand experience with it already from the XBF who got married (and annulled), so I am well aware that people change their minds. H has purposely planted this same seed, then watered it and fertilized it (by talking about it in 3 separate convos.) The DB success stories also promote the idea of reconciliation even after D. I can feel myself dragging around this idea like a ratty old security blanket.

H wants to celebrate Christmas before he leaves with DD and myself. I said I would do it, but there is a part of me that is saying "WTF? Are you crazy?!" How am I going to "celebrate" with the person who is ripping out my heart? My mom seems to think it sends a bad message to DD. That I am telling her it is "ok" to be treated badly. ...Am I being 'treated badly' or is it that H and I just want different things?

I asked him if he and I would be exchanging gifts and he said "sure. nothing big, of course." Do I get him something thoughtful or just some generic thing? (FYI, I took "nothing big" to mean big ticket.)

Babbling. Long. Sorry. Guess I have a lot on my mind.