My heart goes out to you B50. My W had a physical affair with my "best friend" (not). I found out because the OM's wife told me.
It is devastating to have the two people you are closest with do this. All the duplicity. He was at my house while this was going on. In my own d@mn bed. Right under my nose.
On the ending all contact - what feels right to you? I stated that as a clear boundary, repeatedly. She repeatedly promised to stop. "It's over." And she repeatedly broke the promise. over and over. And she lied and accused me, to cover it up.
Aliens! They're aliens!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I talked to my DB coach yesterday and we came up with a way to confront my wife about the emotional affair without being confrontational. It was my coach's opinion, and I think she was right on, that if we confronted the offenders directly, we risked deepening the affair.
So.....last night, I asked a few little questions... Me: "Do you ever wish we had as good a relationship as you do with him?" Her: "What are you saying?" Me: I repeat the question.
If any of you saw a bright flash on the east coast last night, that was my wife self-combusting. I got a string of statements like "We're just friends" and "You have some insecurities", etc., etc. Which of course, tells me that I hit the hot button with sledgehammer.
After the smoke cleared, I asked the next question: "How do you think his wife feels about your long and frequent conversations with him?"
Long pause.
Her: "Well, maybe I'll have to call her tomorrow and find out how she feels..."
Bingo.
This morning, she came downstairs and gave me a little kiss goodbye before I went to work.
(!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Then she said she didn't sleep very well last night.
So the roller coaster ride really begins now, methinks. Please talk to me you guys...I think I'm going to need some help getting through the forest here...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
This morning, she came downstairs and gave me a little kiss goodbye before I went to work.
(!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Red flag. Why does this behavior merit a dozen exclamation points? And do you really think she's going to call the guy's wife? I'd want some verification on that.
B50, Every affair situation is different, but the one thing they all have in common, and this I know for sure, is that they take a longgggggggggggggg time to clear. They just don't want to give up the fantasy. Or they can't...they're addicted. Or they feel guilty, about hurting the other person's feelings. It's like you have now bought yourself a ticket to Nuttyville, only you really didn't buy yourself the ticket, you were forced to go there, and now there, you're stuck, becuse that's where you'll be every time you interact with your spouse. Just remember where the exit sign is.
Do you want to reconcile with your W or is this a dealbreaker? I'm assuming that you want to reconcile given the line of discussion thus far, but it is something you need to search your soul and decide. If so, then you really need two main thoughts in your head.
I love my W. The A must end.
Really those thoughts are two sides of the same coin. Being very firm in your resolve to end the A immediately shows love. I can guarantee you that your W, even though she thinks the A makes her feel good, feels really bad inside (assuming she is a normal, mostly good person). Showing her that your M and commitment to her mean so much to you that you are willing to do whatever it takes to end the A is very loving. Unfortunately, there will be a lot worse pain before you get to the "other side", so a lot is being asked of you, and despite your best efforts she may not respond. Are you ready for it?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hairdog, I don't need her to call. All I needed her to do was plant the seed of doubt. The goal was to let her know, gently, and without accusations, that her behavior was noticed. The dozen exclamation marks signify the 12 months that have gone by since the last time she gave me a kiss goodbye.
RealJourney, I think you're right. My ticket to Nuttyville has been punched. And yes, I know where the exit is. I'm starting to come to grips with what might happen if this doesn't work out, and it doesn't terrify me anymore. I mean...how much more pain can I be in?
Please don't answer that question...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
With all due respect to your DB coach, I think you should take more of NOP's advice.
Icky confession follows: When I was married the first time (over 30 years ago), I had a three month affair (physical) with a co-worker. At first it was secret, but my H found out. The fact that he knew did NOT deter me. I'm not sure why. I was pretty mixed up in those days. I was in denial of the warped reality I was living in. Anyway, a "gentle reminder that you've noticed" is NOT going to do the trick.
The OM dumped me and my H took me back. But a year later I left him for someone else (I had NOT slept with this guy before I moved in with him-- odd, I know-- but of course my H thought I had been carrying on with the guy all along.) My exH has NEVER forgiven me, and frankly, I don't blame him. OM #2 and I broke up three years later (this was 1978).
The point is, you must take a FIRM STAND as NOP said. Being nice and gentle is not the way to go. I'm not saying to be mean, but you must be adult, firm, manly, and KNOW what you want. Get that clear in your head and then make that clear to her. That is something my exH never did.
Frankly, I don't attach much importance to her little kisses and shows of affection. Sorry to rain on that parade. This is serious and you've got hard work ahead.
Chromo, I know you're right. I have seen many clues that she feels bad inside about this.
Let me give you a little background on my wife so more of this might make sense. I'd like to hear what everyone thinks.
My wife's dad died of cancer when she was 16. This, as expected, completely devastated her. She LOVED her father. Two years later she married a controlling, abusive jerk, and had two kids. She divorced him six years later. Eighteen months later she met me.
My wife never had an opportunity to grow through adolescence. She went straight from horrible trauma to marriage and motherhood. She didn't have a chance to date and fall in and out of love several times. After 23 years of marriage, no matter what, you're going to eventually lose those original feelings of intense love. It's just not going to be the same. And if there's a little stress and tension in the marriage, it's going to feel even worse. She has never really formed a clear identity of herself. She's empty inside. She's always poured herself into her kids and me, and never really developed a sense of identity.
So when we were going through some troubles (money), and she felt like she couldn't emotionally connect with me, she looked elsewhere. My friend happened to be conveniently available.
And here we are today.
I know I've got a lot of pain in front of me. I think the only way we're going to be able to go forward is if she abandons this EA and decides to work on herself. Otherwise, we're just going to jump from affair to affair as she looks for a way to fill the emptiness inside.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Being kind and gentle won't do a thing, you know. Be firm, or she WILL jump from affair to affair, because after all nothing happens if she does except gentle rebukes.
Forget everything except the one fundamental human truth: people respond to incentives. You must make it more unpleasant for her to be IN the affair than out of it. And since any break-up with someone you're in love with is pretty darn painful, you need to make it quite unpleasant.
All I needed her to do was plant the seed of doubt.
Huh? Doubt about what? I don't follow this.
Quote:
The dozen exclamation marks signify the 12 months that have gone by since the last time she gave me a kiss goodbye.
I guess the crumbs she scattered in front of you did their magic.
Quote:
I have seen many clues that she feels bad inside about this.
That she feels bad about the EA, or bad about getting caught? Or bad about having to scatter some crumbs to pacify you into not bugging her about it?
Quote:
Let me give you a little background on my wife so more of this might make sense. I'd like to hear what everyone thinks.
First, I don't think you really want to hear what everyone thinks, because it hurts to hear most of this. Second, your description of your wife's history reminds me of the time I was describing MY wife's history of parental abandonment, etc., to a friend. When I was done, the friend said, "her father blah blah blah. Her mother, blah blah blah. Abandonment blah blah f#%king blah. Everyone has issues. We're adults now. Get over it." Your wife has to be close to 50 now. If she truly doesn't have a "clear identity" of herself by now, and is still dealing with issues from her adolescence, then she hasn't tried very hard. It does not excuse her actions with your best friend.
Cheaters lie. Liars cheat. You can either face up to the facts or continue deluding yourself that a "little kiss goodbye" after 12 months is a sign that a change for the better is just around the corner. Geeze, all you had to do to earn that kiss was uncover a clandestine affair between your W and your best friend. What are you going to have to do to earn some real affection?
