Fooled again

[ourcrisis]

In the long term, I feel it is better to wait till he is ready, rather than him feeling pulled back into the R (regardless of whether you pushed or not).
My H moved out "to be alone" only turning out to be with OW for a few weeks. I found out and told him "don't come back unless you end all contact with OW". Few weeks later he came back but he did not end the ocntact completely. He did say he had to come back or "he may not come back". I was too scared to stand my ground and let him. Now contact with OW is still there (no PA, not seeing each other, just email/phone). I feel that if I had stood my ground, he would have ended it sooner. Now I have a bad feeling that he will forever have the thoughts of OW in his mind because he was not ready.

One thing I learned through this is that we are all human. We all have our "faults". H can say everything is your fault but you know (or will have to learn to know) that it is never completely your fault or his fault. And at the end, it actually does not matter that much whose fault it is. You are here, and you are who you are. What you can do is everyday try to be a better person than the day before. A more confident, happier, more considerate person, learning and growing everyday. If he wants you back, that's great. If not, then you have become a better person anyway.

Take care.

[fooled again]

But then the other thing you have to consider, LuvMyHusband, is if YOU are REALLY, TRULY ready for your H to come home. My H has not come home yet, even though he told me he would come home in a minute if I let him. I have not asked him to come home for a few reasons (though we have talked about it).

One, I'm not sure he is really ready. We have been S for 9 mos and that is a long time, but maybe not long enough. He has been spending more and more time at the house in the last couple of weeks, mainly b/c I am letting him, but then he did that before when he was still in the A. I need to be sure that he really does want this life, a family life, which is very different than the life he has now, no matter how often he comes by. He does not have keys so it is really not his home anymore. When he first left (and was still in the A) I let him come and go as he pleased. Now, maybe I just need for him to really know what it is like to be an outsider, so that if there are any thoughts of going back to the OW, he knows what his life will be like, what he will continue to be missing, only he will be more lonely b/c he won't even be able to come by to visit. I would definitely draw that line.

Two, I need to be sure that I am ready to have him back in my life, to be comfortable with him around and not constantly be anxious. Living apart forces me to let go of the urge to control him, spy on him, force him to be honest by watching his every move and grilling him about everything he does. I need to feel myself trusting him enough to let him back into my life. Of course to totally trust him will take time, and there will continue to be the expectation of transparency, for both of us.

Third, I need to be able to say to myself that I am ready to let him come back, and know in my heart that if he does cheat again, he is gone forever and I can survive it and still have a wonderful life. I need to be able to say that I don't NEED my H in my life, but that I am CHOOSING him. That, my friends, is the degree of strength we need to embark on this journey of recovery.

I was thinking about that today - I need to get to that place where I know that no matter what he chooses to do, I will survive. Only then will I be able to truly give our R a fighting chance. Until then, I am only doing it because I am afraid, and that is never a good reason to do anything. I try to think of the lessons I have been trying to teach my D6, and live those lessons myself. It's tough, but necessary.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi everyone,
I am feeling very discouraged today. The last few days have been awful. D8 has been very sick. She collapsed on me yesterday. Took her to Urgent Care. She has pneumonia and a low oxygen count. The doctor said we caught it in time. Another couple of days they probably would have hospitalized her. I am sick too, don't know what I have. No voice, sore throat and very tired.

I lost it with H yesterday. I know, definitely not dbing. He says he's concerned about D8, if he is, he certainly doesn't show it. We got into it big time, hurtful things said on both sides. No matter WHAT we argue about he always brings it back to what I did. I was feeling so depressed last night that I said that the only thing that would ever convince him how sorry I really was if I died. I am sick, discouraged and feel totally hopeless.

Jen, I will get that book but won't be going out for a while with D8 and I being so sick. My H says he is confused and not sure about anything. I don't understand it at all. Until I can get out would you mind sharing more from the book? It sounds really good.

Anyway, right now I feel like my M is pretty much over and that my H has just been messing me. I feel like a yoyo (yoyo), when he's here it seems like we will work and then he leaves and he's distant again.

Need some encouragement today.

[SueS]

Luv-

Sweetie, I'm so sorry that this is happening. Big hugs and prayers to you and D8. I hope you both get better soon.

Sue

[Yoyowife]

Luv,
Sorry to hear that both you and your daughter are sick.

The yoyo experience is no fun, is it? That's the exact way my H acts, hence the name.

Curl up with your daughter and take it easy. I'm thinking of you.

Hugs and best wishes,

[LuvMyHusband]

Thanks Yoyo. My D8 and I are pretty done in. She is watching High School Musical for the 3rd time since I bought it yesterday! Yuck!!

I just got off the phone with Chuck, my db coach. Good session. He gave me some insight and encouragement. He did say that he feels I'm making progress and to keep it up. He said to expect the H to "test" me and to back off. He also gave me some advice how to handle it when he does. He says that he does feel like there is still hope which really lifted my spirits.

[fightingirish]

I was feeling so depressed last night that I said that the only thing that would ever convince him how sorry I really was if I died. I am sick, discouraged and feel totally hopeless.

This upset me.. don't talk this way!! He will come around.. he will forgive.. you just have to listen to your DB coach.. which by the way is great that you are talking to one.

Like the coach said.. you need to back off.. and you know what with everything going on right now, its understandable that tempers flare when things are stressful.. so don't get discouraged..

I won't be around tomorrow to call, but you can email me anytime!!

take care of your d8 and I hope she is better.. you too.

(((hugs))

Tal