The scary thing is that we might actually have wound up married if I had actually been divorced when we met.

Well that would be a good lesson to remember then. People who are serious about M, dont get involved with M people.

The other factoid Ill drop on you, is that normal (read not famous )men (and women) who have stalkers, are dishonest and incongruent, with there actions and intentions.
long long ago, I had a male roommate who had stalkers. You havent lived untill youve had your front door decorated with colorful descriptors in various shades of lipstick, several times. Or listened to a woman screeching whilst listening to the screech of her keys on your roomates car, and praying its not going to be shared on yours.
Ive worked with a few waitresses who had stalkers (and the requisite attention and drama) also.
Im glad your pile of 'I dont care' was big enough. I figured it would be.

You guys really need to do a better job of watching out for me.

You really need to do a better job of watching out for yourself. There. ;\)

I consider you to be my virtual duennas/big brothers. Do you even know the terrible fate that is usually destined to girls who are whisked away to Gretna Green by forceful men who play at hazard?

Where is Gretna Green, and what is Hazard? LMAO.