Her (8:06:29 AM): Are you there? Me (8:08:31 AM): Yeah Im here Her (8:07:32 AM): Had a dream about you last night kind of shook me. Me (8:09:35 AM): how come? Her(8:08:21 AM): Are you open to sitting down and talking? Me (8:10:16 AM): sure Me(8:10:20 AM): about what? Her(8:09:02 AM): Just things... daughter.. communication with us.. Me (8:11:05 AM): sure... I can do that Her (8:09:44 AM): I just think that you and I were together for way too long for us to be like this. Me (8:11:52 AM): I understand Me(8:13:42 AM): gotta run.. talk to you later Her (8:12:25 AM): ok Her (8:12:38 AM): get back to me later.. on when we can sit and chat
I know I shouldnt read too much into this but do you think she is starting to have second thoughts? Or is she just concerned Im going to get custody of our D?
Yesterday she was upset that D didnt want to live there anymore and was going around telling everyone that she was moving to her daddy's house.
Maybe my W is trying to befriend me so I wont take D from her?
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
I wouldn't have ANY expectations going into this chat with your W. When my H wanted to "talk" last week, I had things running through my mind like crazy. It's hard not to think about it, but just don't expect her to say.....I've changed my mind...let's work on this.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love nothing more than to see you come back on here and tell us that she still loves you and she wants to reconcile. I just don't want you to get crushed by having too high of expectations.
We'll be thinking of you and checking on you.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I agree with Mark - don't read anyhting into it. She is probably just wanting to go down the we should be able to act like adults and be civilised route. Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
H4C - First of all, I guess this is an opportunity to act as-if but I wouldn't have any expectation that this is going to be a conversation about working the M issues out but instead a conversation about being amicable and trying to get through all of this in a sane and friendly way. That's my take. My wife has said the same to me. "We've been best friends for 20 years, I don't want to lose that friendship. I don't want our D to get in the way of that."
I hate the doom and gloom of all of this but in too many instances W starts off with a "teaser" comment only to reveal that her intentions have not changed one iota.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Me(8:08:31 AM): Yeah Im here Her(8:07:32 AM): Had a dream about you last night kind of shook me. Me (8:09:35 AM): how come? Her (8:08:21 AM): Are you open to sitting down and talking? Me (8:10:16 AM): sure Me (8:10:20 AM): about what? Her (8:09:02 AM): Just things... lauryn.. communication with us.. Me (8:11:05 AM): sure... I can do that Her (8:09:44 AM): I just think that you and I were together for way too long for us to be like this. Me (8:11:52 AM): I understand Me (8:13:42 AM): gotta run.. talk to you later Her (8:12:25 AM): ok Her (8:12:38 AM): get back to me later.. on when we can sit and chat Her (9:54:42 AM): Do you have time to talk? Me (9:56:40 AM): yeah Her (9:55:22 AM): My dang stress levels are just so high right now, I'm just at a loss as to what to do. Me(9:57:15 AM): how come? Her (9:55:43 AM): Just everything. Me (9:57:45 AM): yeah... I hear ya Her(9:56:42 AM): Can I talk to you about how I feel and where I stand without you trying to use it against me? If not, I understand Me (9:58:35 AM): sure Her(9:56:54 AM): are you being honest Me (9:58:45 AM): yes Her(9:57:26 AM): So my boss tells me today that they need my presence in the office if I'm going to work the schedule that I work. Me (9:59:23 AM): wow Her (9:57:37 AM): I told him that between gas and a baby sitter it would cost me like 1k a month. Me (9:59:40 AM): yikes Her (9:58:10 AM): so he says we need to find a solution. I said unless Alpine is going to get me a raise or give me hours so I can find a part time job, then I'm kind of stuck. Her (9:58:15 AM): he had no other suggestions. Me (10:00:17 AM): dang Her (9:58:34 AM): so looks like I'll have to go back to working 16:30 - 1AM Her (9:58:40 AM): I cant do it. I just cant do it. Her (9:58:49 AM): I was so sick all the time and stressed all the time. Me (10:00:46 AM): yeah..that schedule was hard on you Her (9:59:03 AM): Her (9:59:22 AM): its like I try my best to keep things in perspective but damn.. this is just shitty. Me (10:01:21 AM): yeah..that does suck Her (9:59:38 AM): then its like I just think about Lauryn ALL THE TIME. Me (10:01:31 AM): me too Her (9:59:45 AM): it is just consuming me Me (10:01:39 AM): same here Her (10:00:07 AM): its like she goes from hot to cold in a blink of an eye Her (10:00:12 AM): reminds me of myself Her (10:00:22 AM): or my old self I should say Her (10:00:59 AM): I dont know how I'm going to figure it all out. Her (10:02:57 AM): I know its hard Her (10:02:38 AM): I think I may have to sell my house. I dont know yet cuz I need to see what my boss comes back and says and the market is real crappy and Lauryn and her school.. just everything. Me (10:04:46 AM): wow Her (10:03:15 AM): I cant go through this stuff during the holidays. It is just so overwhelming at times. Her (10:03:35 AM): I pray about it all the time and I'm sure an answer will come soon, I just dont know what else to do. Me (10:05:36 AM): thats all you can do is pray and give it to God Her(10:04:34 AM): I must have done sometihng pretty bad in my previous life to get this one. Me (10:06:37 AM): dont say that... everything will be ok Her (10:05:49 AM): I feel like i need to take a mental health day or something. It like I want to figure out all this stuff now and its just impossible. Me (10:07:59 AM): yeah.. you probably do need a break Her (10:07:28 AM): I dont know Corey.. I dont know why this happens to me every year at this time. The holidays are just so dang stressful, the winter, the dark, the cold.. just does strange things to me Me (10:09:34 AM): Yeah.. I remember from the past it would do that to you Her (10:08:28 AM): Its like I put on a smiley face to make it happy for Lauryn.. but some days I cant keep that face. Me (10:10:40 AM): I understand what you're saying Her (10:09:57 AM): if you were in my shoes what would you do? Me (10:12:35 AM): I think I would seriously weigh all my options... break it down into small little chunks Me (10:12:48 AM): and work through each little chunk Me (10:13:00 AM): focus on the little things..not the big picture Me (10:13:15 AM): thats just me though her (10:11:29 AM): I dont know if I even have options.. or some options are so dang hard it feels like the stress could kill me. Me (10:13:42 AM): then you have to take your time Me (10:14:02 AM): you cant rush Me (10:14:14 AM): whats best for Chanek, ya know? Her (10:13:08 AM): But its not what is best for Chanek. I have Lauryn to think about as well. Me (10:15:25 AM): true.. but you have to make sure you are in place where you can take care of her... it starts with you Her (10:16:36 AM): I know what you are saying. sigh... Me (10:18:37 AM): Easier said than done, I know Me (10:18:56 AM): but you've always been strong.. you can do this Her (10:18:17 AM): Its like I know it will always be okay. It always is.. but I swear it feels like I'm just going to have a heartattack Me (10:20:30 AM): yeah... I bet it does Her (10:22:43 AM): sigh Me (10:24:49 AM): hang in there... I wish I had better advice for you Her (10:24:33 AM): It helps just talking to you. Me (10:26:28 AM): you know Im here for you Me (10:26:31 AM): anytime Her (10:24:48 AM): I'm sorry Corey. I'm just sorry Her (10:25:01 AM): Me (10:27:09 AM): hang in there... it will all work out, I promise Me (10:28:37 AM): gotta run... meeting.. hope your day gets better Her (10:26:58 AM): thanks.. thanks for listening. Me (10:28:57 AM): sure
I am so confused here.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Firstly, I think you did really well there and responded clearly, calmly and validated what she was saying.
My first impression would be that your W is really stressed and feeling overwhelmed and out of options, as she says. She doesn't know what to do and fears that she has no easy way out of her current sitch. She's come to you for advice, perhaps because of the affect the choices will have on your daughter but also because she needs help and reassurance and knows that you can be there for her.
I guess one thing to know is whether her mood will stay constant, or fluctuate - she does seem pretty stressed during the IM coversation. I guess when people find themselves in a sitch where they feel helpless they start to reassess and doubt their choices, but this can be reactionary.
I don't know your sitch and am not great at this but I hope that helps. As ever, keep calm, supportive, validate and take things slowly.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
WOW you were amazing. Supportive, but like a good friend. Perfect. She is so lost and stressed. I wonder what she would say if you offered to take D (love her name, btw!) a little more, so she can 'rest and recharge'. How do you think she would react? Of course, her mood towards you might have already changed and she might act like that conversation never even happened. Something worth thinking about....
