I know that we are our own worst enemies throughout this process, but I think that the desire to self-sabotage is especially strong when things are looking up. I am not sure if it is the drain of the crisis and the impossibly difficult work of DBing, but after things start to turn better, I feel that I look for opportunities to mess things up (part of this relates to my own past issues about what I deserve). That is, just when I seem to be turning the corner, I get the desire to snoop or to look for "signs" of trouble or act pouty and needy.
For example, on the heels of the past weekend and all of its wonderful "honeymoonesque" behavior, the beginning of this weekend was kind of a letdown. H is tired and a bit under the weather, and he was not as affectionate, and he was a little bit sharp with the kids. Since I did something completely boneheaded and very like my former pre-180 self on Tuesday, I kept thinking, "He's changed his mind. He realizes that this is a mistake." Even though I knew that it did not make sense, my thoughts were geared to destroy my PMA. However, I decided that I need to be in control and not let this carry me. Yesterday, even though I was fighting those feelings, I "as if"ed and enjoyed some PMA activities with the kids, cleaned the house, and did a special act of service for H. When H and I spoke, I was full of sunshine and light. When H came home last night, he was especially tired and again a little short with the kids, but I decided to stick with the course of action, and I listened attentively to him about his day (a failing of mine in the past), talked animatedly about my own day, and tried to keep the normal chaos to a minimum. Late that night, after the kids were asleep, H was involved in a task and periodically asking my opinion. Suddenly, he stood up and walked toward where I was sitting to grab something (or so I thought). Instead, he embraced me and kissed me in a very loving way, and the night went on from there. It made me understand that my perception of H's moods is not always correct, and that I need to back off the negativity and not try to sabotage myself by exploding, nagging, or digging at the least sign of an off day. Sometimes, you just have to let it be.
