I too understand backing off the DB'ing, given the discouragement of all the tunnels seeming to have no cheese in them.
I too have been pondering easing off of the DB stuff and let W go entirely, not just going dark but just give up on her. It's not that it's not lonely without her, it's just that it's so "anti-lonely" when she is around, if you know what I mean.
But I also know that by most accounts that getting involved with another person before I have fully healed would be a disaster for me and for the other person. I know the rule of thumb for healing from a major relationship: the average is one year for every four years you were married. For me, that means I am looking at about four years before I will have had enough healing from the ripping apart of our M. That's a long time. And I am no more special than the next poor soul who's been through this experience, so who am I to argue I can get through this any faster?
So I am facing a number of years trying to heal from this ordeal.
I do intend to carry on, to move forward, focus on my sons and build up my circle of friends, but no dating. No, I don't particularly like the fact that I am being forced down this path of solitude and (to be frank) celibacy, but I don't ever, ever want to repeat this horrible trauma again, if I can help it. I don't ever want to get back into this same situation, 'cause I don't think I could survive it again. Just too d*mn painful. So I will be a lot stronger and wiser no matter what happens in my life.
But then if I am already facing the prospect of being single for a long time, what harm is there in still keeping the candle lit, for that wildly unlikely possibility that my W comes to her senses in that time? As long as I can arrange it to where she no longer becomes this constant threat to my PMA and going forward in my life, then it won't hurt to leave the door open until I am truly healed and ready for that next step years from now. Maybe God will surprise me with what lies ahead.
That's the way I'm looking at it of late -- tomorrow, who knows? I might be p*ssed off so much at her that I myself am willing to file.
So.. she started talking about how she's not being treated the way she wants to be treated. She wants to be treated like a queen. This is the second time she has complained about this with him. I validated her feelings and we chatted about what happened with us. I wasn't trying to give her any pointers.. I'm not here to fix THEIR R.
I basically tried to indicate that I understood what she was talking about and understood what it takes to give her what she wants.
2 things here.. 1.. the chink in his armor is starting to bother her. 2.. She has unrealistic expectations.. always has.
She has supposedly talked to him about this one other time and he didn't listen. Sounds like it's happening again.
Hmmm...my guess is that even if she were treated like a "queen," she wouldn't be happy. She is still looking to other people for happiness. Until she gets that one figured out, she will not be happy with anyone.
So yesterday was cool.. I took the D's to the chiropracter and W was there (she works for him in the evenings some days). The pictures that were taken at school were in and wanted to get a sneak peek. Man.. I know everyone says this, but my D's take some GREAT pictures. It will be tough to decide which pictures to take.
W was being a little flirty.. while looking at the pics, she made the comment "We did a good job" and looked at me a little slyly.
As we left, she said "Bye babes".. I jokingly said "Bye" in a funny voice. She started tickling me and playing around.
As I dropped the D's off this morning, she was.. I don't know how to describe it. As she would wave bye say bye, she had this "I love you" look. You know what I mean?
Not that this means anything.. I think maybe she's starting to see me in a better light.. which is good. Not even an 8th of the way there though.
On another note.. Finally ran into hot mom again. She pulled in the same time we did. She said how D5 looks just like W. We walked into school together and she asked "Do you get them ready in the morning by yourself?" I told her I did.. I also whispered (for the D's) that "We're separated" She said she didn't know that.. that would make things difficult. Then she said something about her sitch.. I didn't quite catch it, but she either said "Yeah.. we've done that too" or "Yeah.. we're there too"
We made other small talk about the D's.. quick convo, but it was cool.
I've noticed that she's made efforts to talk to me when she sees me. Now that she knows we're separated, I'll see what she does.
Jar... I knew your W would come around sooner or later. Now dont get too enthusiastic, this is a critical time in your sitch. Stay cool and calm and keep reminding yourself that you can live without her, this will show when you interact with her.
If you return that "I love you" look to her, she'll stay on the fence.
Im cheering you on Bro!
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
I totally agree W was showing her weakness/emotions by saying she doesn't want to get off the phone. Your reply is perfect. She is testing the waters, but I don't think its in a selfish "See, I can still have him if I so desired" way, I think its true.
While I miss your dorky sense of humor, I'm glad to see that you are spending less time on the boards and more time on you. That tells me that you are in a better place. Good for you!
been watching your thread. would like your take on mine if you get some time. Thanks brother.
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
Thanks again guys.. I'm feeling better and better about things as time goes by.
mcol.. I'll try and catch up on your thread.
So.. W called yesterday to see if I could pick D5 up from Kindergarten and meet at her place. I was truly busy, so I told her I couldn't.. she pleaded several times, but I stuck to my guns. This is very important for me.. I need to be able to tell her no and stick with it. She ended up working whatever out.
Called to talk to the D's.. W was on her cell, so it was a little difficult talking to the D's. They were being crazy.. good crazy though.
W called back (I let it roll) a little while later. Had some silly questions and stated "there are a few other things I would like to talk to you about"
I called her back an hour later.. we talked about the silly questions (where D3's toys were.. etc) and then she said "I also liked the talks we've been having." I said "Me too.. we should do that more often huh?" she said "You think?" I joked back and said the same. She wanted to talk some more, but she was giving the D's their showers. I told her we could talk more thursday night (I'm watching D's for her while she takes her final).
So.. nothing huge, but it's a combo of being friendly while not caring what she's doing. I'm also acting "as if".. mostly because that's how I feel.
That whole cardio thing is sooo tiresome. I keep waiting for someone to come up with negative calorie beer.