Well, last night was pretty brutal. I wasn't planning on getting into any of this stuff until after the holidays but I have the worst poker face so he knew something was up. He asked me to just be honest with him and tell me how I'm feeling. I told him again I was unhappy. That our "platonic" conversation was really hard to hear. He started to backpedel and say he didn't mean it that way. That he just doesn't know what else to do other than counseling at this point. I told him I was not really in a state of mind to just try harder to make this work. I don't really want to go to counseling. BTDT
He kept pushing me to tell him what I mean by all this. I told him that maybe we need to separate. He started to cry and said he wasn't going to take steps to do that but he couldn't stop me. We got into a very surface conversation about money but stopped because I just don't know how we could keep the house. That was too painful for either of us to discuss because of the kids.
I felt him out about possibly just living together but leading separate lives for a while until we figure out the details. Didn't really get a clear answer from him other than he isn't going anywhere. So I'm sort of stuck for now until I can figure this mess out further.
He asked if there was someone else. I told him no but that I have been thinking a lot lately about wanting to be with someone else and that is bad enough. I just can't get out of that mindset and I felt I needed to put all the cards on the table.
So that was the gist. It was very awkward this morning but he just said "I'm really sad about this" and went to work. I feel like a dirtbag right now. I don't want to hurt him. I just don't know what else to do.
