Just checking in. The exam went fine. I could have done better, but this teacher didn't give us half a clue. She should NOT be teaching. So many of these that teach at night seem to only be qualified because they are in the field and not because they have any ability to teach. I have her again next semester too. Blah.
H has been on the run away train. Last Saturday D18 came home for a few hours and had a meltdown. She started crying in the nail salon and cried for a long time. She was stressed out with finals, but she started talking about her dad and just broke my heart. I told H about it the next day and I really think he was more concerned with how she knew he was leaving again then the fact she fell apart!
Last night he was mad because she had not returned a couple of his phone calls and he was in the "leave me alone" mode. He finally started up on how she wouldn't call him and I let him have it on how hurt these kids are by what he's done. I told him he has been horrible to me, but what kills me is what he's done to them. He ranted for a while but then said starting today he was going to make it up to the kids.
His basic senario was we'd fake it around them. I told him NO, that is not enough for me anymore. I've been telling him for the past two weeks he needed to go asap and he kept saying he can't find a place. Please! There are one-bedroom apartments everywhere. It's another excuse. I've told him more than once in the past week that this is no longer acceptable to me, that I deserve more from a R than this. I told him if he's leaving to do it now, that I wanted to stop all this, that too many people were being hurt and someone had to say enough.
So, last night I heard that even if he wanted to leave he couldn't afford to. Beginning today the kids would see their old dad again. Etc.
He just doesn't get it. The kids will see right through an act. And like S23's gf said last night to me, if H tries with them, but continues to treat me badly it would never work.
I don't think he was prepared for me to agree with him about leaving and wanting him to do it immediately. I want peace. I don't want him here like this anymore. I'd rather be alone than with the person he is right now. I have reached a new level in this mess. I'm tired of it all. I don't want to play anymore. I can pray for him wherever he is.
But, it seems, he's still here. . .
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
