Flipping the tortilla

[Rob1231]

Hi T, You asked me to stop in, so here's my thoughts after skimming over your thread...

I'm no expert, but thought I'd chime in with the observation that most of what I've been seeing others emphasize in DB is that it is fruitless to challenge the spouse's version of reality or what has been happening in the M. My sense is that you would be best hanging on to your response as a personal journal item and just respond briefly to her to acknowledge receipt. Something like: "I'm really sorry you feel that way. I've had a real wake-up call and know that you and our marriage are very important to me. I've learned a lot and am committed to continuing my own growth. We can talk more when I get back from work." Maybe you could broach the topic of MC, even if just for working out the co-parenting issues. But, I would try to keep email discussions to a minimum.

Nailed it! I could not have said it better myself.

T, as long as you have been at this, you have given the impression of being in an absolute panic. Everything had to happen NOW NOW NOW. Even now, when I see that you really ARE getting some of the DBing down, this is still going on. You are 'doing fine and not having R talks and all is OK' one day - and putting on the pressure and R talks the next. Over and over and OVER.

Let me tell you, your W does not perceive those one-day-long breaks from the pressure you apply as great days where everything is terrific. She probably spends them on pins and needles, waiting for the next needy, pushy outburst or R talk from you. This is the single biggest thing you need to change - and it has been for your entire sitch, from what I've seen. BACK OFF.

I do want to say again, you've made some terrific progress in other areas - GALing and PMA in particular. Keep it up! Still hoping the best for you and your sitch!

Rob