Fooled again

[fooled again]

But then the other thing you have to consider, LuvMyHusband, is if YOU are REALLY, TRULY ready for your H to come home. My H has not come home yet, even though he told me he would come home in a minute if I let him. I have not asked him to come home for a few reasons (though we have talked about it).

One, I'm not sure he is really ready. We have been S for 9 mos and that is a long time, but maybe not long enough. He has been spending more and more time at the house in the last couple of weeks, mainly b/c I am letting him, but then he did that before when he was still in the A. I need to be sure that he really does want this life, a family life, which is very different than the life he has now, no matter how often he comes by. He does not have keys so it is really not his home anymore. When he first left (and was still in the A) I let him come and go as he pleased. Now, maybe I just need for him to really know what it is like to be an outsider, so that if there are any thoughts of going back to the OW, he knows what his life will be like, what he will continue to be missing, only he will be more lonely b/c he won't even be able to come by to visit. I would definitely draw that line.

Two, I need to be sure that I am ready to have him back in my life, to be comfortable with him around and not constantly be anxious. Living apart forces me to let go of the urge to control him, spy on him, force him to be honest by watching his every move and grilling him about everything he does. I need to feel myself trusting him enough to let him back into my life. Of course to totally trust him will take time, and there will continue to be the expectation of transparency, for both of us.

Third, I need to be able to say to myself that I am ready to let him come back, and know in my heart that if he does cheat again, he is gone forever and I can survive it and still have a wonderful life. I need to be able to say that I don't NEED my H in my life, but that I am CHOOSING him. That, my friends, is the degree of strength we need to embark on this journey of recovery.

I was thinking about that today - I need to get to that place where I know that no matter what he chooses to do, I will survive. Only then will I be able to truly give our R a fighting chance. Until then, I am only doing it because I am afraid, and that is never a good reason to do anything. I try to think of the lessons I have been trying to teach my D6, and live those lessons myself. It's tough, but necessary.