Thanks. thanks, so much for your kind words and support. It is really helpful and encouraging. The glimpse of strenght I have I get from you guys. I did not try the DB counsels yet, I think I will give it a go. You all are right, it's so painful, the snooping, but what else can we do when we feel in limbo to protect ourselves?I feel so guilty but I keep wondering what are the choices I have? He used the computer today and all that he left was tons of screaming tracks in google search saying "if you are snooping, just know that ILY." I gave up and changed all my firewalls and other things I could use to snoop. I don't know yet if I did it because I realized no matter what he will always lie or if I am hopeful he will change so much that someday my gut feeling will tell me to relax.
Instead of being glad I thought it was so crazy, what we have become.
Yes, I can't put it under the rug. I can't quit my boundaries, I don't want to feel manipulated again and I want us both to have a good, sane life.
I though about this feeling I have to call the quits. I have decided not to do anything right now. It's weird how dettached I am feeling and how I don't feel like involving myself with him. I know everybody here is going through a lot, and I don't want anyone to feel bad by reading this, but suddenly I realized it is a few days until the year end. I wish it was January already. I am planning to talk to my doctor about this and tell him I just wish to sleep as many hours from Dec 31st to Jan 1st. I am making plans to be around caring people. I can't bear the retrospective that will flash in my mind at New Year's Eve. I know it's a simbolic date but just to think about it makes me sick. Christmas is easier because of my family.
Anyway, thanks again. You gave me a lot to think about, and it's comforting.
