Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 9

[Heimlich]

hoo boy, got to unexpectedly validate and DB a bit this evening. Originally had planned on doing a bit of Christmas shopping this evening. Left the office late and didn't think I'd have time to get anything done. With snow possible Friday (I thought) and that my only chance to get out and shop for the girls, I asked W if I couldn't get everything I wanted to get, if she would watch them for 2 hours or so on Sunday, that it wouldn't take me long. She sort of grudgingly said yeah. THen called me a back a few minutes later:

Keep in mind, that she's just given me the list of what's been purchased for the girls and that what I need to get won't take long. I know what I'm after (ended up shopping and getting most of it already, but that was my mindset when we spoke). I've got the girls tomorrow and meetings tomorrow and friday, so no chance to get out at lunch or during the day.

I may fill in the gaps later, but basically, she punched all of my huge faults over the years -- a tendency to be self-centered, a tendency to wait until the last minute to get things done. Couple of other things, but those are the big two. Said that I've been out -- sick about to pass out on my lunch breaks and making the time. You never do. Much more in that vein. I really am tired and she hammered me pretty good. I became a control freak because I couldn't trust you to get things done [this not totally true, more not get things done to some timeline she had in her head, but a LOT of truth in that complaint of hers] Agreed with all she said. You're right, I was that way. I'm doing the best I can to not be that way any longer. Then asked if I could say something. Told her that I asked to help shop, she never would talk to me about what we wanted to get. That she had done this over the years, she would push me away. She replied that you never get the right thing/or what if you got the wrong thing. easeir to do it myself. I said, "so what if I got the wrong thing. I bring it back and get the right one. You push me awya and push me away. You make me feel 2 inches tall when I did do something slightly wrong in your eyes. That's my fault for letting you make me feel that way and not telling you, but it's the truth.

I know, validate, validate. Still, she was attracted to a confident me when we met. I beleive it counterproductive to totally roll over. Anyway, there was about 30 minutes of this. She said something about I'm not worried about hurting your feelings or holding things inside. I said that's all I ever wanted from you. I said you haven't spoken to me, really, in 8 months. I've learned alot about myself, much of it, I didn't like. You leaving was the best thing you've ever done for me. It made me realize that I didn't really liek myself, that I wasn't the husband you deserved. It woke me up. I'm not perfect, but I'm doing the best that I can. My only regret is that I lost you in the process.

She said more of the same. I agreed. Said you still know how I feel, that I don't think it's too late or something like that, but I'm just living my life the best way that I can.

Then I went shopping and got most of the stuff for the girls I needed.

She said, at some point, that she had a lot of resentment towards me. I said that I know and understand, and deserve a lot of it, but that I loved you the best that I knew how. It wasn't good enough. You were right to leave, because we couldn't have been happy. I blamed you for everything from Oct to June, but I don't blame you any longer. I didn't know that then, but do now. I just regret that we didn't realize this five years ago. She: we didn't and it's too late.

That's the gist of it and more rambling than normal, so apologies.

Tell you what though, if ambivalence is the enemy, she sure as hell didn't sound ambivalent tonight. Of course, the woman can hold a grudge, so she just might end up being one of those bitter people blaming me for everything 10 years from now. If so, that's fine. I'm better off without that person. But, who knows, maybe she just needs to blow this out. I dunno.

Anyway, still plan on living life for me and not expecting her to come back. As I mentioned on WAW's new thread, going to ask that lady out tomorrow, when I'm (hopefully) more coherent.

Whew. Need to lose weight or not, I'm having a whiskey.

BD