Update: I want to Salavage my Marriage

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi IAC, All,

Well, things are not bad like they were. I think I am more optimistic every day. W always tells me she loves me, that I am a good dad, even texts me all the time. She says she misses me and our "closeness" a great deal. We are going to MC and that is helping. I am cautiously optimisitic that things are working out.

Having said all that, I do have some concerns. W told me she was going to Starbucks for a little while last night in order to get out of the house for a couple of hours. Instead, she came home drunk at 2AM and told me she went to a bar. She also texts a lot of people and takes great pains to hide her communications from me. I think that engenders suspicion and some anger on my part (which is a bad thing - snooping, mistrust, etc. - not the DB way I know).

Hey, I am trying to be zen-like about the drinking. I don't drink but I can understand why she does:
1) She has not had it easy with me over the years
2) SAHM with a 5 and 2 year old. Probably make the pope into a wino.
3) She is Australian and they tend to have little blood in the alcohol systems.

I don't want to be an enabler here, either. I think her drinking is a problem (she had a DUI recently and is still driving without a license and sometimes drives after drinking). I just don't know what to do and she is not at allthinking she has a problem.

For almost 7.5 years she did not touch a drop (mostly becuase I take such a dim view of drinking). Now she drinks a great deal, I suppose to make up for lost time. I am hoping that she just tires of it and out grows it.

So that is my sitch in a nut-shell. Thanks for checking on me, IAC! I do very much appreciate the tribal elder's wisdom. Best o'luck with H2B.

Best,
--Chris

[Heimlich]

Chris,

If she got a DUI, there has to be some way to approach her in a caring way to say "if you go out and drink, please take a taxi home because you're putting not only your own life, but others, at risk." If you want, I'll send her a photo of my brother trying to walk if she wants to know what drinking and driving can do to you.

BD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi Heim,

Well, I tried that and the MC tried the same thing. She knows she should take a taxi. She promises to take a taxi home. blah blah blah. Just when it is time, she gets dumb and drives. I don't know what else I can do. She says one thing and does another. I just hope and pray she does not kill someone or kill herself from drunk driving (or get another DUI we cannot afford).

Best,

--Chris

[Heimlich]

OK, didn't know if you had done that, very obvious, thing or were hanging back so as not to pressure a la DBing principles (not that those should count in this case).

That's tough and has to be scary for you. have you brought up what a DUI or manslaughter could do to the financial viability of your family -- i.e., her kids?

Spend any time in a rehab center, you'll never drink and drive again.

BD

[ann25]

Haven't read all of this, but my cousin was hit by a drunk driver while she was walking home. She had to have both legs amputated so it's a touchy subject for me...

if she knows she should be taking a taxi home, but forgets once she's been drinking, would she consider taking a taxi there. Then she'd have no choice to call for one when she's done...

just an idea

[SuperDad]

Chris,
My opinion, worth what you paid for it:

Your wife is an alcoholic. She is using alcohol to mask all the other issues in her life. She is putting other people and herself at risk. She cannot just have one drink.

I do not know the best course of action, but I would think that your IC or alcoholics anonymous or similar groups could help with a strategy for addressing this.

She needs help!

SD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

Yes, I would agree that the drinking is a problem. She probably is an alcoholic or borderline alcoholic. I do not know what to do but AA would be a logical first step.

I have been wondering about a lot of things recently. In no particular order:
1) If W is "working" on relationship, why does she need to go out 2 times a week?
2) Why does W prefer to sleep on the couch instead of our bed?
3) She has to be pretty drunk before sex is an option. She generally only has sex with me (3 times in the last 7 months)when she has done something wrong. Sort of a get out of jail free card.
4) W says she needs "baby steps" to get back to a normal R. Only recently has she invited me to even sleep in our own bed. As such, am I just to impatient and need to let her set the pace for which she is comfortable?
5) W still texts persons unknown and I do not know with whom she goes out. I am pretty sure there are other men, what I do not know is the nature (platonic, I hope) of their intent.

I don't know about these things. They concern me, but I wonder if I am just being overly concerned or insecure about it all. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Best,
--Chris

[Atlas]

Chris,

I have been trying to keep up on your sitch, seems like we are pretty much in the same spot. I still remember when you came here, I think I was a little harsh. But I have to admire your efforts, you have taken the whole thing by the horns and held on. Good job.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi Atlas,

Good to see you again. I don't think you were harsh at all! I hope things work out for the both of us. I am going to check in on your sitch as see what is new.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

More of the same here. Seems I have just hit a stagnant spot. I do miss being in love with my W. Now it is more of cessation of hostilities than a loving R.

I am happy with the progress. She is keeping to her word and so am I. She comes home when she says (even if it is 4 AM). I don't hassle her about it. I do not understand why she sees the need to go to bars all the time and act like a single woman.

One thing does have me upset. When she goes out to these bars, she takes off her wedding ring. Worse yet, she tries to hide the fact that she took it off. She will leave the house with it on, but return with it off. When I ask her about it she says "Oh, I needed to wash my hands" or "I made a big mess and had to clean it." I just know I do not like it one bit. I plan on bringing it up during our C meeting on Wednesday.

--Chris