BIGGER & better things

[RedHeadWife]

I do still feel sick and for a few reasons. One of them being that I am obviously still a scared, pathetic LBS inside. I'm still afraid that I can't be what he needs/wants. I'm still afraid that he's going to change his mind. So, what this says to me is that I am correct when I said a few days or weeks ago that for some reason I truly am not happy w/ myself, don't really know why and don't really know who I am anymore. What happened between those first few months after H left and now when I was feeling so strong & confident and sure of myself? I honestly don't know. I don't like feeling like I'm *dependent* on my H and my M to the point of practically groveling at his feet the way I felt I needed to this afternoon after my comment.

Then there is the other side of the coin to my personality -- I tend to get defensive & angry when I feel as though I am kissing H's a$$ and feeling as though I wouldn't be able to live w/o him. That's when I start acting *nasty-like* toward him -- hence the comment I made today?

Then there's the "damn it, Kelly, why can't you just be happy w/ what you have?" After all that's happened this past year, why CAN'T I just forgive and FORGET and get on w/ my life w/ my wonderful H who says he loves me??