Yeah... I know it's been unheard so far, that's so frustrating!
That's why I was hoping that maybe the actions will help him "hear" better. Wish I had more ideas for ya..
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Jak, The problem is knowing whether or not your H is returning to his old conflict avoidance patterns, in which case you must not allow him to hide, and confront him on the issues you're concerned about, or whether he's not capable of dealing with marital issues due to his own level of depression or other issues.
What do you think? Is he hiding or is he too depressed, or overwhelmed, or ambivalent about the M to have a R talk?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Ya know he has always avoided conflict. I definitly don't think he is ambivalent about the M though. When i distance myself from the R he always pursues, so I know he wants the M.
I do think he still has some depression thus the disconnected feeling even though it is a lot better than it was. Overwhelmed, Probobly with his parents issues and everything else. Is he "hiding" most definitly. If he doesn't talk about it and I don't discuss it, then it never happened and we can be happy and he can rid himself of guilt.
I am almost tempted to drop discussing what happened before because I really am trying to move on from it but, I do need to make sure he understands my needs for the future.
If I do this he also needs to know that from here on out we need to discuss what is happening in our M.
To add to the pressure I (we ) feel we recieved a phone call last night informing us that if his father continues the way he is he will not live until Christmas. They do not see anything changing either.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 12/12/0701:31 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, This is a relational pattern that's going to need to change if your M is going to survive. It sounds like the "ball is in your court." He's holding onto old patterns, and your reluctance to create conflict keeps the cycle going.
It would be easier on you if he faced his issues and worked on conflict management, but that's not happening. We change because we have to--the negatives become too high a cost.
Your anger episode with him is a sign of things to come. I think he's going to have to see that you're seriously moving on with your life to scare him into working on his issues. In a sense that's what you're doing now emotionally, but you're trying to contain it.
Your M needs "a perfect storm." I think once he gets frightened into facing and working on his issues, than your M will move forward. Like me, he has to learn that facing and wrestling with conflict reaps greater rewards than avoidance.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, I think you're highly frustrated by the lack of connection you desire in the M. You think you're stuck in this situation, and are frustrated that your efforts to get your H's attention hasn't worked. He's holding on tightly to old patterns.
I think you will reach a point where you will no longer be able to tolerate the status quo. You will feel forced to do something you won't want to. Storm clouds are gathering.
This M needs the "perfect storm." Your H needs to be awakened to see how unhappy you are, and that the M is in danger.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Yesterday was so sad. Had to go to a meeting regaurding H's dad. We had to decide on what measures we would allow for comfort care. They don't think he will live till christmas. H was not there he had to work and could not take time off but we were all in agreement. It was so hard to sign those papers knowing what we were doing was allowing him to just die. I do know that is what he wants as he expressed this to H and I on Monday night.
I do think H is having a harder time than he is letting on. Just wonder how i can help him.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 12/14/0702:07 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
It was so hard to sign those papers knowing what we were doing was allowing him to just die. I do know that is what he wants
Any change in your FIL? Dealing with a terminally ill person any time is not easy; the holidays just make it that much harder. You have to keep saying that you are following his wishes.
Meanwhile, I would just give your H all your love and support. If I were you I wouldn't do anything drastic at this time even though I know you are at the end of your rope. (((Jak)))
