W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

[Lanzo]

Dear all,

I busted a major DB rule, and I need you thoughts to determin where I'm up to and how to proceed next.

Reading back through my last few threads I think I had reached a point where I was about to give up, throw the towel in, just quit.
I even wrote a "DB suicide note" saying goodbye to you all (but I didn't post it).

Anyway I called W on her cell phone and asked her if she would be in a position to discuss the R tonight. Her response was why now. I told her that living in limbo like we were was no good for either of us, we both believe the M is over so we need to start thinking about a D. W asked me if that was my wish, I said no, but the two of us were going nowhere so we should end it now. However, if there was a small glimmer of hope I would work on things but I couldn't see that so we should spare each other the pain we were both in and end it now. I asked her what she wanted and in classic WAW style she said she didn't know.

W then said that she had expected this kind of talk from me when I first moved back in 2 months ago. But since I've been home she has seen me just going about my business as if I didn't care. And when I moved back I went straight into the spare room. I asked her would I have been welcomed back into our bed right away, she didn't reply. So I told her that I moved into the spare room to give her space, she replied that this was probably the right thing to do.

Actually, we had laugh about the bed in the spare room and how my weight had gone through the mattress and I was actually resting on the hard board below, the bed is most suitable to small children and W laughed at my description of my discomfort.
W told me she wanted the room back as her dressing room. I told her she could have the room back, but she would need to make a decision if she wanted me back in our bed as there was no where else for me to sleep. I told her I would leave that with her.

So again she asked why the R talk now, I told her I believed she was involved with OM maybe in love with him, and if this was the case I was ready to call it quits. W then said she wasn't involved with OM and certainly not in love with anyone. Well I said my instincts tells me there is an OM and if W wanted him and wanted to flaunt it in front of me, then I wanted out.

W then turned things round on me and asked where did I go the previous evening when I came in late. I said I would only tell her if she told me where she was on the previous Friday. Ok she agreed. I told her I went to see my sister and my grown up niece. My family can see that I am hurting and they really want to help and support me. As my car was off the road I travelled by bus which meant I got in late. Ok over to you.

W then said take this how you want, but I was with [name] OM in a hotel, it was a disaster, it's over with him, at this point she started to cry and said she was in hotel with OM and said to herself what I doing here, I should be at home with my family. Then she said although she had previously made contact with OM there was nothing going on between them until I accused her of an A. Then she said to herself why not. (not sure if this is an accurate account but I have to accept it at face value). OK at this point I said, we should stop the R talk. We can get back to normal interms of light conversation when we are together at home. W should enjoy a family xmas, then we can resume R talk in the New Year and we then decide if we work on the M or if we decide to split. W agreed with this.

So here we are, I think my DB was working, but it was draining me, maybe it also added to W confusion in thinking that I didn't want the M ? Another thought I had was we always say don't talk about the R until the WAW brings it up, maybe sometimes they don't know how to do this.

I'm not sure where this R talk has put me, I'm not sure where where to pick up with DB, don't know how to intrpret this breakthrough.


Help!!