All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

Thanks for the slap 25 yrs,

I hear what your saying. H won't take the hint when I don't answer his calls/texts/emails. I think i need to spell it out for him? The riask is then that he won't contact me at all, he'll go to the other extreme. But i need some space, if he only wants friendship at this point then fine. I don't feel separated!!!!

I'm a little upset right b/c i've just had another email from him asking for my help to pack the boys ski stuff. I've already helped him sort the clothes out once, it's really painful for me and although this holiday is exciting for the boys and H, it's not for me. 3 out of my 4 siblings will be out of the country. H has said that he has laid all teh ski gear out in teh lounge, so when i get home, i'll be reminded that they're going away again.

I'm thinking of writing him a letter about backing off and leaving me alone a little? Is this a good idea?

Must go now.

X Eve

[Evie]

Still receiving constant emails/texts/calls.

I have taken to switching my mobile off. Had a very low day yesterday and lost sleep b/c i was so distressed. Went to yoga which I needed desperately and that helped me to calm down alot.

Found it very difficult to deal with the all the ski clothing all over my lounge floor ready to be packed for H & S's ski trip. I layed out casual clothing as H asked me to do for the boys.

This morning I replied to one of H's numerous emails and said I had found it extremely hard to see all the ski stuff laid out. He replied saying that I could have taken the boys with me when i go to visit D1 in France in January. I think he's missing the point. The point being that this should be our annual family holiday and it's not, i'm not going and i'm really down about it.

I've ignored more emails and calls from him.

H emailed not long ago, to say he had phoned the company up that they are travelling with to see if they could fit me in but they are fully booked. He suggested that I could have slept with one of the boys.

At least next week I won't have the constant emails or texts and can hopefully regain some emotional equlibriam.

It's our A tomorrow (just in case I haven't mentioned it!!!!)I will take the kids out for dinner to celebrate and spend on the joint card so H will know.

I shall make the most of the time next week when they're away to decorate the next bedroom for S1 to move into when he gets back from his holiday.

H actually paid me a compliment and said I had done a fantastic job on D2's bedroom. I am actually really pleased with it myself.

Any advice on this letter to H that i'm still thinking of sending? As i'm still really confused that H contacts me so much if he just wants to be 'friends'????

Bye for now

X Eve

[Evie]

Morning.

Well it's my Annivesary today and H had forgotton. He emailed me at work and asked what the card was for, i hadn't written HA inside, i assumed (obviously wrongly) that he would remember.

H is more concerned that I won't talk to him and he wants to know why. So grasping this opportunity I have composed this letter:

"Today is a special day and I wanted to acknowledge it in some way. We have two beautiful sons that are the result.

It is a really difficult week this week (well for me it is) with our Anniversary and you going away on what should be our annual family holiday, I’m really struggling this week to cope and I’m frightened of saying the wrong thing, so in some ways it’s easier to say nothing. You have no idea how painful it was to have to sort out the ski stuff for the boys.

Your email is an over reaction to me not wanting to talk to you but it does have some truth in it.

I want nothing more than to talk and be friends, but there has to be more distance in communication. At least for now, until I can come to terms with the separation. At the moment your constant emails, texts and phone calls are not helping me make the break – which I feel is necessary to enable me to cope. Can you please think twice before contacting me, although I want to hear from you, every contact from you is painful, I’m wearing myself out analyzing your messages. I would expect and appreciate communication about urgent matters, access to the boys and business matters, but daily or hourly updates is not appropriate any more and is not helping me deal with the separation. I need you to back off and give me space to deal with this and begin the healing process.

YOU have made YOUR choice, you have what YOU wanted. YOU have made it clear you don’t want anything else. You are giving me the wrong signals by constantly contacting me. You are not acting like a separated man and you are making things really difficult for me right now. Right now I want you to understand what I want.

I hope you can understand and take MY feelings into consideration. PLEASE don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not being nasty or vindictive I’m just trying to survive the best way I can without you".

PLEASE, PLEASE any comments before i send it. I'm not sure what his reaction will be, I hope to not do damage and destroy our friendship, or shall I not send it?

HELP

X Eve

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

I feel your pain...

I think you come across not blaming him - that this is about you. You speak from the heart and if this single note would destroy your friendship than it was not a true friendship. Friends should be able to express their feelings - they are just that FEELINGS not right or wrong they just are and it's how we act on these feelings that make it right or wrong. I think you are right in saying you need to heal before there really can be any true friendship. We women overanalyze and mull over the simplest things and guys just don't get this - or most don't (sorry for the generalization guys).

I think the letter is good!

HB

[Evie]

this is an amended version:

Today is a special day and I wanted to acknowledge it in some way. We have two beautiful sons that are the result.

I haven’t said anything before because I’m trying to stabilize my emotions, but you have asked the question because you know something is wrong.

It is a really difficult week this week (well for me it is) with our Anniversary and you going away on what should be our annual family holiday, I’m really struggling this week to cope and I’m frightened of saying the wrong thing, so in some ways it’s easier to say nothing, I’m sorry if I have hurt you by doing so. You have no idea how painful it was to have to sort out the ski stuff for the boys.

I would have been a better to person to leave in the spring… I have a lot of pressure right now too cope with - You leaving, jess going away, very busy at work, busy with the swimming, our Anniversary, Christmas to plan and get through and your holiday.

Your email is an over reaction to me not wanting to talk to you but it does have some truth in it.

I want nothing more than to talk and be friends, but you sound confused, I don’t think the door is shut on this marriage yet, but for now there has to be more distance in communication. At least for now, until I can come to terms with the separation. At the moment your constant emails, texts and phone calls are not helping me make the break – which I feel is necessary to enable me to cope. Can you please think twice before contacting me, although I want to hear from you, every contact from you is painful, I’m wearing myself out analyzing your messages. I would expect and appreciate communication about urgent matters, access to the boys and business matters, but daily or hourly updates is not appropriate any more and is not helping me deal with the separation. I need you to back off and give me space to deal with this and begin the healing process.

You have made your choice, you have what you wanted. You have made it clear you don’t want anything else. You are giving me the wrong signals by constantly contacting me. You are not acting like a separated man and you are making things really difficult for me right now. I want you to understand what I want.

I hope you can understand and take my feelings into consideration. Please please don’t take this the wrong way and stop contacting me completely, I’m not being nasty or vindictive I’m just trying to survive the best way I can without you.

As you can probably tell from the above, my feelings are unchanged and if you ever need me I am here for you. I don’t want to jeopardize the amicable relationship we have so far. This just needs time.


I'm applying the 24hr rules here. Maybe I should just send it and not think to much. On the other hand I don't want to jeopadise what we have?

X Eve

[Evie]

We had a couple of emails back and fourth today, because H thinks i'm stonewalling him and he doesn't know what he has done to warrent it. I said it wasn't about him, it's a difficult week for me. It ended ok, he said he was sorry that he forgot about the anniversary, he'd had a bad week but that still wasn't an excuse, he said he had bought me flowers and left them at home.

They were beautiful and the best bouquet i have ever had off him. He had bought a card and written in it:

'despite what you think of me i still think you are a wonderful person and without a doubt a brilliant mother.
Our time together has been fab. I have only one regret and this is losing ourselves in the want to do better, work and money etc.
We never made time for ourselves or perhaps we just couldn't with having a full house and finiancial commitments. I have learnt a tremendous amount of values over the last 2 months. My ideals have changed and in time I will be changing the way I live.
I am sorry for the pain and agony I have caused you and the family but we couldn't have gone on the way we were and I can't carry on my current lifestyle. I have a lot to change-in time.
Between us we have achieved alot - four beautiful children with great values.
I have nothing but great and fabulous memories with you and only that one regret.
Please accept flowers - ive bought you them not because i felt i must, i've bought them because I wanted to. x '

any thoughts appreciated.

X Eve

[cat03]

I think your email was very honest, and you got honesty from him right back. Seems like he feels ok contact you, so that's a good thing, at this level, separation, the communication between you guys seems to be heading in the right direction.
Take it at face value, keep moving forward and keeping a PMA, he sees your good qualities, and for now, that is a very good thing.

[Evie]

i haven't sent it yet, sorry if I mislead, I wanted people's advice before I sent it. I didn't want to jeopodise the level of frienship we have atm, but at the same time the amount that h does contact me and teh reason's he does contact me seem unreasonable and it is getting me down, almost to the point that i'm getting angry with h and I find myself ignoring him b/c he's not giving me any space. If the roles were reversed i would be seen as 'needy' and 'clingy'.

thanks for the advice, much needed today.

Off to bed now, it's been a long day.

X Eve

[Evie]

In light of the card that H sent me yesterday, I held off sending the letter to H. I know after the emails yesterday that H won't be contacting me so much and I don't want to push him further away. He knows its a tough week for me. I texted him late last night and thanked him for the flowers. He txted right back saying he hoped I had kept them.

When i received the card from H, my initial reaction to his message was one of hope. I interpreted it to mean that h realised that he had put work before his family and he now realised what his priorities truely were and he was going to change things, but it would take time. I thought with patience, PMA, good memories and good DB that in time his feelings would maybe change towards me as well?.

Righly or wrongly I showed the card to a close colleague this morning and she said H sounds very final, he has made his mind up to move on without me and by implying 3 times that he would be making changes without actually telling me what they were he was been very cruel.

I haven't replied or asked H what he meant in the card and I don't know whether to or not?

I would welcome any feedback - please help me. I feel very low this week, i'm dealing with a lot, i just want the roller coaster to stop for a while and let me get off to rest..

Thank you everyone for your support on this board, i know i would not have got this far without your support.

X Eve

[Evie]

Heartbroken,

Thank you for posting. I read most of your sitch last night (2 hrs)apart from the ow we share a lot of the same feelings. I guess patience and being true to yourself is what i'm learning.

Thankyou for listening.

X EVE