You talk of a vicious cycle so obviously you are aware that your statement of "As a woman, I cannot be happy with or sexually attracted to someone who shows no attraction in return." could be turned around and be an accurate representation of his thoughts as well.
I totally agree. I don't blame him, considering at this point, I don't feel sexual attraction for him. That is why my anger has dissipated. I was angry and hurt before after trying to put in so much effort with little results. Now, I'm just more numb.
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I'm also aware that you are not looking for a pep talk but you described yourself as "cute, in shape, intelligent, nice, and a good catch".
A positive thing that came out of my separation was being able to accept and embrace the fact that I feel pretty good about myself as a person. My self-esteem is intact. No matter what happens with my H and I, I will not let it destroy my sense of self-worth. The flip side of course is that I really think I deserve better in the long run. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a man who wants to F*ck me like crazy and ALSO can follow it up with telling me how madly in love he is with me. That guy is out there. I am 98% confident I could find it eventually.
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Back when you were attracted to your H how would you describe him?
I would have described him as a "good guy", treated me well, nice, intelligent, cute, funny, similar to me in interests, great dad, etc
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What (if anything) besides the lack of desire on his part caused him to be unattractive to you?
Great question. I'd say he is very passive-aggressive, doesn't show me his real feelings, a little too stuck in his ways, doesn't stand up to his mother, history of depression, shows no sense of hurt/jealousy/any real emotion over what happened during our separation. I think that's plenty.
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I've thought a lot about cultures that have arranged marriages. Is it that they marry without being in love or is it that the ceremonies and rituals during the brief meeting and courtship stage are conducive with falling in love? We humans have a tremendous capacity to fall in love. At Retrouvaille, my W and I did not go over anything in our R that we had not gone over a hundred times before, but the atmosphere and the intimacy of being in the group caused us to finally hear each other and it really did seem that we fell in love again. It didn't last, but it was real.
Sorry the love didn't last in your own M. And I agree, the environment/culture can have a huge impact on whether you fall in love or not. I was never one to believe in "there is one person, one true love out there for me." I think you can find all sorts of people to be that person depending on the circumstances. Is it just a matter of changing the environment with our own spouses to get that love back? Maybe. But like you said, it can be short lived. I felt like H and I were back on track for a while after our reconcilation but it wasn't a long-term solution.
