We have already spoken and TM'ed a couple times today. A little alone time and reflection goes a long way. Funny, I fretted about it all night, do I really want to go through with this, it will be an uphill battle. I couldn't understand why I was asking myself these question, because I had already answered them. What I was bothered by didn't hit until this morning.
What I'm bothered by is having W in the house, coming and going, as she pleases, to party all night while I take care of our S. So I don't sound controlling and people get my perspective. W is turning to her friends a lot lately and getting really smashed, coming drunk or showing up hungover, our S's schedule is totally out the window and I pretty much watch him full time. Matter of fact, her mother called her today and asked if she could spend some time with him this coming weekend since it has been so long. So I'm feeling like a doormat.
However, it hit me on the way to work. I want my R with my W. But she is going to have to get help herself first, so I'm going to let her stay, come and go, sleep wherever you want, and I'll just keep a smile. Either way I will end up great. I will either win my W back completely, or she will continue in her self quest of discovery leaving behind the one thing I find the most precious, S.
So feeling a lot better today, just going to let it all roll off my back and just be thankful that I have some of them.
Last night W showed. At first she said she was just picking up S and going to leave. Then he asked her to stay. W wanted to finish that movie, which we did, I was pretty nerveous and she turned to me at one point and did her therapy thing, "Quit personalizing it, it's not us."
Spent the whole night "as if." I made her a bed up on the couch, she wanted to stay on the floor in front of the fire. Left her there and went to bed. By morning she was on the couch.
Only thing that bothered me is she said that she feels numb towards me, and is worried if she says that she just wants me as a friend that I won't keep being nice. My response was we have to coparents don't we. I left it at that. Why would she be at my house on the nights she could be out, if she was numb? I guess keep doing what I'm doing cause something is working, she is there, at least in physical presence.
Can anyone give me a good book recommendation on how WAW can deal with getting over her A?
I'm not giving her this, but I'm planning on reading and then leaving out in the open. W is so distraught over what she has done, she seems to not be functioning very well at all. Doesn't help either that her Father had an A on her Mother, and for that she wrote him out of her life for 15 years, now she says she has become what she so hated. Any book suggestions or constructive advice would be greatly appreciated.
There is a section on it in DR that would probably help (you could photocopy that section if you don't want to give her the whole book). Also, if you just go to the Self-Improvement and Relationships section of a Barnes & Noble bookstore, you'll find several books on rebuilding R's after affairs.
There is a good chapter in The Walk-Out Woman that pertains to affairs. The rest of the book is pretty good also if your W might have a chance to read it.
I wish I could remember what it was, but I recently saw another post where a guy mentioned that his wife was coming around after reading a particular book about A's that she saw mentioned on Oprah.
PMA is sort of shot right now. After reviewing the George Mitchell steriod report, Benito Santiago's name showed up. He was a pretty big childhood hero. For the most part the list seems pretty pathetic, either guys you knew were using, but no real greats were named except Roger Clemens. But I'm sure there will be more fall out.
On a more serious note, my life that is, well W is toying with the idea of coming over tonight. Just got a call from her and she isn't feeling well, said it help to cheer her up to see S. So she told me to call when I got off work and maybe we could watch some TV together tonight, also she brought up our little Saturday movie night date again. Seem like positive steps.
W said in the call that she was heading home. Then I didn't hear from her when she asked me to call. Of course the A thought hit, is she with OM??? Luckily I have learned to deal with that and not do a B behavior and reap the C conclusion. Just left it at that. Sent her a text after I got S down, saying "We missed you tonight, hope your feeling better."
Well W called a few minutes ago, right after the normal time of work. Told me how she couldn't leave because she is helping a women get support from her kids school district. My W has always been a counseler, and I feel in love with her because she went the extra mile to help people. I loved watching it. She taught me about volunteering and servie. I'm a full blown Ann Rand Capitalist with a republican base. W is pretty strong Liberal with feelings of helping everyone. But the balance has always been well between us. Hasn't been a sticker in the side, but I think something we helped balance each other out with. So I thought it pretty cool, that she is helping this totally disabled women try and get her kids picked up by the bus, even though they are within the 2 mile walking distance to the school, and just barely within the 2 mile boundary.
She said she had talked to her Mom about us and her work. Didn't say why or what, but if she is mentioning it, must be good. She said she wanted to come over but she had to head home now.
Her comes the killer. She has been PMS'ing pretty hard over the last week. Kept saying she hoped her period would start so the hormones would stop. Well tonight she mentions that she started and feels so much better. But it has been brought up so much, I'm wondering if she was worried about being pregnant with OM child. Not going to let it effect me, but too many phrases by her to ignore it. On another note, I have left her in the mornings in the house, when she slept on the couch. A few t-shirts and boxers are missing. Nothing else taken, so I think that is a good sign.
She is still making fun of OM, and calling him names and such. Says the grass isn't greener. But no move towards me. She did bring up Saturday night again about watching movies together. So she is excited about it. Good.
So MIL is asking to see S, since I pretty much have him all the time lately with W's depression. Even though it is my weekend, I agreed to let MIL take him on Saturday while W works. I'm thinking of keeping him Friday night and then taking him to MIL for Saturday. I haven't seen MIL in 4 months. That would give me a chance to talk with her a little. Good idea? Not sure, but MIL was cheated on and left behind, I don't want to "tattle" but I don't think MIL knows the whole story and I think if she knew she would work to save this M, like she was before. MIL is a huge matriarch in the family and the rock, if she knew the whole issue she would take action. Not sure what to do.
I am thinking of pushig away from the D finalizing, and then trying to work on the marriage, but rather sign some sort of pre-nup although already married. Just stating that if we go back south this is how the split will happen. W keeps mentioning that she wants none of this, and wants to just dismiss the D, but makes no move to MC or IC, just talk. But if I had a contract behind me I could relax a little.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm begining to get attached again, and I need to guard my heart, but I do know what I want. Back to basics! She is everything to me, and this whole process just kills. I can't just be her friend, it would kill me. But I guess that is better then nothing.
I read something today on the net about fighting and loving. But the worse case is just numb apathy, because there is no emotion. That hit home hard. There seems to be just nothing, no feeling, no emotion from W. Nothing. For a romantic at heart that just kills.
She is still making fun of OM, and calling him names and such. Says the grass isn't greener. But no move towards me.
Quote:
I am thinking of pushig away from the D finalizing, and then trying to work on the marriage, but rather sign some sort of pre-nup although already married. Just stating that if we go back south this is how the split will happen. W keeps mentioning that she wants none of this, and wants to just dismiss the D, but makes no move to MC or IC, just talk.
I know things seems good, and that you want this to work so bad, but due to the info you posted above regarding her making no move toward you, MC, or IC, I would still be extremely cautious. I hate to play devil's advocate, but she could be manipulating you to dismiss the D or give her some sort of better deal so she isn't screwed when things are all said and done. Just my opinion, but I would still go through with the D and continue to explain to her that you feel in your heart that this is the best thing to do to protect you, and that if she is truly committed to working things out with you then the D shouldn't matter.
