The house has fallen. Once again.

[RedHeadWife]

I feel that I am a failure for snooping, for wanting to leave... for so many things...

Please, please don't think this. And, I have to also 2nd, 3rd, 4th, whatever number I am in line say that you are a very strong woman. You're not just burying your head in the sand and allowing him to do this to you anymore.

You are in NO WAY a failure for snooping. What your H is doing is hurtful to you, to him and to your M. There is no way that your M can be an open, honest and a truly recovered M until he quits doing these things BEHIND YOUR BACK.

As for leaving, if that is what happens, you can know that you did all you could to help your H and to try to restore your M. If he is not willing to help himself, this does not make you a failure.

As for him writing the poetry and saying that you two are perfect for each other, etc., just make sure you stick to your guns on this one. You have established your boundaries in this area and what is acceptable and what is not. If he is just going to try to act like nothing is still happening, continue to look at the porn, but want you to just sweep this under the rug, I don't think you CAN. I think in your heart, you will always feel uncomfortable in your M and wonder what he's doing behind your back.

He needs to understand once & for all that he cannot continue to do what he's doing b/c it's deceitful to you and your M. If he really wants you two to stay together and work on your M, I would say that you probably should INSIST on couples counseling and if he's won't do that, tell him that is a major deal breaker.