Just need some support.

[MaxP]

No, make that angry, hurt, crushed, confused, tearful, afraid and betrayed.

The most troubling word above is afraid. All of the other words are OK. What I mean by that is that you need to move to a place where you no longer fear life without your wife around. You know, it is not only possible, it is likely that you will find absolute happiness in a life without your wife in it.

It is important that you stop believing that your happiness is dependent on the love and acceptance of your wife. It is not.

This is something I have been thinking about for quite a while. Accepting that my happiness has nothing to do with my W and everything to do with me. I am an independent being, was before, am now (and always have been).

On a related note, you realise how it is easy to let other relationships fall away when you spend time as a couple, some loss is only natural, but too much is a mistake and harms your R. That is something I allowed to happen and makes the sitch I am in more raw and lonely than it should be, especially when you lose friends going through this process.

One thing I have become aware of is how much we often get our model of what is a good relationship from our parents. My parents had a very happy R and spent most of it doing things together. Spending time with my W made (makes) me very happy, but I think that it does not match my W's view of a happy R. I recognise we both lost our independence and part of our identity because of this and this is very important. I also recognise that the two big issues for me are being able to argue and stand up for my viewpoint (i.e. assertive but fair) and being able to understand my needs and make requests of others. These are two things that are just as important inside and outside a healthy R and represent areas for growth.

1 - Stop pursuing. Do not contact her, and if you speak to her (in person or on the telephone), make sure that you end the conversation. The idea is to leave her wanting more.

I think I've been quite good at this already. Since she left I have not really chased her. Communication has been 50:50 in terms of initiation. However, I admit I wanted to meet up with her more than she did after she left. Right now I am torn between wanting to vent at her and not wanting to communicate in any form, but there are practicalities involved. What do most people do about them?

2 - Do not tell her you are "divorce busting." Don't tell her about this website, don't give her books - in fact, don't talk about your relationship (past or present).{/quote]

One of her problems since the bomb is that she hates me trying to fix things - i.e. us. She was aware that I was reading a lot when we were still together, but mostly tried to ignore it. R talk was an issue for me until the separation but since she left we've only really talked about the R when she has brought it up. I never do any more.

The thing that used to prompt my need for R talk is/was the need to understand why this has happened and why she has refused to work on our R since the bomb. She has only ever said that "it no longer feels right" and ILYBANILWY which I found totally insufficient. Discussions with Dom in another section of the forum have made me search my own recollections for answers. I can now identify several warning points in our R over the past 18 months, many of which I ignored or am responsible for. I feel I now partly understand the why. Yesterday's revelations regarding her new R has filled in even more of the gaps.

[quote=Ohio_Mark]
3 - Buy Divorce Remedy and read it. Start with page 124 (Last Resort Technique). Read this section, then flip to page 1 and read the book cover-to-cover.

I have it and have started reading it again. I was reading about the LRT earlier in the week - I guess now is the time.

4 - Post here often. Read what others have to say. Ask for help. Get help. Give help. Most of us here have been where you are, bro.

I have been active in we're separating, what now for a while, but this is a new place for me. At least things now make a bit more sense, even if I'm still unsure as to what's happened when.

OK, that's enough homework for now. You have work to do. It will not be easy. But ask questions and seek advice. We are all on the same island here.

It's good to have people to talk to, to bounce ideas off and who know what you're going through. I feel there are only a couple of people I know outside of this forum who have any idea or experience regarding what I am going through and that makes it very lonely. I am also very poor at making requests of others and tend to try to deal with everything myself. That is why this place is so important to me. It is an exception to my usual behaviour.

I am trying to detach and have been doing ok, but yesterday was still a shock. Balancing love and hope and reality and what is fair is not easy on the rollercoaster but I am trying. I still love her though, but I guess that's ok as long as I don't need hher.