Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[phbear316]

Ok why are things so difficult for me to do.
My boss whom i gave the tickets to for the play sat, says are you free thurs evening? i would like you to meet Leslie and take you to see her stuff at her gallery. (artist) I say that would be nice then he says maybe we could go out to dinner. Oh god i don't want to be a third wheel. How do i get out of the dinner part. Darn it I am so mad at myself! WHY do i feel guilty about doing this. I should be able to come and go as i please just like him, I think its a respect thing. Thats it I respect him and would not do anything with out him knowing. Not that he would say i could not go. It was just me doing the right thing, letting him know i was going out. But he does not respect me, so why do i still respect him....Gosh why do i have such a thick head, and why is this so difficult for me to do. Why can't i be cold and uncaring like him, give him a bitter spoonful of medicine like he does to me. Sorry guys just need to vent.

H believe it or not has called me twice today. Second call h says oh i forgot i have a meeting tonight, so eat what you want. I said i have therapy tonight, so i would be late anyway. Then h's call waiting kicks in and he says i have to talk to this person, i will call you back, that was two hrs ago. Trust me i did not expect him to call.

Saddness and confusion today, maybe i will be thinking clearer after therapy.

SG, I know i am in for quite a suprise, I know.
bear

[sgctxok]

when you get a chance check in on jeanette on MLC.

I hope counseling goes well.

[lizzy]

Jenny

How do you do it, find that super strength. I so wish I had a little of your strengh. Maybe that is a fault of mine, I am looking for hope, and i have tostop looking for it. Just put it away in my heart.

The distance thing is getting me, h is in and out, you know this from my stitch. Finding it hard to focus on me, I am doing some things, but they don't feel right. I too want my h back with all my heart, and i want a second chance. My h says he gave me a second change 15 months ago when we first went for therapy, but i did not know that was my only chance. H was not communicating with me so i did not know there was still problems that were eating at him. I want the slate clear and i want another chance. I know i have changed, and i want to show h all my changes. I am willing to do anything also to save my marriage as well, but some days it feel bleek

Jenny how do you do it, but what ever you are doing you go girl!!
LOL !!
bear

Bear,
I haven't read all of your thread, but this post in Jenny's sounded like a post out of my life. My H too has said he wanted to work on the R in the past. He doesn't want to now and sees no hope. I didn't realize in the past he wanted to work, and we never had any couples therapy. I too have changed and I want my H to give me the chance to show that. I can't change him though so for now I am trying to be patient. Anyone who has read my thread knows that somedays that is very hard for me. As Kayne West sings "that don't kill me, can only make me stronger." I did buy myself a necklace after our bomb. It has a pendant that says "faith." It reminds me of my faith in myself, my H, our love and God. Maybe you might want to get yourself something as a sign of strength.

[phbear316]

SG

I posted on Jeanette on MLC. I will keep her in my prayers, she is a very special person, and i hope i did not drain her.

Therapy was draining, I have a headache since i left. I'm beginning to question therapy too now. I question where it is getting me. just lots of tears about my past and i don't know makes me feel like my whole life has been a failure. Maybe this is part of healing stripping down to nothing cleaning your own slate to start a new one. Just makes me feel more guilt right how about H. Like why didn't i say something earlier, why didn't i push the child issue, why this , why that.

Sorry just going on and venting. just feeling confused tired drained and alone.

Anyway with a deep sigh, i today is almost over, tomorrow will begin soon enough.

bear

[phbear316]

Izzy

That might not be a bad idea, I will have to think about the buying myself something. I don't know what right now. After H dropped the bomb on me I started wearing my St. Anthony Metal. (kinda ironic, patron saint of lost souls) Going to be hard not to wear it. Find myself holding it a lot during the day, and rubbing the back of it an thinking about my h finding his soul, and inner peace. and some sense.

Its odd also, I found my wedding ring that is just a gold band with his name and out marriage date inscribed on it. I thought it was in the lock box downstairs, but I don't know where the key is. I found it in h's jewerly box with was moved the other day. It was sitting right there on top next to his good diamond wedding band. and the others that he took of in June. I have been wearing the gold one since friday. Just feels better than looking at my diamond wedding set. and please don;t ask why i have no idea.

anyway thanks for suggestion
phbear

[Jeanette1120]

Silly!



Your not draining me! What on earth gave you that idea?? The way I have been living is draining me. I know it's draining Rich too. Guess someone needs to put on the big girl panties (no sg, not granny panties ) and help us both out!

I just hope it didn't scare you or give you any doubts with your situation.

You are wearing the plain wedding band because it takes you back to the beginning of your marriage when all was good.

GO TO THE ART SHOW AND DINNER!!! OMG! You'll have a blast. And third wheels....are so last year!! Have fun, stop with the guilt! I am just a few years older than you bear..but I was your ageish when I began this journey. The things I did not do out of guilt or hope that he would recognize...I wish I had did them now! No no no...not because my journey is almost over, because it would have SHOWED HIM that I do have a life, that I am a desirable person to others, that I can survive without him! You are afraid to make these moves as he will think your ok. But thats not what he will think. DO IT! Do the unexpected!

Never stop being the caring person you are. As if you could Don't let him take that from you. Again, I will say to you. You have a wonderful chance. You have grown so much bear..I know it's hard for you to see, but not for others.

Whew..thanks sg. I wanted to tell her to look at the accounts but not for snooping purposes bear, when you are ready, take a look. Like I said, you have to protect yourself, this will also be protecting him.

Hey! If you come thisa way in January....you'll get that hug

Thanks for dropping by my world...LOL Ugh! Were a tough lot over there.

HUGS

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Jeanette

I felt i was draining you mentally with alll my burdens. I know that alone can be draining, then compound what you have been going thru i felt i had a hand in it.

Thursday will now depend on two things, how i feel for #1, i cannot believe how this cold is kicking my butt! OMG i woke up this am feeling like could someone please get the tractor trailor off my chest. I'm also very tired, i did not get much sleep last night due to coughing, and h did now get his butt home till almost 2am. So me like a jerk, let him talk to me when he wanted to tell me about the mgt. I did try to go to sleep earlier, but could not. Also even if i went to sleep garage door would wake me up, bedroom right over garage. The second thing is the weather, they say we are supposed to get a storm tomorrow with about gosh is don't want to say it about 3-6 inches of ACK ***SNOW*** UGH. It is supposed to start in the am tomorrow and snow and sleet all day into friday. Then again more snow on sunday.

Anyway, it was my pleasure to drop into you world over there, tough is good. I'm trying not to let him take away my caring and kindness. I wish i could see what you see that we have a chance as you say. I will when i am ready look into the accounts.

Ah, the january thing, still have not convinced myself to go. Why, i have this feeling that he is going to do something like move me out while i am gone. Move my stuff to the basement, etc. Why do i think this, my name is on the mortgage just like his, but its fear, pure fear. Why my mind is doing this I wish i knew.

Did i tell you i sent bil & sil and mil gifts for xmas. They are still my family, why should they suffer his ill will. I cannot believe that he is going to go shopping for them when he gets to fla. He never knows what to buy its always me getting gifts. Have to get niece and nephew gift cards and get them in the mail on friday.

Still have to shop for parents, no clue what so ever to buy them. have like one gift each so far. UGH!

HUGS
bear

[phbear316]

Jeanette

I meant to say to you before that me silly old bear.

ANyway h called a little while ago to see how i was feeling, says you were really miserable this am, just wanted to see how you were feeling sweetheart. Sweetheart? HUH, must have thought he was talking to ow. Told me to go home if i did not feel any better. I said i would see, need to get work done.

oh bother. as pooh would say, what is going on with this man? If this is his guilt week so be it.

bear

[Jeanette1120]

Once again bear....i cannot stress to you enough how you should stop "THINKING". We tend to make things up in our minds as we don't really know whats going on so we make up the most horrible of things.... Yup...GUILTY But shoot. If they tell us [censored] we make up [censored]. So [censored]!

I met with Rich. He is the most saddest looking man I have saw in a long long time. I caught several inuendos that he does live alone. By this time I have nothing left but to speak the truth, and I expect the truth back. I said to him, honey, your supposed to be happy now, yet your so sad.....then I asked him if he and Fabiola were doing ok. He asked me why. I told the truth. Just because you stopped loving me, did not mean I stopped loving you. Just because we are divorced does not mean I do not care. He had mentioned something about his house being a mess. I said....I have to ask, if your living with Fabiola why is the house a mess?? He said "I THINK TOO MUCH". "I ASSUME TOO MUCH". I had to tell him that the only reason I do this is because YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME! he said what do you want me to tell you? That I'm finanically broke? Don't have 20.00 to put gas in my truck? (He makes ALOT of money) I said yes, tht is exactly what I want to hear, as your friend, maybe we can come up with something to take away some of your hardships.

He SEE'S the change in me!! But of course, he had to make a little quip about it. Something like, wow, I see you have changed alot and are so thoughtful about things. I said I had, I no longer think the same way, but don't get me wrong, I still have a bit of a shallow side Then he had to go mention a voicemail I left him 3 months ago. I was PISSED! So he was like, yes, I see these changes, but how long do they last, as I see it as your UNSTABLE Grrrrrrr.

To make this long story short. My xhusband who makes well over 6 digits a year IS BROKE! Yes, WE BOTH want to sell this house. Too many bad memories here. The funny thing is, he mentioned buying a condo or even renting as his philosphy now is to take that extra money and do things WE enjoy. Yes, I heard the WE word a few times. I agreed. My son is grown, he has no children.

He is working 10 hour days 6 days a week. The man is EXHAUSTED. He has not been out to dinner out to a movie or out to play pool in forever....I said I would love to take him out next week. He said we will see. I said no, we will not see. I need an honest answer NOW! No more back burners......he said he would check his schedule for the upcoming week, then he said if I want I can call him at work... I said ARE YOU SURE? as it takes me hours to get up the nerve to call you, because I am tired of hearing resentment and rejection in your voice. He said yes...call him tomorrow.

HELLOOOOOOOOO LIMBO LAND! Goodbye caring, cuz either way it goes. I am going to be JUST FINE! And I told him JUST THAT!

So the moral of my story is......bear, hang in there! It ain't over till you say it's over! Once you find your freedom and let go of those emotions that keep you stuck, you never know.

Now, I am not saying that this is what I want. I am just saying that this man, whom I loved so dearly for so long, might be worth saving.

We talked more about how our marriage failed than ever. This time it wasn't the blame game. I took first responsibility. I said when we both saw us crashing one of us should have stepped up, but when two people are hurting, it is hard to do. Now that the initial hurt is over, the healing can begin. For both of us.

We shall see. I may not want this. I enjoy being single and free to come and go as I please. But I love him. I told him that too. Hell, I am already divorced so what does it matter now??

OK, off to bed as my head is spinning away again!

OH....wait, he made a funny tonight. We went to Chili's right....so they have happy hour, buy one wine get the second free....so I ordered ONE and she brought TWO...I said OOOPSIES, I forgot I get two fer one....he laughed and said No she didnt I playfully smacked his hand and said yes I did.

thats it. thats as far as I want to take my thoughts.....or whats left of them.

Be well bear.....you'll be better than fine soon enough.

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Jeanette

I'm glad you got to have your meeting with Rich, You know, i just realized that my H's first name begins with and R also, it Ronn. How our paths are so alike.

I feel the relationship and marriage that h and i have right now needs a hero. And i want to get the strength to be that hero. FInd the good in this, for i know there is. I would love to say that line to ronn about us crashing, and one of us should have stepped up. It is very true, I totally admit it. I should have stepped up, I should have been the hero in this relationship, but i am not, not right now. Need to find my super girl strength.

I need to get out of this funk of sadness, and despire. Again another night has gone by and h still has not said one word about leaving on tues. Will he tell me he is gone when he calls me from florida. Maybe new game plan for him. You know i honestly want him to tell me and get it over with. Right now I don't know weather i don't care at this point, i am in shock he is doing this, or i don't want him to be here with me on christmas. Because he is not here anymore, does that make sense? I know my emotions will spin when he does tell me. But how do i say I am at peace he is not going to be with me dragging me down. I would rather be alone that be with someone who does not want to be with me. Be with me if you want to not because you have to. Big difference. I would rather him be in fla away from ow than be here and with her when h should be with me. So i guess I am willing to let him go to fla to keep him and her apart. dont know

I don't now know about tomorrow and the gallery opening, the weather is supposed to be yucky, I spoke to my friend and he agrees if its too crazy we will reschedule. So i am not feeling so anxious about not going. Almost told h tonight that i was going to a gallery opening but no, stopped myself.

See, I need to teach you something, you should have ordered two wines, then you would have gotten four. Silly girl. Go easy on the house cleaning LOL

I myself am going to take a double, maybe a triple shot of nyquil, for this cold is killing me.

Thinking is what silly old bears do best jeanette, i am always thinking and re thinking and re thinking everything. that is a big fault of mine. Always with the what if and such.

Thank you for believing in me, thank you. I'm glad things went ok with Rich. I'm glad your happy.

Bear